October 7 2019
Hello and welcome to the Smile Syndicate Music Hour, your source for Funtime music and comedy. Buckle up, because after today’s show, you won’t believe a single one of your senses!
Let’s go, Jason!
You’re our lighthouse. We’re grizzled sailors who have been at sea too long. We’ve forgotten what solid ground feels like. But there you are, on the shore, eyes cupped behind your ears, ready to receive the Funtime Music and Entertainment.
First time – you’re our new best friend. We think you’ll want to stick with us. No one treats first time listeners better than use. The hazing you’ll receive may seem extreme, but trust me, it’s done with love.
Long time – bring it on in. Let’s now clasp hands and do the secret Smile Syndicate handshake. We have been bonded for sometime now – we solemnly promise to keep delivering the Funtime goods, and you promise to keep listening, keep enjoying and keep spreading the word.
It’s time to turn our attention to the most hyperviolent, hyperactive, hypercompetitive music chart in the business – the Smile Syndicate Music Chart. These songs compete in this no-holds-barred slug fest, any thought of the humanity of their fellow songs completely banished from their minds. Their only mission: to destroy their competition, to render their opponents unable to compete, and to move that one spot up the charts.
We in the audience, with our mouths full of pasta and popcorn, eat it up. Maybe one day we’ll look in the mirror and feel the first stirrings of shame. Did those songs have to destroy each other – just to prove their worth to us?
Well if you have a better method, friend, shout it out, ’cause I sure don’t. I don’t have time for ethical quandries or reflective introspections now, I gotta turn my attention to the blood-stained combatatorium and see which competitor is gonna eat it and which one is gonna beat it.
I see the two competitors – heavily armoured both.
(They start spinning – like they can’t see each other. They’re getting closer – oh, they both connect. They’re both out cold! Who is the winner this week? Which song should we pick.
Miss E: Can we play “Boogie Got A Groove Loose”? I like that one.
Coming in at number 3 with a bullet, this is The Smile Syndicate with Boogie Got A Groove Loose! Hit it, kids!
THE SMILE SYNDICATE CHART – Boogie Got A Groove Loose
Promote Hallofun Halloween Party
Smileton News, Jukebox, Marquee
Call back to Jorg – he’s getting a little comfortable crashing this show and causing trouble. Watch your back.
I hear music.
We are being summoned to peer into a swirling vortex. A vortex of light and sound and smells of sweet known as my Inner Mind. Let its gentle waves and eddies and flows guide your choices this month. This is the most scientifically accurate, reproducible in a laboratory horoscope. It’s all from that most scientific thing in the world, the human mind. Let us peer into the foggy depths and from this obscurity we will emerge with clarity, definition and purpose.
This is the October edition of the Accuscope Horoscope.
LIBRA (September 23 to October 22) – Do something about that chest cold. People think it’s a death rattle and it’s why they’ve been keeping their distance lately. That, plus your insufferable personality. Have a good month, Libra!
SCORPIO (October 23 to November 21) – Yeah, that was your lawnmower in that viral video of mechanics setting one on fire and dancing around it while yelling “how d’ya like your lawnmower now, jackass?” Next time, don’t tell people how to do their jobs.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 to December 21) – This strategy of communicating more effectively by gazing deeply into everybody’s eyes and softly mouthing our words back to us as you hear them is creeping us out. Just stop it. Why you can’t be normal for once, Sagittarius?
CAPRICORN (December 22 to January 19) – It’s definitely scurvy. This lime-free diet you’ve been bragging about has blown up in your face, big-time. Oh, how I wish
AQUARIUS (January 20 to February 18) – The stars have definitely aligned against you this month. Would NOT want to be in your shoes. What can you do against stars? They’re huge and, like, super-hot. Don’t try to fight stars. Not face to face, anyway. Maybe you can be sneaky and trick them or something. I don’t know. I’m not a scientist.
PISCES (February 19 to March 20) – The sign of the Fishman. There’s being excitable, and then there’s downright reckless. Figure out which one you are, Pisces. In the meantime, you’re still not allowed back in my rec room.
ARIES (March 21-April 19) – Life is funny. What about those times where you actually do need snake oil? How do you find a reputable snake oil peddler? It’s a puzzle, Aries. A puzzle. Now, pass me a lemonade and let us watch this sunset in silence now.
TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) – You know what your problem is, Taurus? You’ve turned your back on the “WOW!” Don’t do that. You used to shock and amaze us all. But what happened. I don’t remember the last time you said or did or wore something that made me take a step back and go “WOW!” You want to be wowing. Get back to wowing. Make this the month to wow.
GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) – You keep mixing up golf and tennis. If you keep betting on Tiger Woods to win a tennis grandslam, you’re gonna lose everything. Bet on sensible stuff like horses and bareknuckle boxing.
CANCER (June 21 to July 22) – Life is about taking the time out to enjoy the small things. Even if you’re a crazed rageaholic. Don’t just rage about the huge injustices in your life, rage about the little things. The trivial things that may just slip right pass you when you’re frothing at the mouth and ranting about something else.
LEO (July 23 to August 22) – Have you ever tried Cheez-Whiz on celery? Oh, Leo, you gotta try it. Amazing. You’ll never picnic the same way if you do.
VIRGO (August 23 to September 22) – That tornado was unfortunate. But the reason no one’s helping you out is that you kept going on about living in a brick house and being like the third pig in the Three Little Pigs. Going “oink! Oink!” all the time. Drove people nuts. Promise you’ll never do it again and maybe people will give you a second chance. I’d normally go to the wall for someone in a situation like this, but you’ve burned me before, Virgo. Karma’s a b-word.
HORPTO (leap years) – Rough month last month, eh, Horpto. Did NOT see the piano accident coming. Like, at all. I can appreciate you’re angry, but no horoscope is 100% accurate. And maybe take some of the blame yourself? You saw they were moving that grand piano down the stairs. You probably didn’t need to try to sneak past it. Ah, anyway. I’ll visit you in the hospital, probably later this week. My schedule this month has been a real bear.
THE ROUND WHEEL OF MYSTERY
Druids make hand gestures at me, threatening me. If they’ve hexed me, I don’t know it. They’ve stopped falling for my tricks, so they’ve done nothing yardwork-related this week at all. I think it might be time to call my buddy Angel up and see if the yoga dogs want to come over to have a little romp with the druids.
JUKEBOX – I Won’t Waffle
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The local news in Smileton is a joke. These pathetic amateurs are bringing shame on their profession and disgrace upon themselves. They can’t tell fact from opinion, the important from the trivial, up from down, even. The good people of Smileton deserve better and we’re here to give it to you good and hard.
It’s six o’clock and time for
The Smileton News……….. with Miss Elizabeth
THE SMILETON NEWS
Good evening, Smileton. Let’s talk about some news.
They don’t call Smileton the Town of Festivals for nothing. No less than 23 different fall festivals are going to be kicking off over the next month: Autumn Leaves Days, Harvest Days, Fall Into Fall Day, Stay Away From Me, Old Man Winter Days – this town has an infinite appetite for festivals and celebrations. And another one will be joining the roster this year: Funny Pants Fall Down days. I hope you’re ready for clowning and pranking because the town of Smileton will be greating fall with funny pants on! This new festival is sure to brighten the hearts of all Smileton residents. Festival organizer Corky Shaffley told this reporter: “I hope the good people of our fine town take this festival to heart, as I already have. If we work together, we can make it the most fun festival of them all!”
Smileton town council this week approved plans for the Big Sky Bridge. This 1.8 KM bridge will be built over a canola field west of town. Mayor Patty Pepper was pleased with council’s vote. She had this to say after this week’s council meeting: “Today is a great day for Smileton. All good towns have a mighty bridge at their heart. I do not stand with those who say Smileton is a bad town – I believe this town to be good, and fully deserving of their own bridge. Naysayers may point out that there is no natural or mand-made barrier to be crossed – no river, gorge or train tracks. But these people deny the biggest barrier there is – the one in their hearts. This bridge may lead nowhere. But I wouldn’t exactly call the future “nowhere” – would you?” Construction is set to start this spring. Pepper Construction Co. has been awarded the contract.
Jason: why don’t they build a bridge over the tarpits? People keep losing their cars in there, and the rope bridge you have to use to get across is really dangerous.
BIRD’S TRAFFIC REPORT 1
Let’s turn now to the traffic report. Let’s go live to the Smileton One Traffic Copter. Our regular reporter Scott Skyman is still at home recuperating. Get well soon, Scott. But don’t worry – we’ve got an able substitute for you. Up high in the sky, bringing you the latest traffic updates is Bird! How’s it going, up there? Who’s a good birdie?
Jason asking questions: (Bird has been dispensing vigilante justice)
How’s the traffic looking on Angus Pepper Memorial Drive?
Lotta leaves blowing around – do you have any traffic safety tips to keep Smileton’s drivers safe and sound during this brief transition to winter?
Miss E: he’s probably not answering because he knows you’re here
A zamboni at the Smileton Ice Arena is looking for a new name after the results of an online contest to name the recently-purchased zamboni were tabulated. First place in the contest went to “Mr. Emerson Farts A Lot”. Flummoxed arena officials demanded that computer logs be examined to explain this unexpected result. This analysis determined that hundreds of thousands of votes came from computers located in the Smileton Community School’s computer lab. Mr. Gene Emerson is the computer and phys ed teacher at the school. He had no comment for this story. The results of the contest were overturned due to the likely voter fraud and a new contest has been announced. According to arena manager Cal Kreef, “we’ll be opening the website for voting in a few weeks. Rest assured the word “fart” will be automatically removed from any entries.” Here’s hoping the zamboni has a name in time for the Smileton Rockets’ first game, later this month.
A new fast food restaurant has Smileton residents in a frenzy. FuddleGop, the top fast food chain from the Philippines, opened its first North American location here in town this past weekend. Enthusiastic townspeople lined up for days, eager to try the hamburgers, spaghetti and haggis. Unfortunately, the scene was marred by multiple brawls erupting in the line. Fifty-seven people were hospitalized for fast-food fighting-related injuries. But the ones lucky enough to weather the storm were rewarded by delicious fast food, fair prices, and prompt service. Many people were subsequently hospitalized for food poisoning. A subsequent investigation revealed the culprit was not FuddleGop, but a basket of contaminated egg salad sandwiches that had been passed up and down the line during the days leading up to the opening.
Jason: this town is its own public health menace.
It’s time to check in with our traffic reporter Bird, high above Smileton in the Smileton One Traffic Copter. How’s it going up there, my fine, feathered friend?
Jason: he seems talkative. Jason keeps getting cut off.
So, Mr. Traffic Reporter, how’s the traffic on the northside loo-
How’s the traffic looking on the –
How’s the –
He’s not letting me talk.
Miss E: He doesn’t like your tone.
Are there any trouble spots our listeners should b-
How’s the downtown core look-
Are you gonna let me –
I can’t work with him. If we have to have an animal up there, let’s get a cat or a badger or something.
Thanks for the update, Bird. We’ll check in on you just after the top of the hour.
Police have warned residents to be on the lookout for so-called white-hat thieves. This sophisticated scam hit Smileton late last month and police say that dozens of people have fallen victim to these clever criminals. The ruse works like this: the criminals get invited in. They offer to show you how they steal your stuff. How they pick which stuff to take, how they load their truck up. Victims learn that jewelry, cash and computers are move valuable than tupperware, frying pans and rubber boots. Then they offer to fence your stuff (I.e. conduct a subsequent profitable transaction using your stolen stuff) to show how it’s done. The victims help the thieves load their stuff on the truck and away they go, promising to show them at a later date how fencing works. Police are helpless as victims have consented to every step. So keep your eyes peeled, Smileton.
Turning now to sports:
The Winter Blues Dance Marathon 2018 is finally over. After 10 months of increasingly lethargic swaying, we have crowned our champions. Congratulations to Wyatt Pepper and his partner, the lovely Cherise. The couple outlasted all the competition and happily claimed their $300 prize at a ceremony held right on the dance floor. Wyatt Pepper delighted the crowd by dancing the robot and showing his breakdancing chops by spinning on his head while thanking everyone who watched the contest. Wyatt charmingly quipped that he was ready to start the next Winter Blues Dance Marathon right then and there!
Let’s run down the scores for the Smileton Northside Community Street Hockey League:
The T2’s defeated The Chocolate Popcorns 7-4
The That’s What She Saids fought valiantly against the Halfmoon Party Boys, but were defeated 12-0
The Golden Gates Bible College crushed the Don’t Taze Me, Bros 9-1
Hello, Bird. How’s the traffic flowing these days.
Are there two birds in there?
I think he brought his girlfriend him.
Jason: “Impress her on your own time!”
And finally… Smileton’s Pogosticks Commuter program has some residents hopping mad. Last month, two companies were granted licenses to dispense pogosticks around town. Residents rent a pogostick online, merrily bounce to their desintation, leaving the pogostick to be used by the next customer. In the ensuing weeks, pogosticks have been creating more headaches than they solve. Pedestrians have been tripping and falling on discarded pogosticks, with scores of residents requiring emergency room visits. That’s not to say of the hundreds of injuries dealt to the pogo stick users themselves. Town manager Hank Barlow had this to say: “These pogosticks were a damn fool idea. Either walk or drive a car. It ain’t rocket science. We’ll be giving out hoola hoops next.” This reporter hears what Mr Barlow is saying, but isn’t quite ready to turn her back on alternative methods of commuting just yet.
That’s it for this edition of the Smileton news. I’m Miss Elizabeth. Good night, outta sight.
Twitter, Facebook, Crinkley – It was so complicated – swipe left swipe up, double-blink to move back, triple bunt to move forward. It made no sense to me. The tutorial made me angry and upset so I bailed. It might be great, but the barrier to entry is really high.
Digital streaming services.
MARQUEE SONG SLOT – I’m Going Back To High School
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So it’s bye bye from Jason.
And bye bye from me. See you next week.
And as always, remember friend, the sun is a jukebox.