Hello and welcome to the Smile Syndicate Music Hour – the home of Funtime music. Check us out on Patreon.com/thesmilesyndicate and join the Smile Squad!
I’m excited to hear today’s songs. Let’s go, Jason!
HELLO
Thanks, Miss Elizabeth. Hello, friend. We’re very glad you’ve chosen to join us today. Thanks very much for downloading this episode and taking a listen. This show is impossible without your participation. Your discerning ear is keeping Miss Elizabeth and I on the right track and we’re going to be making our goal for the next hour to be keeping you entertained, informed and energized with Funtime music and entertainment. Some of your friends might say, “that was a pretty bold move, you know – casting your lot with those Smile Syndicate jokers.” Well, if you don’t mind my saying – you should get better friends. How dare they question your choice of podcasts! Look at their phone – they listen to terrible podcasts! Don’t listen to them. Trust your judgement.
Throughout July, Miss Elizabeth and I have been traveling to the world’s favorite suntime, funtime hotspots. We’ve been to Jamaica, and Hawaii. While we were there, we did the show from the beach. Funtime on the sand, with live music! I grabbed a guitar and bashed my way through some Smile Syndicate classics. It’s been magical. We had dolphins and porpoises listening in, waving their fins at us. We’ve also been on airplanes and we did a couple of shows from 300,000 feet in the air – Miss Elizabeth in first class and me sitting on a crate at the back of a plane.
Today, as you can hear, we’re on the beach once again. Today, we’ll be wrapping up Summer Commotion 2019 at our final stop, sunny Yellowknife, Northwest Territories, way up in Canada’s North. You can’t get much more sunshine than up here at this time of year. We’re on the shores of a mighty lake – hear that pounding surf. And where’s that music coming from? Well, the band that was on the beach when we were on Jamaica is also up here in Yellowknife – total coincidence. We’re happy to have them provide some background music – at least until we turn on the noise canceler, which is now fixed.
I know Miss Elizabeth thought we were going to somewhere else, some tropical island, some sunny beach south of the equator, maybe. But the sponsor of today’s show and I both agreed that some Canadian arctic sun is just what this show needs. It’s going to rejuvenate and resuscitate, so let’s just enjoy.
Summer Commotion has definitely been making an impact. We got some press when we were in Hawaii. The Honolulu Press News Of The Day put us on the front page! The headline said “Pagans Love The Smile Syndicate” which is okay, I guess. Not sure why that was a news story. I hope everybody loves the Smile Syndicate, pagans included. The story itself was weird – very non-committal about us. It was more like, “hey everyone, just so you know, pagans really love the Smile Syndicate. I’m not sayin’ anything, I’m just sayin’.” Any press is good press. And no press is bad press. And bad press is worse press.
We’ll be heading back to Smile Syndicate HQ after today’s show. But that doesn’t mean an end to the summertime fun. We’ll be right there with you throughout August, bringing you brand new episodes.
Let’s kick off the fun right now. Just as in previous Summer Commotion episodes, I’m going to pick up a guitar and try to play some Smile Syndicate songs. And this time, we’ve got a special treat. Today, making its live performance debut, is the full NUDES song cycle. All four songs will be performed live today, on this beach, under that sun, what do you think of that?
Let’s go with the first song in the cycle – Granny’s Gone a-Skinny Dippin’! Hit it, kids!
LIVE – Granny’s Gone A Skinny Dippin’
That was Granny’s Gone A-Skinny Dippin’. That’s the first song in the Nudes song cycle. We’re going to be bringing you lots more music today.4 songs in one show is unheard of. We just heard Granny, and later in the show, we’ll be hearing Magic Mile, The Streakening, and the cosmic grand finale, The Universe Is Nude. Normally, we spin the Round Wheel Of Mystery at some point in the show to see which song we should call up on the Smile Syndicate Jukebox. Usually, that is – this supernatural, hellspawn tool of the Devil sometimes tells us to do something else, usually something baffling or sinister. But not today, Wheel. We’re doing Nudes live – Live Nudes – and I’d like to see you stop us.
But we’re not just doing Funtime music today. We’ve got a lot of dynamite Funtime entertainment for you as well. Later in the show, we’ll be presenting a Death Metal Quiz – Jorg and I will be facing off to determine who the world’s expert in Death Metal really is. Miss Elizabeth will be the quiz master. We’ve spent thousands of dollars on this needlessly complicated buzzer system. It’s gonna be great. We’ve never done a game show. I know the audience is revved up for it. They seem to think we’re doing Let’s Make A Deal or something. Crazy costumes, lots of signs – the beach here looks like a zoo, quite frankly. We love our audience dearly, but they can be quite the menagerie sometimes.
But before we get to that, we’re going to debut something else! As you probably know, The Smile Syndicate is based in the town of Smileton. And time goes on, the town is seeping into the show more and more. Like an mold that’s growing unchecked. So instead of breaking out the cleaning supplies, we’re going to celebrate this and give something back. The town is part of us and we’re part of the town. And the thing about this town is that it is very poorly served by its news broadcasts. Not because of government interference or a sinister conspiracy of shadowy titans of industry. No, the shows just stink. I don’t think they people presenting these programs have ever seen a real news program. It’s hilarious to watch, but if you’re looking for news, you’ll be out of luck. So, we’re stepping up and we are very proud to present…
SMILETON NEWS
JASON: The Smileton News….. with Miss Elizabeth
Good evening, Smileton. Let’s talk about some news.
1
Mayor Patty Pepper held a press conference today to field questions about the recent firing of town manager Horace Dewley. During her opening remarks, a nude and agitated Dewley parachuted on to the scene, sending reporters scrambling. Jumping up and down, Dewley shouted that he was a patsy before being subdued by Smileton police. Dewley had recently been let go from his position due to financial shenanigans and fiscal buffonery. Mayor Pepper later quipped, “I thank Mr. Dewley for ably demonstrating why his parting ways with the town was necessary. I prefer to see my nude men jumping up and down on a stage at one of our town’s many burlesque palaces. I don’t need to see that during a press conference or in a board room during a budget meeting.” This reporter agrees with Mayor Pepper.
2
Traffic was snarled on Pepper Memorial Drive this morning as a truck hauling peanut butter collided with another truck hauling jam coming the other way. That’s right, my friends – the result was PB&J, but in these two drivers’ cases, PB&J means “possibly broken jaws”. Both drivers sustained injuries and were taken to the hospital. Police had to clear curiosity seekers from the scene as many people showed up with bags of bread, hoping to score some free sandwiches. The broken glass everywhere meant that instead of a nice treat, many residents ended up with cut feet. Injuries were treated at the scene.
Speaking of traffic, let’s turn now to something really exciting.
TRAFFIC REPORT 1
For the first time, we are able to bring you an up to the second traffic report, courtesy of our eye in the sky, Scott Skyman in the Smileton One traffic helicopter.
Scott, we’re really excited to have you with us delivering live traffic updates on the podcast. This is going to be great. So how’s that whirlybird treating you so far?
SCOTT (Clip: hope it’s a smooth flight)
We’ve just taken off. Climbing steadily. You should be aware I’m extremely prone to air sickness.
Getting nervous – hope this will be a smooth flight.
Well, that helicopter you’re in is state of the art. My life coach Jerry bought it – he’s not using it now. So relax – you’re totally safe up there. How’s the traffic looking today? Any major problems our listeners should be worried about?
SCOTT (clip: not a good idea)
No. Nope – this was not a good idea. I’m really not feeling well. Jim, fly more smoothly?
Well, I’m sorry to hear that. Do you think you’re gonna be okay? Do you think you can still give us a traffic report today?
SCOTT(clip: get back to me)
Once we level off, I should be okay. Give me a few minutes and I’ll get back to you?
Sure, no problem. Just relax, take a few deep breaths – we’ll get back to you soon.
So that was Scott Skyson, up in the Smileton One traffic helicopter. Having a few troubles.
In other news…
3
Police are warning residents to be on the lookout for a pickpocket. This nimble fingered thief is stealing wallets, billfolds, pocket watches and pocket purses from people across town. There have not been many witnesses as most people don’t know they’ve been vicitimized until well after the crime. A few people have come forward and have provided a description to police. The culprit is apparently one and a half feet tall, has a long tail and is as cute as the dickens. I tell you what, if that little fellow comes near me I’m going to watch my wallet, but I may give him a dried apricot as a treat.
(Jason not happy – people see this on tv and train their monkeys to be thieves. It’s still illegal, folks!)
4
A new business has just started up in Smileton and it hopes that pretty soon, Smileton will be singing a different tune. Rock Stallion Guitars opened its doors yesterday and residents poured in to admire the wide array of guitars for sale and enjoy the free hot dogs and coffee. Owner Mitch Winchell is excited to be joining the Smileton community. “Yeah, I just moved here from Sparrow Creek and found that this town does not have a proper guitar store. I’m really excited to be offering the finest instruments at fair prices in a safe and clean environment. Remember friends, when you hop on the back of a Rock Stallion Guitar, you’d better hold tight!”
Musique by Lance owner Lance took the news of a rival guitar store opening in stride. He told this reporter: “Huh? What? Break it down for me. What are you saying? There’s a new guitar store in town. What the F? We don’t need another F’ing guitar store. I got the loudest guitars in town, the craziest amps. Some wimp things he can move into town and take over the place? F that. And if you’re not going to buy something, get the F out of my store.” This reporter wishes Mitch Winchell all the best and is looking forward to trying out a guitar there soon.
Let’s check in again with our eye in the sky Scott Skyman. How are things going up there, Scott? You feeling any better?
SCOTT (clip: Feeling any better?_
Leveling off has done nothing. I’m just not well. I’m going to be sick. There’s no doubt out it. I’ll gonnna be sick in this helicopter if we don’t land right now.
If you take a few deep breaths, just try to calm down, I think you’ll feel a bit better and you’ll be able to let us know how Smileton traffic is looking right now.
SCOTT: (clips: This isn’t working (I’m gonna do a number) – edit these two together)
Land. Land. I can’t see anything. You don’t understand. I’m gonna be sick.
<I’m gonna do a number on this thing.> Jim, you’re in trouble, man. (EDIT IN DRY HEAVES FROM “use this for heaves”)
Scott, can you give us a hint of how traffic is looking this morning?
SCOTT (clip: land this thing)
Land this thing right now. The time for debate is long past (noises).
Well, okay, we’re gonna give Scott a few minutes to collect himself. Scott, we’ll get back to you.
5
A busy day in sports today:
The Smileton Community Tag Association held its monthly match in Harvester Square yesterday. For the third month in a row, shirts defeated skins, this time with an impressive 11-5 score.
Buffalo Bill Bison held off a late challenge from Griffin Greene to hold on to the Smileton Horse Shoe League championship. Doctors ordered the matched stopped after Bison delivered three unanswered blows straight to the skull of Greene.
JASON: I got way more interested in horse shoes once they started throwing them at each other.
The Winter Blues Dance Marathon 2018 has entered its 6th month and shows no sign of stoppping any time soon. 5 couples remain, all fighting to claim that Winder Blues Dance crown. The 2017 marathon lasted 8 months, so let’s see how this year’s competitors do. I hope they finish up before it’s time to start the 2019 Dance Marathon! Ha ha!
6
Good news for Smileton water drinkers: the town’s water supply has been given the all clear after the contamination issues of recent weeks. As most of us know, some prankster broke into the water reservoir and turned our drinking water into delicious grape Kool-Aid. People were initially happy, but the Kool-Aid complicated the use of water for other activities, such as bathing, brushing teeth and cleaning. In addition, some residents eventually wanted a change of flavor and a fight began over which flavor to try next. Multiple Kool-Aid flavors were added to the reservoir and the result was a messy mixture of flavors that pleased no one. A formal statement from the utility company responsible for treating our water officially requested that Smileton residents should please refrain from contaminating the water supply, even if it’s to pep up the water with a new taste sensation. As of noon today, the taps are running clean once again.
TRAFFIC REPORT 3
Okay, I’m being told that Scott is ready to go. Scott Skyman, our traffic reporter flying high about Smileton in the Smileton One traffic helicopter. How are things looking for the commute this morning, Scott.
MISS ELIZABETH:
I don’t think he’s doing any better.
JASON;
He’s fine.
MISS ELIZABETH:
He’s not fine! He sounds like he’s dying up there.
JASON:
He just has to breathe a little bit. He’ll feel better. Scott, how’s the traffic looking on Angus Pepper Memorial Drive?
MISS ELIZABETH:
Okay, this is enough. Scott, just land. It’s okay.
JASON:
Scott, on the way down, maybe just look out the window and see if you can see any cars. Are there lots of cars, or just a few? Can you just tell us that?
MISS ELZABETH:
No, no. Scott, take care of yourself. Just land, go home and get some rest. Bye bye.
Thank you, Scott, for the update. I think we should all just keep our eyes open and if you have any traffic tips, maybe just call them in to the podcast. I hope Scott feels better soon.
That’s it for this edition of the Smileton news. I’m Miss Elizabeth. Good night, outta sight.
(Jason complains about the signoff)
ROUND WHEEL OF MYSTERY
Thanks, Miss Elizabeth for that hard-hitting, informative news cast. I feel better informed and am now ready to do another song. It’s time to do Magic Mile. I know what you might be thinking. “You were talking pretty tough about defying the Round Wheel of Mystery earlier. Aren’t you scared of what might happen? That Wheel has powers!” Yes, I know. It’s back in Smileton, but no matter where we go on Earth, its influence is felt. It communicated its wishes throughout Summer Commotion 2019. Text, telegram, candygram, it imprinted a message onto a kids t-shirt from 5000 miles away. So yeah, I was talking tough earlier, but actually the Wheel has already spoken. It commanded that we do the whole Nudes song cycle live. It’s not just picking one song, it’s picking them all. It’s power is growing. And this time, it relayed its wishes through a stripogram.
So, fine – the Wheel Wills and we obey. Let’s do the second Nudes song – “Magic Mile”
LIVE – Magic Mile
PAID ADVERTISEMENT – THE TRAMPOLINE CENTRE (Jason)
Today’s show is brought to you by The Trampoline Centre, Smileton’s body specialists. In business since 1989, The Trampoline Centre has been helping Smileton get healthy using our patented, unforgiving diet and exercise regimens. You come to us, you’ll see results. We’ll throw you in the back of one of our vans, take you to one of our six Trampoline zones outside the city and really get to work on you. When we return you home, you won’t remember much, but you’ll be amazed when you look in the mirror. You will be healthy, strong, trim – and it’ll be all thanks to us.
If you’re looking for fun and enjoyment, The Trampoline Centre isn’t for you. If you’re looking for results, and you can pay the price, come on down and let us start making a difference on you today.
Back in 1989, Leon Tramopline had a vision. And in our 30th anniversary year, we are proud to say that that vision burns brighter than ever. The human body needs two things: water and discipline. Sign up for one of our Trampoline programs and we’ll give you lots of both of those things.
What we don’t do is give you a family play time, we don’t do kids’ birthday parties, we’re not here to entertain. None of our Trampoline Centres contains a single trampoline. Do NOT come here expecting to bounce on anything, unless it’s your head bouncing off a sidewalk after you’re thrown out for coming around and asking such foolish questions.
Wanna drop weight, get fit? Come to the Trampoline Centre. You want to bounce around like a little kid? Get the hell out of here.
YELLOWKNIFE UPDATE
We’re really enjoying our time in Yellowknife. Lance, who runs the music store Musique by Lance back in Smileton has driven up here. He’s watching us do the show. His brother lives here so he’s crashing with him. People up here love Lance. He brings guitars up and everyone buys them since Lance thinks it’s a different currency up here – Arctic bucks. It’s two dollars Canadian for each Arctic buck, so people get a huge bargain. I’ve tried to tell him we’re still in the same country, same currency, but he won’t listen.
We’re quite far up north, but there’s still plenty of north to go. I’m thinking of grabbing a dog team and heading north to the coast. I’ll rent a big SUV and we can all ride together. Get some arctic surfing in before heading back to Smile Syndicate HQ.
But in the meantime, we have more music to do. Let’s continue on with the 3rd song in the Nudes cycle. “The Streakening!”
LIVE – The Streakening
Now it’s time to present the Death Metal Quiz.
DEATH METAL QUIZ WITH JORG
MISS ELIZABETH
Welcome to today’s episode of The Death Metal Quiz. I’m your host, Miss Elizabeth, and today we’ve got a great contest for you. Two death metal experts, both from right here in Smileton, are here to match wits and determine who should be crowned King of the Death Metal Quiz realm!
Won’t you please join me in welcoming Jason and Jorg!
Now Jason, it says here you’re from Smileton and you’re the co-host of the Smile Syndicate Music Hour Podcast.
JASON
Yeah, that’s right.
MISS ELIZABETH
And I understand you just got back from a trip to Niagra Falls that was very exciting and maybe a little dangerous. Could you tell us a little about that, please?
JASON
Huh? No. I wasn’t in Niagra Falls. Who does your resear-
MISS ELIZABETH
And Jorg Flurnstadt. It says here you’re also a podcast host, but you also are a community organizer, death metal expert and a professional flautist. That must be very exciting!
JORG
It’s a full life, Miss Elizabeth. A rich, full, rewarding life.
JASON
You don’t play flute. Stop it.
JORG
I do so. I’m currently in an ambient death metal quartet. I play flute and lead our improvisations.
JASON
Since when?
JORG
What do you mean? I feature one of my pieces in every episode of my podcast! Don’t you listen to my show? You know, you could play it at half speed if it moves too fast for you.
JASON
I listen at full speed, pal. Don’t worry, I can keep up with all your talking about grave robbing and cannibal witches and demon dogs.
JORG
I’m tired of your reductionist sloganeering.
JASON
What?
MISS ELIZABETH
Guys, please – contestants don’t argue with each other on Jeopardy. Let’s have a proper game show here.
We’re going to kick things off with our opening round. Each question is worth 5 points. First contestant to buzz gets to answer. If they’re wrong, their opponent has a chance to steal those points!
First question:
This guitarist set the death metal record for longest guitar solo on Earth by performing a 257-minute guitar solo at a concert in Stockholm in 1998. Who is he?
JORG
MISS ELIZABETH
Jorg!
JORG
Count Vilifia. Lead guitarist for Slime Bride. He pretty much invented the modern electric guitar.
MISS ELIZABETH
Correct! That’s 5 points to Jorg.
JORG
Thanks for the softball question, Miss Elizabeth. You’ll have to try a little harder than that to trip me up! LOL!
JASON
Ugh, please don’t say “LOL”. This is already the worst game show experience of my life.
MISS ELIZABETH
Second question:
I feel a cold chill in the air. It must be because The Brazilian Death Metal Kings are back on their road with their patented brand of ghost-themed death metal. The recording of their debut album from 1991, Ghostly Nebulous Ghost Entrail, was unique in what particular way?
JORG
MISS ELIZABETH
Jorg Flurnstadt!
JORG
During the recording of the album, each of the band members were pronounced legally dead in 4 separate incidents. They each recovered and continued recording the album.
MISS ELIZABETH
That is correct! 5 points to Jorg.
The score is Jorg 10, Jason ZERO!
JASON
I was gonna say that the recording was noteworthy because they apparently set out to make the worst death metal album ever and they succeeded beyond their wildest dreams.
JORG
Quiet, philistine. I can’t say I’m surprised the subtle charms of The Brazilian Death Metal Kings are lost on an oaf like you.
JASON
You lost the duel so you’re supposed to come on my show, behave yourself and contribute positively. You’re not on here to insult me. Remember I still have my duelling equipment. I can hop right back on that unicycle and chase you down.
JORG
I did not lose the duel. Your psychotic yoga instructor sicced his yoga dogs on me. That should have been a disqualification for you. I won the duel.
MISS ELIZABETH
Okay, we’re not rehashing that right now. I declared you both to be the winner so you both should start acting like it.
JASON
I’m behaving like a gentleman. I’m participating in this goofball quiz. I don’t know why there’s so much death metal on this show.
This show is supposed to be about Smile Syndicate Funtime Music and Funtime Fun. I don’t know why we have to sit around talking about casting spells and marrying corpses. Our dear listener friend is not here for that. I think they’re listening while holding their nose right now. They want Jorg to be out of here and for us to get to the next song or zany segment.
MISS ELIZABETH
This is the zany segment so we all just need to get along, settle down, get on with it.
JORG
How badly I’m beating you is pretty zany to me!
JASON
Quiet.
MISS ELIZABETH
I’m going to have you both put on your history hats for the next one. We’re going back to the early days of death metal for this one.
JORG
One of my specialties.
JASON
Are we nearly done? I don’t know how much of this I can take.
MISS ELIZABETH
We’re still in Round One.
So, let’s hop in a death metal time machine and go all the way back to 1985. Which death metal legends released two albums that year? Albums that came out on the SAME DAY and albums that TOPPED THE CHARTS BOTH AT THE SAME TIME?
JORG
MISS ELIZABETH
Jorg Flurnstadt!
JORG
Eee-zeee! Those legends would be Shadow Of Filth and, for bonus points, the two albums they released were “Crying Necromancer” and “Blind Autopsy”. They both hit number one on the same date: June 22nd.
MISS ELIZABETH
Amazing! Exactly right!
JASON
Bonus points. Knock it off.
MISS ELIZABETH
With yet another correct answer, Jorg leads Jason 15 to ZERO.
Feel free to answer a question, Jason.
JASON
I’m doing my best. A proper game show would have a host hassling the contestants.
JORG
Who would have believed I could have so much fun doing this podcast? You should have asked me on earlier, Miss Elizabeth.
JASON
Stop bothering the host. Next question, please.
MISS ELIZABETH
We’ve got a brain twister here for our next question. Doctor Grind is a founding member of the band Crypt Changers. TRUE OR FALSE?
JORG
What? That’s not a question is –
JASON
MISS ELIZABETH
Jason?
JASON
True!
MISS ELIZABETH
Correct! That’s five points for Jason. Thanks for joining the game!
JORG
What a silly question. But, far be it from me to deny the downtrodden a little charity.
JASON
Hah! 5 points, buddy boy. You think you can skunk me? You skunked yourself!
MISS ELIZABETH
It’s time to flip a coin again because here comes another TRUE/FALSE question! Virtuoso bassist Giganto K is the bassist for Negative Entrails. TRUE OR FALSE
JORG
True!
MISS ELIZABETH
Incorrect! Jason?
JORG
What?!
JASON
False?
MISS ELIZABETH
Five more for Jason! The score is now Jorg 15, Jason 10.
JORG
Miss Elizabeth, if you would, could you explain that last question? I am certain Giganto K plays bass for Negative Entrails.
MISS ELIZABETH
Indeed he did, but the results of a recent lawsuit have forced the band to change their name to Negative Entrails, Jr. That is their official name as of a few weeks ago and as such, must be considered the correct answer.
JASON
These TRUE/FALSE things are great. Keep ’em comin’!
MISS ELIZABETH
We’re nearing the end of our first round in today’s match so, a final question for Round One: Which teen death metal band scored a string of 5 hit albums in the early 2000s that included “Six Feet Under Slumber Party” and “Nowhere Cooler Than The Grave”?
JASON
MISS ELIZABETH
Jason
JASON
Cannibal… Graverobbing… Death…. Patrol
JORG
Oh, come on. Don’t make up answers.
MISS ELIZABETH
Incorrect? Jorg?
JORG
Miss Elizabeth, the answer you seek is Depraved Corpse. My signed copy of “Death Pony Prancing Low” is a treasured possession of mine. All 5 members signed it – and I got it on vinyl!
JASON
No one cares. Next question.
MISS ELIZABETH
Well, Jorg is correct.
And we’re at the end of our first round. Our score: Jorg Flurnstadt – 20, Jason – 10. This is some battle, huh, folks?
Now let’s take a few minutes and get to know our contestants a little better. First up we have Jason. He’s co-host of The Smile Syndicate Music Hour and he also a member of The Smile Syndicate, who apparently some kind of music combo. Why don’t you tell us something about yourself?
JASON
Well, I’m a little impatient with the question because I’ve been talking to you and our wonderful podcast audience for the last 40 minutes or so. But fine – I guess the main thing about me is that I’m Smileton’s foremost Death Metal expert. Accept no substitutes, folks!
JORG
Hah – look at the score. Some expert!
MISS ELIZABETH
And opposing Jason is Jorg. He is the founder of the Jorg Presents: The Ultimate Death Metal Hour podcast. He is also its host, muse to his co-hosts and the death metal community at large, and he is a death metal community activist who is committed to affecting change at a grassroots level through application of death metal ethical and political concepts. You seem to be doing very well so far, Jorg. It says here you’ve got a really interesting story about meeting royalty. Would you like to share that story with us?
JORG
Hmm. I don’t think that was me. I never met any royalty.
JASON
I think you need to read the riot act to your researchers, Miss Elizabeth.
MISS ELIZABETH
Let’s get on to Round Two!
It’s time for our Gimme Answers segment. Our players are now asked to phrase their answers in the form of a demand. Questions are worth 10 points now. It’s anyone’s game so let’s get to it.
Which pioneering death metal group’s stage act featured bikini clad scuba divers who were known the Undersea Witch Coven?
JORG
MISS ELIZABETH
Jorg.
JORG
Give me ASPHIXIUM!
MISS ELIZABETH
And that’s 10 points to Jorg!
JORG
Can we please check to see that Jacob’s buzzer works?
JASON
It works just fine.
JORG
Could have fooled me!
MISS ELIZABETH
Now, this next question is important – if Jorg gets it, he takes a commanding lead. If Jason gets it, he’s right back in the game. Get your fingers ready to buzz and your brains ready to think as we turn our gaze towards the music of GRIMY CAULDRON.
JORG
Yes!
MISS ELIZABETH
Grimy Cauldron formed in 2005. The classic lineup of the band is well known to all death metallers: Count Dracoul, Count Demonos, Count Impalia, and Count Canniballis. This fearsome foursome has been rocking the graveyard for nearly 15 years and shows no sign of stopping. But, did you know that this is NOT the original line up? Who were the original members replaced by Count Demonos and Count Impalia?
JASON
MISS ELIZABETH
Jason?
JASON
I don’t know.
JORG
MISS ELIZABETH
Jorg?
JORG
Give me Wolf Caninus and The Defleshinator!
You are correct! Oh, you really needed that one, Jason. Jorg is got a commanding lead.
JASON
Hey, I’m fine. You just keep asking the questions. I’ll answer the important ones.
JORG
Can I ask Jacob a question?
JASON
Sure – but I’ll give you the answer first: No. Forget it….. As if.
MISS ELIZABETH
Let’s stay on target here, guys. We’ve got one more question in this round.
What famous Hawaiian death metal –
JORG
MISS ELIZABETH
Jorg Flurnstadt!
JORG
Lord Volcanus! Gotta be!
MISS ELIZABETH
Correct! Wow – another 10 points! That makes it Jorg 40, Jason 10.
JORG
Looks like I’m running away with this. If you ask for mercy, Jacob, I’ll relent. We can end the game right here.
JASON
Start weak, finish strong. That’s a tip for you kids out there. Don’t worry about me, Jorg.
MISS ELIZABETH
Okay, our next few questions are going to test your knowledge of the VENOM – the grand old sages of Devil-worshipping music, and like, Miss Elizabeth, they hail from Newcastle in the United Kingdom!
JORG
Now wait just a minute. This is a Death Metal quiz. I’m afraid these questions are out of bounds! Venom is black metal, not death metal!
JASON
They’re not black metal!
JORG
What?! They have an song called “Black Metal”! They have an album called “Black Metal”! They’ve been saying they’re the originators of black metal for 40 years! We should set these Venom questions aside and move on to other ones.
JASON
Who’s the chicken now? Who’s the chicken? You call me a chicken? I think we know who the chicken is now! Miss Elizabeth, let’s continue with the game.
JORG
I protest!
JASON
Quiet, chicken. Protest all you want. I protest you being on my show. If you’re scared of these questions, you can give up and I’ll just take the points.
JORG
I’ll answer any question you have for me, Miss Elizabeth.
MISS ELIZABETH
Okay, let’s continue. In 1984, Venom released their classic track Manitou as a 12″ single. What was on the B-side?
JORG
Hah! Easy! The B-side consisted of a song entitled “Woman”.
MISS ELIZABETH
Jason, can you steal?
JORG
What?
JASON
The B-side consisted of the song “Woman” and a song entitled “Dead of the Night”. She said the 12″ single, Jorg, not the 7″. Clean the crap out of your ears.
MISS ELIZABETH
Correct! That’s 10 points to Jason. The score is now 40-20 for Jorg.
JORG (impatient)
Next question, please.
JASON
Sportsmanship, Jorg, Sportsmanship. Let’s both be good role models to all the young people listening.
MISS ELIZABETH
On what label was Venom’s brilliant debut album Welcome To Hell released in the US?
JORG
Neat Records. Boom!
JASON
That was in the UK. It came out on Combat Records in the States.
MISS ELIZABETH
Another 10 points to Jason! This race is getting close!
JASON
Hear that rumbling sound, Jorg? That’s the J-train comin’ straight for ya!
JORG
Too bad it’s a circus train!
MISS ELIZABETH
Guys, focus. Who produced Venom’s 1987 album Calm Before The Storm?
JORG
Keith Nichol produced all their old albums.
MISS ELIZABETH
Jason for the steal?
JORG
Oh, come on!
JASON
Calm Before the Storm was produced by Nick Tauber. Keith Nichol only engineered that one.
MISS ELIZABETH
Correct. And with Jason’s 30 point streak, we are all tied up! 40 points a piece!
JORG
Can we please get back to proper Death Metal questions?
JASON
These are proper questions.
MISS ELIZABETH
And now it’s time for our lighting sudden death round. The questions are going to be hurling down on you so get ready! It’s anybody’s game
at this point!
<JORG’S DOORBELL RINGS>
I’m sorry, Miss Elizabeth. I’m expecting an important delivery today. And I had it delivered here. I just need to answer the door if you don’t mind.
MISS ELIZABETH
Sure, no problem, Jorg.
JASON
It’s a delivery of crow that you’re about to be eating with my compliments.
JORG
Oh! Get off! No! Get out of here, mangy mutts! Get off! No! Ugh! It’s those yoga dogs! Somebody c-
……………
JASON
Well, apologies, my listener friend. We cut out there for a little bit. Jorg got playfully jostled by some yoga dogs that came by.
MISS ELIZABETH
JASON
No. No idea that would happen. I don’t need dogs to do my dirty work. I was about to win this thing fair and square. Jorg’s to blame for this.
He makes a fiasco out of any segment we try to have with him. I suggest that since he quit the game early, I be declared the winner.
MISS ELIZABETH
No, no. The game is over. The score is tied. That’s the result – a tie.
JASON
Well, okay. It was pretty clear who had the momentum. I would have won if it weren’t for all the bad karma Jorg puts out there coalescing into a mass of yoga dogs.
Let’s end the show, and end Summer Commotion, on a high note. I’m gonna pick up that ol’ guitar and strum the last song in the Nudes song cycle – The Universe Is Nude
LIVE – The Universe Is Nude
Summer Commotion 2019 is officially in the books. We hope you had fun travelling with us and really enjoyed the summertime funtime hotspots we visited. We’re going to be heading back to Smileton now, but we’ll be back next week with another brand new episode of the Smile Syndicate Music Hour. The fun will continue through August and beyond. This fall is going to be amazing – we have some special surprises planned. There will definitely be more special events happening on the show before this year is done. So, good thing you bought that crash helmet because you’ve strapped yourself to a wonder rocket and we’re gonna fly this thing probably to the moon at least!
Take us out, Miss Elizabeth!
BYE BYE
That’s it! We hope you enjoyed the show. If you did, please consider joining the Smile Squad and support this podcast on Patreon. Join our just cause as we pursue the values of Funtime music, Funtime comedy, and general delightedment.
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So it’s bye bye from Jason.
And bye bye from me. See you next week.
And as always, remember friend, the sun is a jukebox.
