November 11, 2019
Hello and welcome to the Smile Syndicate Music Hour – the home of Funtime music and comedy. By the we’re done, you won’t believe a single one of your senses.
I’m excited to hear today’s songs. Let’s go, Jason!
The grey skies are gone now that your happy face is here. You are the sunrise. Now that you have arisen, it’s time to start the show.
First time – hop on, buckle up, you’re about to have the most fun on a carnival ride you’ve ever had. We’re gonna spin you around, turn you upside down, make you drop your hotdog and lose your phone. And when we’re done, you’ll be out of breath, and you’ll still be able to pant “AGAIN!”
Long time – Well, you proved something last week. When the chips are down, you have our back. And we swear to you, before all of us assembled today, that we have yours. That was some messed up stuff that went down, and we both did what we had to do to get through it. Our pact to never speak of it again holds and so let us distract ourselves with some Funtime music and capering.
Jason, you’re not feeling well?
THE SMILE SYNDICATE CHART – Warenerd
The road to victory in the Bloodatorium is paved with smushed skulls, popped kneecaps, and partially-eaten torsos.
Miss Elizabeth needs to change this.
One big one small – hand on head of smaller. Swinging uselessly, bites hand, “there goes the head!”
Upcoming winter festival: Winter Solstice With The Mostest Festival. Throughout December.
We did the first episode of The Smile Syndicate After Dark last Thursday. 2 shows a week, this, the Main Event, will continue on Mondays as always, and the relaxed, catch our breath, post game aftermath, free form loosey goosey show will be on Thursdays.
Started not feeling well during the After Dark episode. Got worse over the weekend. Went to the doctor. They acted like it was the Andromeda Strain – hazmat suits, red flashing lights. Level 5 quarantine. I’ve got parrot fever – I’m burning up. I may sound okay, but I’ve got a temperature of about 155, the room is spinning and I’m breaking out in hives all over. And I have a pretty good idea who Patient Zero is.
Jukebox, Marquee: The Streakening
THE CULTURE VULTURE
Top 10 Movies
10. It Chapter Two – $58
This one hardly made anything. No surprise – these avant garde movies rarely do.
This is the fourth film in a series. Previously, there is:
Though Chapter Seven
Thus Chapter Twelve
Yet Chapter Six
Lots of weird imagery. Improvised, atonal music. A weird one like this sneaking into the top 10 with a $58 take tells you Hollywood has its work cut out for them. They’ve abandoned the car chase and now the chickens are coming home to roost.
9. Jexi – $109
A fun kids movie. It’s about these neighbourhood kids who race bikes. One kid, Jexi, figures out to put a fusion engine on hers. She goes into the future. Cannibal aliens have defeated earth. She comes back trying to warn people, but they just medicate her and put her in an institution. The aliens come, she breaks out, takes her bike time machine and sets it to 10 billion years from now. She comes out of the time vortex, straight into the ballooning sun, which is in its death throes. Lots of kids went to see this and got totally bummed out.
8. Hustlers – $237
This is probably about a guy who runs a men’s magazine. He wakes up in his mansion one day only to find there’s a competing magazine with the same name as his! He’s at a newsstand and he’s getting all flustered. The two magazines look identical, but one is his and the other is his double’s! He goes storming down to this new magazine’s office – they’re right next door to his. He goes up in the elevator and meets the owner and it’s him! He’s seeing double! He faints, and after he recovers, he realizes his double is a pretty good guy. So they agree to start pranking people. All of a sudden, you have a twin you didn’t know about, so you’re gonna do a lot of pranking. Lots of lighthearted funning around. But then the double gets sick and he needs a new kidney. The hero agrees to donate one of his, but when they open up the double, they see that he isn’t human. It’s some kind of alien and it’s allergic to surgical steel. It just melts on the table and the original guy just starts screaming. He bolts up out of bed. Goes in the bathroom, splashes water on his face, looks at himself in the mirror and goes “well, that was some dream.” And his reflection goes “I’LL SAY!”, reaches through the mirror, grabs the guy and gives him a big smooch. Crazy, zany music starts up and it’s TO BE CONTINUED.
7. Abominable – $953
This one really should have broken the thousand-dollar mark as it looks amazing. It’s a gritty docudrama about a bunch of trapped coal miners. It’s an unflinching tale of survival at any cost. Harrowing. You feel like you’re down there with them, facing the toughest choices you’ve ever faced. They eventually get rescued, but it seems like they left part of their souls down in that shaft.
Did I mention the miners were aliens? Yeah, they establish that right at the beginning. But the thing is, they get up to the surface and they realize it was Earth all along.
6. Downton Abbey – $1065
Abbey is nobody’s fool. She’s been taking care of herself on the tough streets of the city since she was 17. The lady runs downtown – ain’t nothin’ happenin’ without her say-so. She employs a bunch of pickpockets and she punishes one for not stealing enough. Another guy goes, “Gee, Abbey, do you have to be so tough?” And Abbey goes “Sorry, man. The streets made me that way.” And the guy just shakes his head and rubs his chin as she struts away. She rollerskates everywhere. It’s her trademark. So later, she’s rollerskating to meet up with some guy who doublecrossed her and she’s really gonna let him have it. She rollerstakes straight into this guy on the sidewalk, knocks him down and yells “get out of the way, jerk!” The guy takes his sunglasses off and says “Wow, you’ve got spirit!” My name’s Michael Gold, I’m a talent agent. Here’s my card. Next thing you know, she’s staring in a sitcom.
5. Gemini Man – $3500
Gemini Man shows up in a small town. Starts granting wishes. Some nerdy kid wishes he had x-ray vision. Granted. Runs around giggling. Turns out the wishes have a dark side and it’s time to collect. The x-ray kid can’t close his eyes. He sees through the eyelids. He howls in madness. The town slowly begins to realize these gifts come with a twisted cost. They call a town meeting where they try to figure out what to do. The Gemini Man is outside, beating on the door. “Let me in, friends! I have gifts for you. What do you wish?” He finally breaks in, he’s stalking up the asile, then the mayor suddenly calls out “I wish you never existed!” Gemini Man screams and collapses into a singularity and disappears. The town is happy. Turns out, the Gemini Man had other work to do. He’s not there to do it anymore. A rogue black hole comes by, sucks the Earth in. The people of the town scream as they’re sucked in. Spoiler. It’s a bit of a rip-off of Jexi, but it made more money. It’s a funny old world.
4. The Addams Family – $5439
The Addams Family have been a part of Pineapple Valley ever since the town was founded. Their blue blood flows through the very veins of the town. But one buried secret is unearthed and it threatens to tear the entire town apart. Young Maggie, the daughter. She’s given her heart to James Kincade, but the Addams/Kincade family feud has been raging for generations. What chance do these two young people have against decades of hate? This one started really well, but then these huge underground worms started attacking, so the Addams and Kincade families put aside their differences to save the town. So, it’s Romeo and Juliet Meets Tremors. Not surprised this got made – it’s a great idea.
3. Zombieland: Double Tap – $6512
This sequel to Zombieland really ups the ante. It’s been 5 years since the zombies started coming around. And everyone is used to them now. They’re like pests. So the people of the town just shoo them away with brooms. People are used to the new normal and they’ve gotten on with their lives. This one focuses on this young woman who is been a nurse for 4 years, but she’s having doubts. She wants to be a poet and being a nurse is too demanding a job and doesn’t leave her any time. But she can’t just quit. It would break her ailing mother’s heart. As the movie goes, the complex relationship between these two women is slowly and subtly revealed. Is the mother a villain? Does she have her own source of pain that is coloring her choices? The last hour of the movie is a single seen of the two women in a coffee shop. They run the full gamut of emotions – joy, anger, rage, sadness, boredom, acceptance. They leave the shop with nothing being resolved. The camera pans over to a zombie who’s heard the whole thing and a tear slowly trickles down his face. Have these two woman unknowingly saved the world?
2. Maleficent: Mistress of Evil – $8000
Maleficent is familiar to me – can’t place it. Sounds like a fictionalized version of Typhoid Mary. Some horrible disease comes down from space, this mistress of evil catches it, but she’s a-symptomatic so she wanders around, spreading it everywhere. She’s ruining the whole world but we’re not sure if she even knows it’s her doing it. This movie really threads the needle. Should we empathize with her? Is she wiping out the human race on purpose? What does that stupid subplot about her son creating that robot out of an old garbage can and old calculator parts have to do with anything? Go see this one if you want your brain to hurt.
1. Joker – $9950
James “Joker” Jameson – the best damn poker player I’ve ever seen. Charmed the ladies and made the fellas mad as Hades. He can read his opponent like a book. He’s spent his whole life bluffin’ his way through poker games, pullin’ in those big pots. He thinks he’s got it all figured out. Until he meets a woman who sees through this joker. He soon finds that he can’t bluff everybody and maybe he should put his whole heart on the table and learn a little bit about love? JOKER, COMING THIS SUMMER. FROM UNITED ARTISTS.
THE ROUND WHEEL OF MYSTERY
This unholy wheel of demonic torments. This thing has been tormenting humans for a trillion years and it sure seems like it’s having the time of its life hassling us. Play a song, play a song, do something weird once in a while, play a song – the commands never stop. We gotta break free of this magic one day.
Druids taking credit for Parrot Fever.
THE SMILE SYNDICATE JUKEBOX – Magic Mile
PAID ADVERTISEMENT – Sunshine Hippie Goods (Jane)
The times they are a-changin’. Everywhere, that is, except Sunshine Hippie Goods, Smileton’s premiere shop for those who want to tune on, turn on and drop out. It’s still the Age of Aquarius in my heart and in my store. My name is Jane Sunshine and I want to formally invite you, podcast listener, to make sure you visit my store the next time you’re in Smileton.
When it’s time to get back to the garden, make sure you go fully equipped with tie-dyed t-shirts, headbands, beads, and maybe a little “sweet leaf”, shall we say?
The next time you’re protesting that crazy war we’re involved in and you want to make your sign stand out, make sure you buy your poster board from me. It’ll be sourced from hemp, soak up ink like a sponge and give you that feeling of authenticity as you shout abuse at Spiro Agnew, or his modern equivalent. Don’t get it wet, though – it’ll be a pile of porridge if it gets wet.
And body paint? Yum yum! We now stock Love Garden-brand body paint and I can confirm that it is fully edible. Unlike the last brand we stocked. I would like to iterate my apologies about the body paint we used to sell. If you still have some, please throw it out. Do not get it on your skin or in your eyes.
Make love, not war, but before you do that, make your way down to Sunshine Hippie Goods. Our address is 4 Succotash St and the calendar behind the counter still says July, 1968. We’re far out and close by. See you soon for trippy vibes! Peace. Smile on your brother. Smile on your sister. We’ve got to get ourselves back to the gaaa-aaa-aaah-rden……
The local news teams in Smileton are a bunch of drunk clowns bashing at typewriters with mittens on. They don’t know what a proper newscast looks like and they are singularly unfit for the task before them. A yawning gap stretches before us. We the town of Smileton, faced with a chasm of ignorance and fear, must build a bridge to the other side, to the Future. Well, Miss Elizabeth is ready to do her part. She’s picked up her rivet gun and is ready to do her part with…
THE SMILETON NEWS….. WITH MISS ELIZABETH
Good evening, Smileton. Let’s talk about some news.
The children of Smileton, while normally fun-loving and respectful, have taken their funning to a new level and it has local officials worried. Bulgarian Mountain Dueling, brought to Smileton by this very podcast back in June of this year, involves two competitors, each mounted on a unicycle, each wearing an eyepatch, and each charging at their foe with a makeshift lance. Past listeners of this podcast will remember the thrilling duel Jason and Jorg had. It must have impressed the kids because now it’s all they do. In fact, a store dedicated to only selling unicycles, One Wheel Glory, has opened to meet the voracious demand.The Town of Smileton, for its part, has pronounced this trend a crisis, and has published a pamphlet – Bulgarian Mountain Dueling: Death Comes On One Wheel, in hopes that its stern warnings and chilling portaits of lives ruined and dreams destroyed by this form of dueling will prevent more children from falling into this dangerous and addictive past time.
Mayor Patty Pepper lays the blame squarely at the fellow across the table from me. “It’s no secret I regard Jason of The Smile Syndicate Music Hour as the prime culprit here. He has deliberately misled the town’s youth about the danger of this form of dueling and the pile of broken bodies and missed school days should tarnish his name in this town forever. How many more times must he prove he’s a bad example before we wake up? Bulgarian Mountain Dueling isn’t cool. It’s reckless, dangerous, and bad for society.”
She’s using me as a boogeymun. I’ll be a boogeymun, Mayor Pepper. I’ll haunt your dreams. The boogeymun is comin’ to getcha!
Smileton Sports Mascot GOES TO JAIL. Smileton Rockets’ mascot Hockey the Hawk ran up against Johnny Law this week and came up short. The embattled mascot has had fans blaming him for months for the team’s poor performance. This dissatisfaction climaxed this week with an anonymous letter to the editor sent to the Smileton Tribune, that read, in part: “Our power play bloody well sucks this year. Our boys can’t be inspired when they look up and see Hockey doing a half-hearted Chicken Dance. That fool bores the crowd and if we’re bored, the team’s bored. If we miss the playoffs this year, I swear to you know, Hockey’s head will be hanging from the rafters.” Hockey the Hawk, the Hockey Mascot, identified the letter’s author and accosted him at Smileton Rockets game this week. A scuffle ensued, with Hockey the Hawk using his beak to peck at the beleaguered man. Police battered the mascot into unconsciousness and hauled him off to jail. He was released the next day and was ordered to pay a $150 fine. The Smileton Rockets, by the way, lost that game 28-0.
Jason: no traffic report. The Smileton One Traffic Copter has been ground and this segment is undergoing retooling. Scott Skyman is on long term disability. Bird is not doing it again.
Local food eating champion Winston the Food King is crawling the walls this week. The North American Food Champion Association of Steel announced its pick for the location of its 2020 Championship event and it’s our fair town of Smileton. “I cannot wait to do my town proud, ” says Winston. “I’ll eat everything they put in front of me. My eyes will roll back into my head and, in my frenzy, I will eat a lot of something, thus bringing honour to my family and community. I can beat anyone here at eating. Step up and try me if you think you’re big. I’ll clean my plate and have enough room to help you with yours, you wimp. BOW TO YOUR KING, WINSTON THE FOOD KING.” Better clear some room in the trophy case, Smileton, Winston the Food King is sure to be bringing home a trophy!
The Smileton Rubber Band Ball Re-Construction project project launched this week and has already shown amazing progress. Over 100,000 rubber bands have been recovered so far – but it’s only 5% of the total. “This ball will be bigger than ever and a real Smileton landmark,” says Hank Humphries, manager of the project. Humphries is confident that work can continue, even with winter’s arrival in Smileton. “My crew and I are dedicated. This ball must grow through the winter. By spring, it will be bigger, mightier, stronger than ever. It will be even more worthy of our devout worship. Glory be unto the Ball. May it smite our enemies with its bounces that grow ever higher, yay, ever higher.”
Turning now to the world of Sports.
Let’s run down the scores for the Smileton Northside Community Street Hockey League:
The Randy Rascals defeated The Lady Pleasers 27-23
Moose Pipe Jamboree was able to overcome a third period deficit and pull even with the Cranberry Delights, ending their tightly-contested contest 2-2.
The Golden Gates Bible College have been a freight train lately and the latest team they’ve fed through the meat grinder is the Greater Smileton Teachers’ Association. The Teachers got spanked 16-0 and were themselves taught something – don’t go up against God’s chosen northside street hockey team.
It’s a sad sight, but for the past week, the skies above Smileton have been clear, with not a hot air balloon in sight. Escaped, anti-hot air ballooning lunatic, Terrance Z, has been stalking the skies in his pirate ship-shaped balloon, shooting down with a pellet gun any other balloon that tries to launch. The police balloons, that chased down and apprehended Terrance Z some weeks ago, have all been wrecked and, police tell this reporter that the replacement hot air balloons are on back-order. Local air balloonists are terrified. Alf Mays, who has been ballooning in Smileton for the past 48 years is frustrated. “It’s my greatest joy in life sailing with the breezes up there. And now a fiend has taken that away from me. The sky belongs to a marauder.” Terrance Z’s unchallenged mastery of the skies has led this maniac to demand that he now only ever be addressed as “The Sky King” from now on. Residents who tune in to their shortwave radios during the evening will hear a 3-hour broadcast, delivered live from The Sky King’s balloons. He calls this farcical broadcast “Radio Free Smileton” which makes this reporter sick. The skies are no longer free due to this despot. This shall not stand.
That’s it for this edition of the Smileton news. I’m Miss Elizabeth. Good night, outta sight.
METTALISMO – it’s basically Twitter, but it puts umlauts on all your vowels so it makes your tweets look really heavy metal. Want to do a passive aggressive subtweet at an unaware co-worker, might as well metal it up! An umlaut above an “o” or a “u” will sharpen the fangs of your taunts, complaints, or ramblings. What you post may not always be interesting, relevant or make sense, but at least it can look cool.
MARQUEE SONG SLOT – The Streakening
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So it’s bye bye from Jason.
And bye bye from me. See you this Thursday on The Smile Syndicate After Dark.
And as always, remember friend, the sun is a jukebox.