Hello and welcome to the Smile Syndicate Music Hour. Get ready for some Funtime music and Funtime comedy. By the time we’re done with you, you won’t believe a single one of your senses.
Let’s go, Jason!
You’re here just in time. This is classic You. You show up right at the last second, making us all worry you weren’t gonna make it, but here you are. Welcome, friend. We appreciate your attention and we’ll strive to reward it the best podcast episode you ever heard. It may not be this one, but keep listening – we’ll get it right, soon. I can feel it.
First time listener, welcome. Please put on this name tag – we want people to greet you by name when they come up to you during the intermission. You may be a bit nervous right now, but you’ll soon see what a friendly, easy-going show this is and soon you’ll feel that listening to this show is like sitting in a hot tub, sipping wine and crooning along with a Barry Manilow song.
And if you’re a returning listener, thank you very much. We will never take you for granted. Ever. You’re our favorite listener, after all. And we’re gonna act like it.
Good show – let’s get going on it.
THE SMILE SYNDICATE CHART
It’s time to turn to the most competitive music chart in the business. Songs don’t measure themselves against each other with sales or plays or the fleeting enthusiasms of teenybopping kids –no. Blood and steel are the only currency on this chart. Competitors face each other in the Ring of Death, completely at peace with the idea that only one of them is leaving on their feet, intact. The crowd bays for blood, the competitors fall upon each other, and only a few of us look up to the sky weeping, wishing that there was a better way.
Week after week, the chart shocks us and I’m sure this week will be no different. I see the two competitors approaching the center of the combatotorium. They salute each other. The returning competitor is bearded, of few words and of foul odor. The masked newcomer is a younger, hungrier and quick as a cobra.
They circle each other. The lumbering bearded competitor strikes with a fist, easily dodged. THe newcomer leaps in the air, oh – and a double fist blast right on the top of the head of the current champion. And he’s out cold. The crowd’s going wild. The triumphant challenger stands, bathing in the glow of victory. Oh, it looks like they’re pulling off their mask. It’s a WOMAN?! Coming in at number 3 with a bullet, this is the Smile Syndicate with SHE SAID HI WHEN I SAID BYE. Hit it, kids!
CHART – She Said Hi When I Said Bye
LAST WEEK’S SHOW AND THIS WEEK’S RUNDOWN
Horoscope – I’m getting feedback. Some guy said something that I think we need to put on an ad: “The most mind-bogglingly accurate horoscope ever created.” The data I’ve collected backs up this claim – people who have been following the horoscope see their life-satisfaction ratings go up 22%, their happiness quotient go up 31% and their giddiness/enthusiasm product go up 17%.
Smileton News. Debuted the new news theme. I listened back. Miss Elizabeth sounds like John Daly or Walter Kronkite reporting that a mighty Saturn V has launched, carrying with it a determined crew of astronauts on their way to Venus. The other local news teams can’t be happy we’re doing this. But having competition from us sure isn’t making them better. The Channel 2 News did the first 20 minutes of their newscast last night with the lens cap on.
QUICK TERRANCE Z THING
He reached out. He’s appreciated the support. He wants me to visit him in jail. I think this definitely has to happen. Maybe I’ll try busting him out. Firing a pellet gun and trying to crash your pirate ship-shaped hot air balloon into other hot air balloons shouldn’t be a crime. Not in any town I want to live in.
MISS ELIZABETH / BIRD UPDATE
I asked Bird and he’s agreed to be the traffic reporter on our next Smileton news cast. He wants a properly sized headset, a nice perch in the helicopter, and a leather bomber jacket.
We’ve got a great show for you today. We’re going to spin the cursed, demon-haunted Round Wheel of Mystery and do what it commands. Usually it’s play a Smile Syndicate song, but you can never be sure what this thing is going to do.
And in the Marquee Song Slot at the end of the show, the most coveted spot in all of podcasting, we’re going to hear NEW YEAR’S SKEEVE. Haven’t heard that in a while.
Later in the show, we’re going to do our civic duty and read some of the latest postings to the SMILETON COMMUNITY MESSAGE BOARD. People can sell things, buy things, make their point of view heard, complain about something – it’s like a spyglass pointed at the seething Id of this seemingly carefree and happy town. Sometimes dark undercurrents become overcurrents – but we don’t filter. If it’s on the board, it might get read out here.
But first, long-time listeners of this show know all about my life coach Jerry. SUMMARY.
WRESTLING PREP STORY
Upcoming wrestling match – Jason and Jerry vs. Willie Nelson and K’Vinnn. Going to happen Friday, September 13. Location secret, probably the haunted cannery.
We’re not prepared. K’Vinnn probably isn’t either. Willie has seen every WWF/WWE match since the beginning of time. Not sure what to expect
We’ll be great on the mic, but it’s the in-ring performance that has us worried. We need to get some training. Get some of the basics down before we go in there and tear the roof of the place.
We hit the yellow pages – find an add “Build Your Skills With Kayla The Wrestling Coach”. Jerry likes. “No experience necessary” – okay, let’s go.
We go down there in KHAR. Self-aware – Jerry doesn’t watch the road. He’s telling me all about this tape-trading group he’s involved in. He’s got some primo Talking Head shows from 1981 that he thinks he’ll get a lot for. KHAR was told to take the shortest route, so we’re driving on the sidewalk, down the wrong way of a one-way street. Drove through a bakery. We got there pretty quick, but there was a lot of wreckage.
It’s at the University, in the gym. Kayla’s there to meet us. Jerry is disappointed. She’s not dressed up at all. Loose clothes, looks like she’s just ready to workout.
“Hey, guys. Looking to learn some wrestling basics?” Jerry: “We’re kind of in a jam – we basically need you to turn us into Ravishing Rick Rudes over the next hour or so.”
Kayla: “not sure about that stuff. I can show you some basic holds and show you how to think about a match.”
Jerry – “sure sure. But let’s make sure we get to the piledrivers, sleepers and heart punches.” Jerry saw this Japanese wrestler hypnotize his opponent into throwing himself over the top rope and wants to learn that too. “Basically, we’re looking to be professionals, not amateurs.”
Kayla – maybe I’m not the right trainer for you. But Jerry likes her and says, “nah, nah, you’ll do fine.”
K – wants to walk us through some basic holds. Jerry wants to start. He starts cutting a promo on her – “My dear, I’m going to send you back to the wrestling bush leagues where you belong. You’re a sham, that belt you have should be mine, I’m gonna take you OUT.”
Kayla goes on to the mat and signals “bring it”. Jerry scuttles over there. He gets down on his knees, wraps his arms around her waist and tries to turn her over to pin her. She’s not moving. He’s really pulling, harder and harder. Suddenly there’s this cloud of powder in the air. Kayla starts sneezing. Jerry jumps up. “Sorry about that! But see? You’re incapacitated!” Throwing sneezing powder in our opponents’ faces is a big part of Jerry’s plan for the match. “I could have rolled you up one two three!” Being wily makes a big difference in the wrestling game.
Kayla goes over, splashes water on her face. She walks back over to us looking really determined. Jerry: “ready to try ag-” K moves like a cat. She does a cartwheel right into Jerry. He collapses. She leaps over him and next thing I know, Jerry is flat on his stomach, she’s got his leg and he’s screaming. YOU’RE GONNA BREAK MY SHIN! She doesn’t say anything. Just keeps the pressure on. Then he threw up.
As Jerry was cleaning himself up, I ask “we’re gonna be doing a pro wrestling match with a criminal kingpin. Any advice?” Kayla: “Foreign objects”.
I just started into space, nodding knowlingly.
THE ROUND WHEEL OF MYSTERY
Smile Syndicate HQ has a problem – a wheel, spawned by the devil a trillion years ago, has appeared here and we’re compelled to spin it every week. Usually it’s command is to play a Smile Syndicate song, but sometimes it has other instructions. I tried to just pull it outside and get it taken away since this week, they were taking large items during the garbage pick up. But when I touched it, I must have passed out. Then I realized those cultists are outside and they’d never let me throw the wheel away. Plus, I’ve been getting them to do odd jobs – trimming the hedge, painting the fence, mudjacking the driveway.
JUKEBOX – Too Legit To Quit
PAID ADVERTISEMENT – MISS ELIZABETH
This week’s episode of The Smile Syndicate Music Hour is brought to you by Ken Barbarella – Charted Accountant. When you need your numbers added up and totaled at the bottom, my friend, it’s what I love to do and it’s what I’ve been doing for as long as I can remember. It doesn’t take me long to do my books so I like to use my spare time to help other people.
I remember the days when we weren’t all staring at our phones or our watches or our calculators. Accounting was just about you, that pencil, that eraser, that book with the lines that you put numbers in. It was more pure then. I tell you what, if you’re one of these “to the penny” type of people, you’d best go find someone else. I’m not your man. But if you want an accountant that cares, loves a good laugh, and always wants to hear a good knock-knock joke, then let’s talk turkey.
You won’t find fancy diplomas or degrees or certificates stating any credentials of any sort at my office. When you walk into my office, you soon find out it’s all about you. How are you feeling today? Did my poster of a puppy barking and a kitten covering its ears make you smile? Did the easy listening music playing on the AM radio put you at ease? Did you leave feeling more relaxed, calm and centered than you were when you came in? If so, I can put my feet up by the fire at the end of a long day and say to myself, “not bad, Ken Barbarella. Not bad at all.”
When you add it up and account for some rounding issues, there’s only one choice for all your accounting needs. Ken Barbarella – Charted Account.
THE SMILETON COMMUNITY MESSAGE BOARD
Other podcasts claim to be community-minded, but The Smile Syndicate Music Hour is the only one to put its money where its mouth is. We walk the walk and talk the talk and rock the walk rock. The fair town of Smileton is rich in incident and character so it’s only fitting that we make some time available to the good people here for them to offer, to complain, to opine, to connect.
We are now proud to present THE SMILETON COMMUNITY MESSAGE BOARD.
This messageboard is not just limited to Smileton residents: if you need a soapbox to stand on, a place to hawk your wares, a means to close a missed connection, then send in your words to firstname.lastname@example.org and we’ll read it out here. Probably.
I am a political prisoner. I took action against the Balloon Blight and am now being punished for doing right. The people of Smileton cannot stand idly by while a prisoner of conscience rots in the darkness. I call on you, friends: rise up. Throw off the shackles and throw off the lies of the Hot Air Balloon Mafia. Clear our skies, clear our consciences. Do what must be done. Storm the Bastille and release me. We will no longer be satisfied with crumbs dropped on us from the arrogant ballooning elite. ARISE. – TERRANCE Z, MAILBOX 1506.
This weekend, come on down to Harvester Square and watch the latest reenactment from the Spanish Civil War reenactment society. We are really into pretending we’re killing each other, and we’d really like to share this enthusiasm with you. Bring the grandparents, bring the kids, and watch us pretend to shoot at each other, clutch our chests when we’ve been pretend shot, and when we’re pretend dead, we’ll lie motionless until the battle is over. New members of the society are always welcome. Knowledge of the actual historic events is optional – just do what the guy next to you is doing. Come on down and have FUN! – STAN, MAILBOX 5497
Foggy on the details. Drifted from original mission – now they mostly reenact the first scene from Star Wars
It’s that time again. Time for the annual Titanic Telescopes Flat Earth Sidewalk Picnic. Come on down to Titanic Telescopes, Smileton’s only Flat Earth telescope store, and enjoy the celebration of Earth’s glorious flatness. And what better way to celebrate flatness than by sitting on the flat sidewalk and enjoying pancakes, steak and flat cider? Reject the Round Worlders lies and re-affirm your understanding of the wonders of the Flat Earth. Saturday, September 28 – mark the date on your Flat Calendar and take the smooth, flat road down to Titanic Telescopes. It’ll be so fun you’ll end up flat on your back. – MURPHY, MAILBOX 4440
I commute every day on the bus to a job I hate. I see you sitting there every day always doing the same thing. I can’t believe I’m writing this, but I’m asking you now to stop pickling beets on the bus. The stench is overpowering, you’re splashing juice around that creates the worst stains in the world, empty jars are always rolling around all over the place. Plus, you never offer to share any. Either stop pickling the beets or I’ll quit my job, fake an illness or injury, and go on disability. If I get caught, I’m blaming you. GOODBYE. – TANYA, MAILBOX 0503.
Attention: Smileton! I’m shooting my latest art film, Extravagances #7, and I need extras. Do you want to dress up as a skunk that has vacuum cleaner hoses for arms? What about a cardboard box that inexplicably has 3 functioning human arms attached? Do you want to sit in a giant birdcage nude and squawk like a demented myna bird? What a coincidence! I want you to, too! Come down to the Smileton Mall this Saturday, near the food court. I’ll be there signing up extras. If you want to step out of your comfort zone and into a new dimension of artistic expression, I’d love to see you. To sweeten the deal, how about one free, small black coffee? How’s that sound, movie star? – NATHAN, MAILBOX 6206.
I was out walking by the tarpits with my grandson and found a jetpack on the ground. Seems to work just fine. The grandson has flown it around a few times and hurt himself pretty bad. I’d just as soon as this thing was gone. I used to dream of having one as a boy. I used to picture myself flying right alongside Flash Gordon and Buck Rogers and helping them fight our nation’s enemies. But I’m a little too long in the tooth to go off jetsetting and as I say, the grandson took a pretty bad spill. If this jetpack is yours, come get it before the weekend. I’m playing bridge on both Saturday and Sunday and I won’t be around. GEORGE, MAILBOX 1421
You are inconsiderate and no neighbour of mine. A neon pink house may sound cute, but living next to one is a retina scorching, soul-sucking nightmare. I can see that pink glow coming through the walls of my house. While you’re safe inside that sinister eyesore, the rest of us suffer. It’s ruining everything – my plants aren’t as robust and the dog has been downright moody lately. Paint your hovel another cover or I’ll paint it for you. SALLY, MAILBOX 0107
I am the food champion. I can eat anything and I’ll eat more of it than you. Think you’ve got what it takes? Then step right up, you sparrow-bellied dilettante. I’m in Harvester Square every lunch hour, eating something big. You never know what I’ll be eating: a dozen jars of olives, five pounds of cheddar, a cooked pasta sculpture in the shape of a CPR dummy – it could literally be anything. You aren’t anything. I’m the food champion. Feels good to be the king. WINSTON THE FOOD KING, MAILBOX 6402
Until further notice, Thursday Night Death Metal Kareoke Night at the Smileton Inn will be cancelled. The cost of keeping a paramedic crew on standby to deal with the torn vocal cords and inflamed uvulas is not sustainable. If you people would drink more when you came here instead of growling like Cookie Monster in heat, it might be a different story. But as it is, this thing has got to stop. — JANE K, EVENTS COORDINATOR FOR THE SMILETON INN, MAILBOX 6650.
Missed Connection: to the sexy lady in the business suit who had lunch at my restaurant. I thought you gave me a look right after I spilled chili all over you. Maybe your yelling “you’re getting my drycleaning bill!” was your way of saying “call me?” I’m thinking you need to get in touch with me, pronto. I’m probably gonna start working out soon and I think you’re gonna wanna be around for that!- ELIJAH, MAILBOX 6410
This is a long shot, but I really need help with motion sickness. It’s affecting my career and ruining my life. I need to be in a moving vehicle without feeling like I’m drowning in a whirlpool of nausea. On the ground, in the sky, it doesn’t matter. This has got to end. I’ve tried everything. Has anyone out there had success handling this? Hypnosis? Firewalking? Exorcism? I’ll try anything at this point. — SCOTT, MAILBOX 5353.
The madness must end. The schism that has been tearing the local pinball community apart must be healed. The Flipper Friends and the Free Balls are natural allies, not enemies. I say this as one with loyalty to neither group – my love is pinball, first and foremost. Differences must be set aside, the old mistrust must be replaced with the new love. Let us begin a new age as one community united. We can change the world. We just gotta wanna. — CHRISTOPHER, MAILBOX 1905.
Twitter, Facebook, CRESTO. – like Facebook, but with a really intrusive AI. Replies to you immediately, really negative. “Yeah, right.” “As if”. “Your friends all seem to be doing a lot better than you.” Keeps you grounded.
Cup both hands behind one ear, lean in and LISTEN.
MARQUEE SONG SLOT – Shout If You Want To Get Louder (remix)
That’s it! We hope you enjoyed the show. If you did, please consider joining the Smile Squad and support this podcast on Patreon – that’s patreon.com/thesmilesyndicate. Join our just cause as we pursue the values of Funtime music, Funtime comedy, and general delightedment. Get early access, exclusive extra stuff, and membership in the most awesome club on the Internet.
Please tell a friend about this podcast and, if you could, give us a review on iTunes. Spread the word, make a difference.
So it’s bye bye from Jason.
And bye bye from me. See you next week.
And as always, remember friend, the sun is a jukebox.