Hello and welcome to the Smile Syndicate Music Hour – the home of Funtime music. Check us out on Patreon.com/thesmilesyndicate and join the Smile Squad!
I’m excited to hear today’s songs. Let’s go, Jason!
Thanks, Miss Elizabeth. And hello, friend. Thanks very much for downloading and listening to this episode. That you turned your ear to our feisty little show means a lot to us and both Miss Elizabeth and I will be working hard to ensure that you stick with us. I think you’ll find that after listening for a while, you’ll begin to forget what your life was like before you started listening to the show. When you spend the hour with us you get fun – fun music, fun crazy comedy – just fun. Funtime. That’s the name of the game here.
If this is a return visit for you, and you’re starting to dig what we’re vibing, please tell your friends about the show. Word of mouth is important so put your mouth to a good use and spread the word. If this is your first time listening, oh, my friend, we already like you and we think you’re going to enjoy the Funtime music and comedy we have in store for you today.
We’ve got plenty of Smile Syndicate music for you. We’ll be checking in with The Smile Syndicate Charts – the most competitive, violently combustible music chart in the business. We’ll see what song has asserted its dominance this week. Plus we’ll be giving the old Smile Syndicate Jukebox one of our lucky nickels and seeing what song it spits back at us. And most importantly, we’re debuting a brand new Smile Syndicate song at the end of the show. This week, we’re proud to present WALK THE ROCK WALK to you.
We’re also going to be hearing from Miss Elizabeth as she presents the latest episode of MISS ELIZABETH, INVESTIGASTOR OF SUPERNATURAL MYSTERIES. And later on, since this is the first episode of the month, we’ll be presenting the ACCUSCOPE HOROSCOPE. Up to date messages, warnings and advice, straight from my inner mind and into your life.
So let’s get the show started off right. Let’s check in with The Smile Syndicate Chart. This is a no-holds barred battleground where songs ferociously fight to become the champion. Lies, deceit, kicking, scratching – there’s no such thing as dirty pool here. It’s all allowed. Low blows. Everything. These songs will do what it takes to be king. And this week saw a young fighter appear from nowhere to become a wrecking machine music industry execs will speak of only in whispers decades from now. Coming in at number 3 with a bullet, this is THE SMILE SYNDICATE with their cover of the theme to GOLDFINGER!
CHARTS – Goldfinger
JORG DUEL PREP UPDATE –
I have all my equipment. I have been practicing. Whipping around town in my getup. Charging at things – yelling. Getting in the zone. I’m ready. I could do this thing today.
Jorg, on the other hand, has apparently chosen a different way to prepare. I’ve been honing my skills, getting the best equipment, training my mind in its one fundamental task: destroying my enemy. Jorg, though, has decided to dispense with all that kind of thing apparently, and has decided, instead, to craft a list of demands. Which he sent to be via registered letter. It arrived yesterday and I’d like to share it with you now. There are only five and not 27, so I guess that’s a good thing:
I have notified the press, the civic authorities and the general populace to witness this event. If anyone chooses to abandon their role as neutral observer does something like start chanting “Jason! Jason!” then I will walk away from the duel and consider myself to be the moral victor.
There will be one joust. When I win, I don’t want Jason saying “best out of 3”, “best out of 7”. One charge, one champion.
I have chosen to wear period-appropriate regalia and I will not be mocked for it. If I hear one mocking word from Jason, I will walk away from the duel and consider myself the moral victor.
12 doves must be released to the open sky prior to the duel. This is to symbolize my spirit soaring above the sordid wars of men.
Respect Miss Elizabeth.
While I’ve been preparing for the duel, Miss Elizabeth has been off with some of her friends, getting up to some funny business. This is a segment we call
MISS ELIZABETH – INVESTIGATOR OF SUPERNATURAL MYSTERIES
I’m very busy appearing on a number of podcasts. But circumstances are forcing me to take up a new role – investigator of supernatural mysteries.
Last time, I told you about the bronze statues that began appearing in the Smileton Mall food court. For the longest time, there was just one. Then I noticed a couple more, thought the mall had commissioned some new ones. But then, when I was visiting my friend Tiffany the blacksmith, she told me about how her apprentice Tam had stopped showing up at the forge. It wouldn’t be like him to ghost her like this, so she was worried. When I returned to Connie’s Kettle in the mall, I saw there was a new statue – and it looked exactly like Tam. Something is afoot here.
You never know how deep a mystery goes, so I knew right away I was going to need a team to help me solve this. I talked to Tiffany the blacksmith and she was gung ho for us to team up and get to the bottom of this strange phenomenon. Connie was also game, but I think she was thinking this was more like joining a mystery book club or something. She was saying things like “sounds fun! I’ll join!”
I got a couple more people interested. I met Hunter, Tiffany’s hunky ex, a few weeks ago. He looks like he should be pretty good at solving mysteries. He was dropping off some stuff at the forge for Tiffany when I was there and we got to talking. I told him about the bronze statue mystery and he wanted to help. I think he just wants to stay close to Tiffany. I’m not sure why they broke up.
And, unfortunately, when I was at the tea shop Connie’s ne’er-do-well brother-in-law overheard us talking and forced his way on to the team. “You gotta let me help you solve things!” He wants us to call him Duke and I’m not doing that.
A few days later, we had our first meeting. If we’re going to be investigators, we have to get organized. We have a mystery fighting team here and we need a name. So, I had some good ideas, but so did everyone else. We got totally bogged down arguing about what name we should use:
Duncan and the Donuts
Strike Squad USA
The Furious Seven
We spent at least an hour arguing and we didn’t reach a consensus. So final selection of a name has been put onto the next meeting’s agenda.
I pointed out that once we start investigating, we’re going to be gathering lots of information. We’ll need to have an office, with loads of corkboards so we can post our maps and notes with leads on them and red string joining things together. So first things first, we need to get some stationary. Some good 3×5 cards, some 4×6 cards for the trickier cases, and the right kind of pens, sharpies, postits, red string of the right texture and thickness. It’s quite a task setting up a Supernatural Investigation team.
We decided to go to the stationary supply store to get some samples and figure out what we need. Tiffany offered to drive. There were 5 of us and we could only just fit into the jeep. Connie said we needed a better team vehicle. I want us to get a mini van. Tiffany wants to just use the jeep. Hunter wanted to buy a used limousine. Connie wanted a 4×4 truck. So we had a big argument about it on the way to the stationary store. That fight didn’t get resolved either, but I can tell you this team isn’t solving anything lounging around in a limousine.
We arrived at the stationary store and what happened there really made me happy. We spent the next 3 hours working with one of the shop’s specialists, going through design after design, paper type after paper type, all in search of the perfect index cards. And I tell you, this team pulled together. We all voted for this lovely floral pattern on a very solid card stock. These cards tell the world, yeah this team likes beautiful things, but watch out, we’re no pushovers.
Who or whatever is responsible for these bronze statues and disappearances isn’t going to stay a mystery for long with this team on its tail! I’m excited to tell you what happens next because I have a feeling that this mystery doesn’t stand a chance!
ROUND WHEEL OF MYSTERY
Now it’s time to roll out the magic wheel. The Round Wheel of Mystery. One day, this thing just appeared in Smile Syndicate HQ. Don’t know where it came from. We spin it and do what it commands. Usually it’s play a Smile Syndicate song, but there are lots of other things on here. Some of them look a little funky, a little strange, a little nebulous. But we’ve had good luck with it so far. So, Miss Elizabeth, if you would, spin that thing.
Hmm. It just says “Summon me.” Not sure what that’s supposed to mean. Let’ s just spin it again.
“Learn Latin and summon me now. You can’t keep me out of your world.” Well that doesn’t sound very good. I’m just lookin’ to play a song here, wheel! Let’s try one more time.
Okay, there we go. Today we’re gonna play “Monocle”. We’re going to us a singular eye, the Inner Eye, and see things more clearly. With one voice let us now say “Jukebox, play us a song.”
JUKEBOX – Monocle
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We’re going to outer space and inner mind. Let’s tune our minds and get ready to receive messages that are going to change you in ways you can’t expect.
You want a horoscope to be accurate and be actionable. You have to be able to do something with the information, otherwise what’s the point. This is the only science-based horoscope. We tap into the power of the subconscious. We tune into those specific frequencies that untap the quanta, that let us receive and interpret messages from the future. Listen close and if you do what the Accuscope Horoscope says, everything will change.
The Inner Mind now speaks, if we only have ears to listen.
GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) – Every time you tell a joke, all you hear is crickets. Have a bath once in a while – that’ll keep the bugs down and keep your audience focused on your material.
CANCER (June 21 to July 22) – Proud as a peacock. You just think you’re somethin’. The world revolves around you! We’re all just chunks of misshapen rock, orbiting you, you mighty gas giant!
LEO (July 23 to August 22) – The decision to only ever wear boots, no matter the situation, will soon pay dividends. Keep at it. Buy those boots. Wear those boots. There is nothing else – but the boots. Boots.
VIRGO (August 23 to September 22) – If you’re still on the fence about bleaching your hair, just do your eyebrows and see how that goes over.
LIBRA (September 23 to October 22) – Throwing up on the string quartet got you a big laugh at last month’s dinner party, but that cellist has a mean streak and a long memory.
SCORPIO (October 23 to November 21) – Your poor woodworking skills are alienating your friends. Either learn to sand better or stop giving everybody benches that you’ve made.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 to December 21) – You’ll proudly type the last page of your first mystery novel on a typewriter. To celebrate, you’ll take a selfie. Unfortunately, the last page will be clearly visible in the photo and so everyone will know that Constance McGonagle faked her own death to frame Inspector Harriwood who deftly exposes her scheme with the phrase “But you see, my dear, I am, in fact, allergic to tomahtos.” So, nice work.
CAPRICORN (December 22 to January 19) – Those black leather pants aren’t “dad pants” so stop calling them that.
AQUARIUS (January 20 to February 18) – The mysteries of the Universe will suddenly reveal their secrets to you at a deli. But you’ll be too busy complaining about your under-toasted bagel to notice.
PISCES (February 19 to March 20) – The sign of the Fishman. This pocket watch affectation you’ve developed has got to go. Your constant checking of it annoys people, they hate your vest, and you’re always fifteen minutes late for everything.
ARIES (March 21-April 19) – A game of 20 questions will lead to a shattering revelation, a delightful misunderstanding, and a shocking betrayal.
TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) – You’re not a dirty rat fink because you told your boss about a dishonest co-worker. You’re a dirty rat fink because you betray every confidence and are utterly untrustworthy.
HORPTO (leap years) – That burger place downtown used to have great milkshakes but I don’t know what’s happened to them. They’re terrible now. Maybe the new owners did something to the recipe? I don’t know.
I’m only able to put these horoscopes together because I tap into my Inner Mind. But that’s not the only mind you should be tapping – how about the Hive Mind that we call social media?
This one is very straightforward:
Approvatroid – you create an account. Profile is very simple – name, picture, and a paragraph to explain yourself. When you log in, you’re presented with the profile of a random person – different each time. You either take a look at it and you either click thumbs up or thumbs down. And that’s it. You’ll never see this profile again. People will see your profile and over time, you’ll see if you rate or not. Should you feel good about yourself or not? LET THE PUBLIC DECIDE.
Patreon – join the Smile Squad. The more support we get there, the less likely I just do a table flip one day and say “to the devil with this lousy show – I’m out!” I don’t want that. You don’t want that. Support for as little as $1 a month – less than the price of a cup of coffee and you drink too much of that stuff anyway. So introduce moderation in your life and support this show and the music today.
Until June 30, if you join the Smile Squad on Patreon, even at the $1 level, we’ll send you a cool sticker with the Smile Syndicate Music Hour logo on it. (After June, stickers will be only for higher support levels.)
YouTube – Subscribe now and beat the rush. I’m getting comfortable with my juggling abilities now so you’re gonna see new videos appearing on the channel soon.
MARQUEE SONG SLOT – Walk The Rock Walk
And now, the reason for the season, the Marquee Song Slot. We’ve got a brand new Smile Syndicate song for you. This one is called Walk The Rock Walk. It’s gonna move and groove you. It’s always a good day when a new Smile Syndicate song makes its debut. So let’s put on our Smile Syndicate Listening Hats, cuddle up closely with our device, computer or android houseservant and…. listen.
That’s it! We hope you enjoyed the show. If you did, please consider joining the Smile Squad and support this podcast on Patreon. Join our just cause as we pursue the values of Funtime music, Funtime comedy, and general delightedment.
Go to Patreon.com/thesmilesyndicate and select the level of membership that feels most comfortable to you. Patrons of The Smile Syndicate get early access, exclusive extra stuff, and membership in the most awesome club on the Internet.
Please tell a friend about this podcast and, if you could, give us a review on iTunes. These small gestures could change the world.
So it’s bye bye from Jason.
And bye bye from me. See you next week.
And as always, remember friend, the sun is a jukebox.