Hello and welcome to the Smile Syndicate Music Hour – the home of Funtime music. Check us out on Patreon.com/thesmilesyndicate and join the Smile Squad!
I’m excited to hear today’s songs. Let’s go, Jason!
Thanks, Miss Elizabeth. Hello, friend. Thanks for downloading this episode and tuning in. Your keen attention and enthusiasm are the fuel that makes this show run. We really appreciate you listening and we hope the hour we have together will enrich you, enliven you, excite you.
We’ve got a lot of Funtime music and comedy confections for you this week. It’s quite a nice grab bag.
We’ll be checking in on the Smile Syndicate Chart, that hottest of hot hit charts and the Smile Syndicate Jukebox will be launching a classic Smile Syndicate song at us like a medieval catapult that’s on fire.
We’ve also got some other delightful Funtime segments for you. I’d like to give you a quick update on my preparations for my duel with Jorg – which now has a date. So that is going to be going down in June and the countdown is ON. And we’ll be hearing all the latest about my life coach Jerry in the latest chapter of The Jerry Chronicles.
And before the show gets rolling, I’d just like to address one thing. We had a parade last week in Smileton. It was for Victoria Day, but for some reason we celebrate it a week earlier than the rest of the country. I think somebody got it wrong years ago and no one wants to correct the error. Anyway, so many of the other podcasts in town had a presence there – they’d set up booths, they were broadcasting live from there, some actually had floats in the parade. So I figured I represent The Smile Syndicate Music Hour and get down there. Normally, Miss Elizabeth would handle stuff like that, but she was busy with something for Russian History podcast she also co-hosts, so I was on my own.
Nothing weird happened. I was wandering around with a Smile Syndicate T-shirt on, spreading good will. I worked my way up to the front of the crowd. I’m talking to people, waving at the floats, having a good time. Suddenly, I felt this massive sneeze come on. It just hit me like a tidal wave. So I sneezed, excused myself and kept up with the Victoria Day fun.
So the paper comes out on Tuesday, and who do I see on the front cover. There’s a close-up of me with the worst sneeze face you’ve ever seen. It looked like I was being tickled and throwing up at the same time, while screaming in fear. So there’s this awful picture of me and below it is the headline “WHO LOVES A PARADE? NOT THIS GUY!”
Now the whole town thinks I hate Victoria Day. People, I don’t. I love it. It’s bigger than Christmas to me. I was sneezing. So stop yelling at me from your cars, stop throwing garbage at me, stop with the negative vibes – it’s a bad trip, man, so cool it.
Let’s check in with The Smile Syndicate Music Chart. This is the most dynamic, no-holds-barred, battle royale of a music chart in the world. Music industry veterans shake their heads when they see what goes on on this chart. Songs just going at each other, two songs enter, one song leaves. Every song takes a scorched earth policy when it comes to climbing to the top. Shocks, surprises, tragedy, comedy – this chart has it all. And this week doesn’t disappoint. From way out in left field, this week, coming in at number 3 with a bullet, this is THE SMILE SYNDICATE with their cover of Boney M’s RASPUTIN!
CHARTS – Rasputin
QUICK FOOD COURT REGULARS STORY
I really like hanging out with the Food Court Regulars – they’re my mall buddies. I spend a lot of time in that food court, we’ve been through a lot together – mostly stupid food eating competitions and arguments about music – but through it all we’ve developed a very strong bond. We’re brothers and sisters, in that foxhole in the middle of the mall, keeping our heads low and our spirits high.
In an earlier Life Hacks segment, I told you about having a vinegar shot drinking contest with the Regulars: Sidewinder, Jasper Joseph, Patricia and Cranky Neil. Those were the good old days, our salad days.
So I’m starting to feel like I can’t hang around with them anymore. They’ve kind of taken what the Food Court Regulars stood for and turned it on its head.
They’ve all gotten into hacky sack. They’ve all lost their minds over it. They’ve jumped into things before – getting into CB radio with them was the best thing I ever did – but this time they’ve really blundered.
They don’t even want to be in the food court anymore. All they want to do is be out on the grass, kicking that stupid beanbag around.
I need to distract them. I need to introduce an activity that will get them back inside. I’m sitting alone there now, eating my burger. Which would be fine, but there’s another group of food court regulars and we don’t get along with them. I feel vulnerable now, like I’ve been separated from the pack.
Gotta watch myself. Gotta stay frosty when I’m near the watering hole. Someone in that other group might be a crocodile and I’m a graceful bounding gazelle. I’ll be a gazelle with its head on a swivel.
So this is all because I didn’t have enough to worry about already, with my ongoing war with the Mayor and the upcoming duel with Jorg…
JORG DUEL PREP UPDATE
I’ve got all my gear for the duel – unicycle, form-fitting armor, custom-built lance, eye-patch. I’ve been spending the week practicing – learning how to ride a unicycle, how to joust with no depth perception, the psychology of jousting. It’s a crash-course.
I’ve got Angel the Yoga Teacher coaching me. He’s really helping me get my head in the jousting zone. He says before I even get on the unicycle, it’s already been decided whether I’ll win or lose – it’s all in my head.
As you might expect, the training is pretty intense. I have to run a gauntlet on the unicycle – basically I go back and forth in the yoga studio while he, Lillian and some of the other yoga students hurl medicine balls at me. He’s yelling stuff like “the threat doesn’t always come from the front in jousting!” It kinda does, but I wasn’t gonna correct him.
I’m not afraid of Lillian giving me a razor chop because I have my armor on.
I’ll be ready – I can stay upright on the unicycle pretty good now. Well enough to charge at Jorg like a lightning bolt from hell. Looking forward to this.
And speaking of looking forward, let’s roll out The Round Wheel of Mystery. We don’t know where this thing came from. It just appeared one day. It had a bunch of Smile Syndicate songs listed on it, plus a bunch of other bizarre stuff. We spin it, and usually it tells us which classic Smile Syndicate song we should call up on the jukebox. Last week, we were one tick away from the command “BURY IT IN CEMENT”. I don’t know what IT is, I don’t want to know. So, let’s roll the dice and see what the wheel commands this week.
Miss Elizabeth, spin that thing.
THE SMILE SYNDICATE JUKEBOX – So Far, No Good
This song is brimming with vim. It’s gonna get you worked up. So maybe restrain yourself. Tie one of your arms to a chair now. The song is pretty short so it should be over by the time you’re able to free yourself. You’ll calm down afterwards. But in the meantime, let’s cup a hand to our ear, then another hand to the other ear and start bouncing. Bounce hard and get ready for So Far, No GOOD.
I’m feeling propulsed after that one. That was like riding a time machine with the top down. Woo-eee.
Speaking of going for a ride, it’s time for the latest episode of The Jerry Chronicles (PLAY THEME).
THE JERRY CHRONICLES – EPISODE #7 – ON THE RUN
This is real life, but it’s becoming more like a soap opera each episode. Thrilling cliff-hangers, sordid romance, evil twins – this thing has got it all.
My life coach Jerry is on the run. Got involved with The Third Rhombus, met its Western Canadian head Johnny Denver. Told him about the Money Velocity Advantage. Johnny loved it and invested heavily. Jerry has all this cash, buying helicopters and talking cars. Johnny has disappeared. Lefty and Righty think he’s dead and they blame Jerry and are after him.
Going for a walk with one of those leashes that makes it look like you’re walking an invisible dog. Went all around the Angus Pepper Memorial Park – the grandfather of our inept, corrupt mayor Patty Pepper.
It’s a big park, on the west side of town. It’s bordered by wilderness. I take some trails and I’m at the far edge of the park.
I’m having a nice stroll, I crest this hill and I come upon these punk kids. They’ve got a boom box, blaring horrible homemade hip hop. It sounded so 90s – “I ain’t buggin’ why u buggin'”. And they’re like most punk kids, have to be right up to date with the latest fads. So they’re plate spinning. Got these tricked out stands, like a dozen flashy poles that are moving around, plates spinning on top of them. One kid is going nuts running around making sure the plates keep spinning. His buddies are shouting encouragement “Yo, man, spin that s.” The kids in this town have a screw loose.
I get closer and see that the kid spinning the plates is the Mayor’s son, Jaxon Pepper.
I’ve got enough on my plate, no pun intended, so I didn’t approach.
I keep walking. I’m walking on a path with a big ditch beside me. Suddenly I hear “psst. Psst, Jason!” I look down and it’s Jerry.
Jerry’s in a culvert. Living off the land. Clothed in rags.
Tammy came back – found the house half demolished. Jerry said she’s pretty mad –she just texted him a selfie of hand, middle finger extended. He says she’ll come around.
He hasn’t seen Lefty or Righty. He’s keeping his head down. He’s pretty depressed. The dreams of the Money Velocity Advantage have come crashing down. He’s worried about Johnny, he’s worried about Lefty and Righty taking over the MVA and reaping all its benefits. He’s worried they blame him for Johnny’s disappearance. So he’s gotta keep a low profile.
His talking car is still with him – hiding in a crudely dug hole, covered with branches. I asked if sleeping in KHAR might be more comfortable than the culvert – kind of mumbled his answer.
Then I ask how much cash does he have on him. He’s all “I dunno – 40 or 50 grand?” Why are you living in a ditch? You can stay somewhere half decent and still be on the run.
That started me thinking. I asked “how much do you think you could get for KHAR? 5 or 600 K?” You can be on the run in style for that kind of money. KHAR heard us and just said “No, I don’t think we’ll be doing that. I don’t think Jerry would do that well without me.”
Jerry goes “You’re right, KHAR. You’re right.” I wasn’t going to argue.
I go – we can do better with your being in hiding. Pack up your stuff, help me get this stuff off KHAR. We’ll find something better. Jerry’s all “thanks, man.”
So we head out. Jerry’s driving. We’re looking for a half-way decent hotel for Jerry to stay in. I get into a stupid fight with KHAR. I tell him to go to a drive thru so we can get burgers. “I’m not going to a drive thru.” “Oh yes, you are, you stupid car.” “Don’t call me stupid, stupid.” Jerry snaps at us: “quit fighting, you nimrods.”
We find a hotel outside of town. It looks alright. Not many people around. Jerry can probably stay here a while, get some rest, regroup. We go in. He’s the worst at keeping a low profile. He’s checking in and when he gets asked his name he’s all “Jerry the Life Coach. NO! Ah, Jeremy the…. volleyball coach. Jimmy the… football… coach. Jimmy… the cricket….” – I just cut him off. “Herb Hoffman. His name is Herb. RIght, Herb?” “Yeah, yeah – Herb.”
KHAR and I just look at each other and shake our heads.
The woman checking us in is about to hand Jerry the keys to his room when she suddenly stops. She seems to recognize him. She says, “could you wait just one minute, sir?” And she goes in the back. I go “we gotta get outta here. RIght now!” “I haven’t checked in yet!” “She knows who you -” and all of a sudden this truck bursts through the wall. Jerry screams, I scream, KHAR screams, we all scream. KHAR yells “scatter!” We all take off in different directions. Jerry yells “meet back at the culvert!” It’s Lefty and Righty in a black 4×4. They try to give chase, but the truck got hung up on some debris. They’re stuck. Lefty’s driving. He’s gunning it. The wheels are spinning but they aren’t on the ground. Righty is leaning out the passenger side window, banging the door in frustration. They see us fleeing and call after Jerry “You’ll pay for what you did to Johnny!”
We eventually make our way back to the culvert. Jerry is shaken but he’s okay. “That was a close call, huh, boys?” He’s back in the culvert, getting soaked. “So that hotel idea of yours was a real bust, Jason.” “We just picked the wrong one. You need to wear a disguise and not give your real name next time.”
“Funny you should say that.” He goes to the trunk and pulls out a case. “Thought I’d need a disguise at some point. I thought the circumstances would be cooler, though.” So he’s got disguises for both him and KHAR. He puts on these really thick eyebrows and a fake beard. The beard is triangular with a very sharp point. Plus he put on one of the eyebrows so that it’s arching. So he just looks like he’s dubious all the time now. KHAR has a disguise too – Jerry put this magnetic stickers on him – a racing stripe and the number 53 on both doors so now he looks like Herbie the Love bug. Except that he’s a black, ultra sleek, self-aware car and not a 1960s Volkswagen bug. But it’s good enough.
Suddenly we hear “there he is! In the culvert!” Lefty and Righty are charging through the brush, straight at us. Jerry freaks out and takes off. KHAR just yells “scatter!” Again – for a self-aware future car, he’s pretty stupid. Couldn’t he run interference for us or something? He’s probably bullet-proof. But no, first hint of trouble, and all he has is “Scatter!”
Lefty and Righty charge off in the direction Jerry ran, KHAR has scattered, so I’m alone. It’s quite a walk back from the culvert. I really don’t know how Lefty and Righty keep finding us. Haven’t heard from Jerry since then. I hope he’s alright. Getting surprised at the culvert really freaked him out. I hope he just keeps his head down for a while and doesn’t do anything stupid.
Krushda – this is not a pity plug, but Krushda has seen better days. It’s the earliest known social media platform. Pretty much the day after the first HTML site appeared, Krushda was there. It’s largely abandoned now. It’s like being in a ghost town and when you’re interacting with someone, you’re never sure if the other person is actually real or just inside your head. It’s kind of like living in a weird 40-hour long art film that is just one shot of a static scene where not much happens. So sign up today, I think you still can. I created my account years ago. Please come join me on Krushda, ’cause I think I’m losing it over there, quite frankly.
Patreon – Talk about the sticker offer
At long last, here we are. Our final item on the funtime menu for this week – the Marquee Song Slot. Everyone wants to be featured, few are chosen. The coveted splot on this podcast.
This week, making its podcast debut, is another song off Lovestorm – Time of the Great Apes. Apes escape from the zoo and, as apes do, go on a city-wide crime spree. Citizens are fearful, the cops can’t do anything and what, as listeners are we to do? Well, put a pillow under your knees, take your hat off, and ready and steady yourself. This one zips along and you don’t want to get left behind. Listen.
MARQUEE SONG SLOT – Time of the Great Apes
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So it’s bye bye from Jason.
And bye bye from me. See you next week.
And as always, remember friend, the sun is a jukebox.