Hello and welcome to the Smile Syndicate Music Hour – the home of Funtime music. Check us out on Patreon.com/thesmilesyndicate and join the Smile Squad!
I’m excited to hear today’s songs. Let’s go, Jason!
Glad you’re listening. Whether it’s in the tub, under the covers with a flashlight, or behind the wheel of an 18-wheeler where you’re terrified because you’ve never driven one before
We always say we really appreciate you listening. So much so, that I’ve gone ahead and bought a necklace – two, actually. There’s two halves of a heart, one on each chain. When you put the pieces together it says “BEST FRIENDS”. So, here you go. We’re best friends now for keepsies. Nice, huh? You can put it on now if you want…. Well, why wait?……. You want to put it on later? Why?
Well, we’ve got a terrific show for you – BLAST FURNACE STUFF. (When she gets back, “Now, that’s some gumption.”)
Well, that was weird. Let’s get to some music. It’s time to check-in with the Smile Syndicate Chart – the most violent, competitive, animalistic chart in the music biz. Here the songs are warriors – with nothing to lose, they enter the Ring of Death light of heart and firm of fist. They will batter and stab and bite and kick and claw and totally wreck each other in a crazed battle to determine who indeed is king of the chart. We watch from the stands, reveling in the spectacle, but deep down knowing this spectacle demeans everyone involved. But when rockin’ music is at hand, introspection must wait until later. A former champ, summoned from retirement by a cryptic letter written in an unknown hand, stomps his way to the center of the ring to claim, “Where are the fighters of old I once knew? Am I to prove my worth by battling warriors no stronger than children? Very well.” And thus begins the skull crunching. Coming at number 3 with a bullet, this is the Smile Syndicate with LOVESTORM. Hit it, kids!
THE SMILE SYNDICATE CHART – Lovestorm
I heard from the sponsor of last week’s show – Park Place Spitoons. The ad is working like crazy. People have flooded the store. Because of this show, there are going to be spitoons everywhere around town. Glad we could be a force for positive change.
Show rundown: Lots more Funtime music coming up – we’ll be spinning that cursed Round Wheel of Mystery and doing what it tells us. Gods willing it’s play a Smile Syndicate song. I had my buddy at the science lab do a test on that thing to see how old it is. Guess what he said – a trillion years old. There’s more about that wheel I’ll tell you about in a bit.
And, in the Marquee Song Slot this week, a Smile Syndicate favorite, SHE SAID HI WHEN I SAID BYE. Featured on the latest Smile Syndicate album Banana Bus.
We’re not neglecting the Funtime Entertainment side of things. We’re going to crack into the Mailbag and deal with all the questions, concerns and rambling screeds our listening audience has sent in. We appreciate the feedback and we have yet to see a question we couldn’t answer with a rollicking wit and encyclopedia thoroughness. Imagine Groucho Marx with a really big brain that could think of anything. What a world if he didn’t make those movies… The world needs many things and laughter is one of them. Sure, he invented that giant computer that figured out how move Mars closer to earth, but what have we lost in the process?
But before that, against my better judgement, we present a feature that has no place here. Has no place on any right-minded, right-living podcast. It’s the Death Metal Update with Miss Elizabeth. She’s gonna give you the latest about that sinister, grim, macabre world of death metal music. Miss Elizabeth, what’s been happening on the other side of that dark, distorted mirror?
DEATH METAL UPDATE
SMILETON’S NEWEST RESIDENT
I’m very excited to report that legendary Slime Bride guitarist Count Vilifia has recently moved to Smileton and is now a proud citizen of our fair town. A reception was held at the Smileton Convention Centre to welcome the grave-robbing devilnaut and to let him know how thrilled all of Smileton is to have him here.
Over 1000 people attended the reception, which featured delicious coffee, freezies and pigs in a blanket. Count Vilifia was moved to tears by the greeting he received. “I want to thank each and every one of you. You’ve made me feel so welcome. After Miss Elizabeth retrieved my stolen guitar for me, I really started to see Smileton as a place of big hearts and big smiles. Seeing you all here today brings me joy and tells me I was right. Thank you, neighbours. Thank you, all.”
The Count then led the assembled crowd in an a capella singalong of the Slime Bride classic “Insane Maggots”. It was so sweet – we could barely get through the song we were crying so much.
I think I speak for both Jason and myself when I say to Count Vilifia, “Welcome, neighbour.”
DEATH METAL TEA
Local death metal activist, podcast host and seer Jorg Flurnstadt kicked off a weekly Death Metal Tea at the Smileton Spaghetti Buffet and Bingo Hall. According to Flurnstadt, it was a growling success. “I knew our fair town’s death metallers loved tea, but, golly, what a turnout!” L
Local erotic cake maker Joleena made delicious treats in the same of headless, limbless torsos, burgled graves and hideous human/animal hybrids. Tea leaves from all seven continents were featured – Flurnstadt estimates over 400 pots of tea were consumed over the course of the 3 hour event.
It’s fair to say that death metal culture is planting roots and shooting shoots in Smileton. Many of the attendees left the event feeling more positively inclined towards death metal, although more than a few were peeved at the strict NO DOGS policy that was aggressively enforced at the event.
VOCALIST MARRIES GHOST
Incinerated Rascal vocalist Josephus Doom broke a lot of death metal fans’ hearts last week when he finally married the ghost of hanged 17th Century witch Mary Greene. The ceremony was purportedly held in a graveyard in Salem, Massachusetts, but the crude tombstones and obvious use of fog machines cast doubt on this claim. In any event, from what this reporter could tell from the Periscope stream, both the groom and ghost bride looked resplendent.
You have never seen a cuter wedding party. A tortoise, a feral cat, and a dog dressed up as Cerberus, the guardian of Hades. The two fake heads appeared convincing to this reporter.
Best of luck to the happy couple. Don’t let the bride’s lack of corporeal form slow you down on the honeymoon! Heh heh.
RISING REALITY DEATH METAL STARS
Good luck to local death metal band The Corpse Clutchers. They’re off to Hollywood to complete in the wildly popular show SO YOU WANT TO CLIMB OUT OF THE GRAVE AND BE A FAMOUS DEATH METAL BAND. Smileton couldn’t be prouder of these talented young men. They’re off to compete against the best of the best in Hollywood and with songs like “First Cannibal On The Moon” and “Everybody’s Gone Grave Robbin'”, I like their chances. I hope that mean judge Lord Impalus goes easy on the boys.They’re trying their best!
Local death metal fans have gone around city council and have, on their own, established a sister-city relationship with Bloodinia, Transylvania. A trio of representatives from Bloodinia appeard at this week’s city council meeting at Smileton city hall, which lead to the worst uproar the town has seen all week. Police had to be called as the three Bloodinia representatives caused a ruckus, misbehaved and failed to put themselves in a good light, quite frankly. Mayor Patty Pepper fuming, spoke to the press soon after the incideent. “I want to state categorically that there is no sister-city relationship with anywhere in Transylvania. I don’t know who these people are, but they weren’t acting like dignitaries. I don’t know what their game was, but I want to be clear that Smileton has only one sister city, and that’s the fine Japanese town of Flowerville. Not only do I not recognize a relationship between Smileton and Bloodinia, I went ahead and checked an atlas and it turns out there is no such place as Bloodinia. So these three gentlemen were just wasting everyone’s time. They claimed that the arrangement had been made by Jorg Flurnstadt. I used to think highly of Jorg, but now I’m not so sure.
BEFOULED VOWS – Whose Roller Skates Are These?
CURSED ENTOMBER – Today Is Mix-Up Day!
THE RABID CRUCIFIED – Cornelius: The Duckling Who Could Fly A Plane
Which death metal vocalist and harpist has been banned from all Days Inns worldwide after trying to pay his bill with crude counterfeit currency? After a week of living the high life and racking up a bill in the hundreds of dollars, this leather-lunged screamer was caught trying to pass off phony fifties when settling his bill at a Halifax Days Inn last month. The colorblind howler didn’t notice that his fifties were the wrong color and when it was pointed out to him that 50s are red, not blue, the death metal icon picked up a gumball machine and smashed it on the front desk. But this singer of undead night songs wasn’t finished. He stormed outside, got in his station wagon and drove it straight into the outdoor pool. Even though he hit the shallow end, the water was deep enough to cause serious damage to the motor. With Days Inn slapping a ban on him, where will this “love crazed creature of desert winds” lay his “death metal-addled porcupine brain” tonight?
THE ROUND WHEEL OF MYSTERY
A few weirdos were hanging around outside Smile Syndicate HQ. Hooded, quiet chanting. I think they intend to be acolytes of the Wheel. I wheeled the thing outside to show them it was just a normal wheel – which it isn’t but I don’t weirdos hanging around. I went to spin it and I got a huge shock. That just caused an uproar. I got rid of them by turning the sprinkler on.
I’m not in the mood for nonsense so let’s put the wheel in motion and see what song it tells us to play.
THE SMILE SYNDICATE JUKEBOX – The Shape Of Jazz To Come
THE JERRY CHRONICLES
Jerry skywrigint. Willie Nelson – Third Rhombus, Canada, etc.. Followed by black bi-plane.
Meet Jerry and KHAR at an Internet Cafe. It’s called MicroCompWeb. It’s really old – machines are from the early 90s. Dial-up only. They’re running some weird variant of Unix, so all there is Telnet, Gopher, and FTP. Downloading pictures of topless ladies takes FOREVER. No social media, no file sharing, no livestreams of people talking smack to each other – it’s the internet from a better age.
Lefty and Righty crash through the wall – Jerry: I was expecting you – they’re allies. Willie isn’t happy about Jerry getting money, isn’t happy with Johnny generally. Lefty and Righty are worried about their position.
Jerry is more assertive. Writing URINE in the sky with a stolen airplane has changed him. But his judgement is still a little off – he wants to use water witches to find Johnny. He’s also talked to a guy who owns 20 blood hounds. “If they can’t find him, who can?”
Then KHAR chimes in. “I can use my sensors to locate Johnny. I’m tuning into Johnny’s last known wavelength now.” We can hear him because Jerry’s wearing a speaker around his neck. There’s also a red light, like Hal’s eye from 2001, so I think KHAR and see as well as hear us. Kinda spooky. Plus, with car talking about tuning into wavelengths, I’m starting to think he’s been hanging around Johnny too long and it’s taking the computer edge off his processors.
Suddenly, all the screens have Willie’s face. “Hello, my friend. You owe me a bunch of money. Our organization made a very generous investment in you and we have yet to see results. Johnny believed in your cockamame scheme, but I do not.” Loads of wrestling references – the guy is pretty clearly a fan. “Your stupid idea should have been chokeslammed” “I’d have put a figure four on you for suggesting such a dumb idea to my face.” “The Third Rhombus has tagged me in to clean up the mess Johnny made.”
Every second thing is a wrestling reference. He said he and Johnny kind of have a Hulk Hogan/Ultimate Warrior at WrestleMania VI kind of thing going on. So that made me understand where he was coming from.
But we’re not just gonna stand there while he cuts a 20-minute wrestling promo on us. We hop in the truck and crash through the front of the cafe. Driving. Jerry yells for us to go to the Vacant Warehouse. Lefty: “Should we go through the wall again?” K’Vinnn has only just started repairs from the last time. I suggest we just use the door. KHAR’s been following us.
We go in. K’Vinnn’s at the door like he’s expecting us. “That didn’t take you guys long…” We walk in and who’s sitting there? Willie Nelson. K’Vinnn steps behind him like he’s a henchman. “How’d you know where we were”? “KHAR has a tracker in it. I put it in when my uncle was selling you the car. I kept Lefty and Righty in the loop, but now they’re no longer useful.”
K’Vinnn claims the Money Velocity Advantage was his idea. Jerry stole it. Johnny wasted a ton of money on Jerry. “The idea can work if it’s done right. Cut these losers loose and it’ll just be you and me, Willie.”
Lefty and Righty are livid, but they’re holding each other back at the same time. Perfect equilibrium.
Where is all of Jerry’s money? Willie wants KHAR.
Jerry – no way. The idea was mine. I spent tons of money to get me in the right mindset. I was ready to make your organization a ton of money. But none of this works without Johnny. Help me find him.
Willie: “Johnny’s just fine where he is. Ah ha ha ha”
Lefty and Righty pull guns. The henchmen pull guns. Jerry pulls a gun. KHAR pulls a gun. I don’t have one so I put my hand in my jacket pocket.
Willie:” We’ve had too much bloodshed over this already.” Jerry looks down at the ground, sad about Johnny – that must be what he’s talking about. “We need to settle this like grown adults. We need to suplex our problems and piledrive our differences straight through the centre of the ring. Tag team title match. Me and K’Vinnn against Jerry and Space Case over there. Jason- “Me?!” K’Vinnn: “Quiet, Space Case.” Willie: “One match settles everything. WE win, I get KHAR, the patent for the Money Velocity Advantage, you get the hell out of town. You guys win, you get the Money Velocity Advantage, I leave you alone and K’Vinnn goes to work for you.”
KHAR’s eyes in that box around Jerry’s eyes light up. “We will meet soon, K’Vinnn. I’m going to run over you and squash you for what you did to Johnny.”
So we’re all in a tense standoff. And it lasts for a few minutes before somebody goes, “so, okay, should we meet next week. Have the match in the next few weeks sometime and go from there? Sound good to everyone?”
We all left. I wouldn’t want to be in K’Vinnn’s shoes. That car has it in for him.
At the end: Miss Elizabeth – what about that black bi-plane?
Twitter / Facebook / Jeef Na-Na: it’s the dopiest social media platform ever. But the reason it works is that the interface looks exactly like a spreadsheet. So if you’re just blasting some 11 year-old kid because they said I-Carly jumped the shark after season 3, you can do so without worrying about your boss coming by. “How are those numbers coming?” “Good, boss. Good. I’ll have them to you soon. How can you SAY Season 4 wasn’t the best? Uh, it’s only the one where Carly becomes a SPY and Sam becomes a celebrity chef and Gibby loses an eye, so… whatevs.” You have a way to express yourself and your boss is none the wiser.
Tune in the your favorite station on the cosmic radio and…. listen…
MARQUEE SONG SLOT – She Said Hi When I Said Bye
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So it’s bye bye from Jason.
And bye bye from me. See you next week.
And as always, remember friend, the sun is a jukebox.
Oh, come on…..