Hello and welcome to the Smile Syndicate Music Hour – the home of Funtime music. Check us out on Patreon.com/thesmilesyndicate and join the Smile Squad!
I’m excited to hear today’s songs. Let’s go, Jason!
HELLO
Thanks, Miss Elizabeth. And hello, friend. I’ll bet you didn’t know subscribing to this podcast meant you’d be getting a front row seat on a whirlwind tour of the world’s best summertime funtime hotspots. But you have, my friend, you have. Summer Commotion is full swing now. We’ve arrived at our second Summer Commotion destination. And as you might have guessed, we’ve taken a short trip to Hawaii – land of volcanoes, friendly people, and the occasional kangaroo!
If you’re a new listener, thanks very much for checking us out. We’ll work very hard to keep you entertained with the Smile Syndicate’s patented Funtime Music and Entertainment. And if you’re a returning friend, welcome back – it’s always good to see you. Experienced listeners to the show have a lot to offer some of our newer listeners. We’d appreciate it if you could buddy up with a newer listener. Kind of be a mentor. Show the newbie the ropes. Let them know how the show works, who to go to with questions, what time quittin’ time is – stuff like that. You new listeners will find there is no other podcast better at onboarding new listeners than us. So, if you’re a wily vet or a green newb, you’re gonna love today’s show.
We’re in beach mode. That’s the mode where crazy ideas occur to you and when you act on them, everyone else turns a blind eye. So let’s go crazy, let’s get nuts, let’s do a song right now.
LIVE – So Far, No Good 2000
Summer Commotion 2019 is turning out to be the best Summer Commotion yet. A couple of episodes ago, we were in Jamaica, having the time of our lives. We introduced a new Funtime segment and all the music was just me singing and plucking on a guitar, right there on the beach! We spent last week travelling here by air, boat and catamaran, and we had a blast doing the show while en route. But we’re here in Hawaii now and that means more live songs sung on the beach, and a brand new segment.
Today, we’ll be proudly premiering What’s New Record Review, my roundup of the latest releases in the realm of recorded popular music. I’ll be giving you in-depth coverage of all the latest audio and video releases from today’s favorite artists and you’ll find out exactly where to spend your entertainment dollars.
We’re also going to do a little bit of dipping into the Smile Syndicate Mailbag. It keeps filling, we’re running behind, so we’re going to have to get serious about clearing out that backlog. Lots of important new questions keep coming in and we’ll just have to keep working at this ever growing pile of demands for our time and brainspace.
Before I get to a quick story about how Hawaii’s going so far, let’s turn our patented noise cancelling system and get rid of those annoying background noises.
QUICK HAWAII STORY
We’re really happy to be here in Hawaii. We got a warm welcome, but I have to say it wasn’t as warm as the one we got in Jamaica. In fact, there has apparently been a significant opposition to our coming here.
I know what you’re thinking, who could possibly object to a happy-go-lucky, good time, family fun, good time, happy town podcast like this? Well, someone apparently contacted the Honolulu City Podcaster Alliance and told them a bunch of things that made them begin a campaign to keep this show out of Hawaii.
Our Hawaiian friends were apparently told that the latest Smile Syndicate album is called “Hawaii Stinks”. We were going to have a rhyming game that made fun of Hawaiians. We were going to do songs called “Oh, Sea, Reclaim Hawaii” and “Worst Islands In the World (Hawaii)”.
So, we’ve been the victims of a hoax. Someone is trying to sully our visit, someone is trying to keep us from meeting friends we haven’t met yet. I have my suspicions. But for now, I had to set things right.
Miss Elizabeth is very busy with her other podcasts. Lots of calls, recording remotely. I’m pretty sure I heard her speaking Italian at one point. I have no idea what she’s doing.
So I have to go clear our name and ensure we can have a good time and record a good episode here in Hawaii. So I went down to the HCPA office, ready to talk sense into them.
I got there just in time – they were in the middle of a meeting and trying to decide whether to protest our episode taping here on the beach.
I walk in and the place falls silent. Some guy goes “fancy you showing up here. Have you come to hurl more mud at us?”
Before I say anything, I realize, I’m about to defend the show against some silly charge in front of something called a podcaster alliance. Who are these clowns? They can’t bully The Smile Syndicate Music Hour into silence.
So I go “yeah, pretty much. I came down here to make sure each of you got a real mouthful of mud. I’m gonna run down you, your crummy town, this whole crummy island. And you’re gonna sit there and like it.”
So, they brighten up at this. Turns out, they’re sick of tourists and are trying to do that Venice thing where they run a campaign to try to get the tourists to stay away. They’re conspiring against their own town! They’re not gonna hurt their town and they’re not gonna sully Summer Commotion – that’s for damn sure!
So, there’s no way I’m going along with these weirdos. I do a 180 and say “actually, I’m with the Honolulu Chamber of Commerce. And you just baked your own pies. SWARM! SWARM! SWARM!” I’m yelling into a walkie talkie. The door gets kicked in, Chamber of Commerce troops fill the room. The Podcaster Alliance is finally brought down. I just go “take ’em to the big house, boys.” The podcaster alliance got led off in cuffs, heads hung in shame. I gave the Chamber just the evidence they need to conduct a tribunal. These anti-tourism creeps are gonna get their just desserts, probably involving being thrown into a volcano. I’m just glad to have been able to help.
I’m sorry I kept you in the dark about this. When the Honolulu Chamber of Commerce heard we were coming, they enlisted me. They were the ones who tipped off the Podcaster Alliance about me. It’s pretty exciting to be involved in this kind of thing. Usually when I yell “SWARM! SWARM!” Into a walkie-talkie, nothing happens. But not this time!
Let’s move on to something else that’s exciting –
LIVE – Dinosaur God 2000
Summer Commotion 2019 continues right here on the Smile Syndicate Music Hour. Our time in Hawaii has been great. We may just have to come back here next year.
Miss Elizabeth’s friend Tiffany has tagged along with us to Hawaii. She was with us in Jamaica too – she and Miss Elizabeth had a ball. They tore the town up while I stayed in my room. My friends from the food court, the Food Court Regulars, came to Jamaica as well, but as soon as they landed , they took off. So thanks, guys. They’re not here in Hawaii with us as I understand they ran afoul of the Jamaican authorities. Patricia texted me pleading for help, but I just told her things would be fine and I’d meet them all back at the food court once Summer Commotion was over.
We really need to thank the sponsor of today’s show. They footed the whole bill for getting the show here to Hawaii. They complained, long and loud. But they were forced to live up to their end of the bargain, so the least we can do is give them proper recognition for the massive contribution they’ve made to the show.
PAID ADVERTISEMENT – RICKI’S WATER BEDS.
Today’s episode of the Smile Syndicate Music Hour is brought to you by Ricki’s Water Beds.
1974 -The year everything changed. Smileton learned what it meant to glide on an ocean of fantasy for the first time. Ricki’s Water Beds opened its doors and hearts to this town and this one night stand of ours has been going ever since.
Come on down to Ricki’s Water Beds and let us bust some water bed myths. No, they’re not bad for your back. No, they don’t leak. No, it’s not like having a small lake of stagnant water held in basically a ziplock baggie hanging over your heads like a bacteria-filled sword of Damocles. No, having a water bed does not mean you can’t have kids, dogs, cats, or anything sharp in the house. No, having a water bed doesn’t make you a laughing stock.
Resist the new Puritanism that would have you sleep on boxes of wood with metal stabbing you in the back. When you sleep in such a bed, you worship at the alter of oppression and repression. Free yourself. Slip the shackles and slither nude into one of our water beds! Dionysus commands it!
If this ain’t movin’ the needle, think about this. We’ve got hundreds of mint water beds, still in the box. The newest one was made in 1982. These are modern classics. And I’m letting them go for a song.
Get on down here. Pair up with another of our fine customers and do what comes natural. I guarantee you won’t be leaving empty handed. I’ll even pack up your new bed and deliver it for free in my custom painted boogie van.
That’s Ricki’s Water Beds. You can’t miss us – we’re the place with the huge water bed on the roof that got hit by lightning a few years ago and looks pretty messed up now. Buy one of our beds. Sleep like it’s 1978 all over again.
MAILBAG
Subject: Smile Syndicate Carousel
Hey, Jason and Miss Elizabeth!
I discovered your podcast a few months ago, and I’ve become a big fan. A few days ago, I took my kids to the amusement center at the Smileton Mall. I bought tickets for the merry-go-round ($5 a child, what a rip-off!) and while we were waiting in line, I noticed that the calliope was playing a familiar melody. It took me a few moments to recognize it was “She said hi when I said bye”. Right after that, it played “Turns out it was a hoax” followed by “Zip It”. I was so caught up in the Smile Syndicate groove, that I didn’t even notice that my kids had finished their ride. I am still upset about the expensive ticket price, but it’s nice to know that the Smile Syndicate is getting some royalties.
Lisa Pardo, Smileton
Thanks, for writing in, Lisa. I see you claim you’re from Smileton, but I’ve never heard of you. I make it my business to know every single person in this town. But you do know about the merry-go-round, so maybe you do live here.
I did NOT know about the Smile Syndicate songs being used. Thanks for the heads up. I’m taking the appropriate measures to ensure that place is shut down. No more unlicensed music, no more fun rides for the kids. Party’s over.
Those merry-go-round creeps aren’t the only ones doing this. I told you before about that horrible show Millennial Doctors using Smile Syndicate music without permission. After I complained about it on this show, they seem to take a perverse delight tweaking me. Last week had an episode where this guy had swallowed his MP3 player. They cut into him and you can hear it playing and the song is “Banana Bus” and one of those punk millennial doctors goes “no wonder he had an upset stomach!” They have a good laugh then there’s a freeze frame as the theme comes on – “the days and the nights of millennial doctors – savin’ a life, oh, millennial doctors”
I should cover that crummy song and show them what’s up.
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Subject: Help Me!
I have a term paper due in my social studies class. Can you talk more about social studies please?
Stephen Sayer, 14
Thanks for writing in, Stephen. I see you’ve dialed in on this podcast as being a source for knowledge, and that’s great. We’re here to edutain. But, I kind of wish you’d listen to some past episodes. We pretty much spent the entire episode a few weeks back talking about Social Studies. It was a good one. During the map coloring segment, Jason mislabeled which of the Great Lakes was Lake Erie and Miss Elizabeth made fun of him for 10 minutes. Then we started talking about how laws are made in Canada and we learned that we don’t really have laws because the Queen just tell us what to do and we just write down what she says and those are the laws. Then we were going to talk about the history of the Cree people in Canada and Miss Elizabeth just goes “oh, what would you like to talk about?” – in Cree. So yeah, she’s also on an indigenous languages podcast, too, along with the other 57 she does. Then we went back to map coloring and I mixed up Manitoba and the Yukon which I heard no end of. So yeah, that’s enough social studies. I had enough when I was in school. There’ll be no more on this podcast. Stephen, hit the books, write your paper. Leave me alone.
——
This is an email from Tearin’ Tony Fergus –
To Whom It May Concern,
You’ve all seen me. I’m out on the street every day, tearing phone books in half with my bare hands. I’ve been doing this for years. I’m a fixture of this town. People set their clocks by me tearing the Yellow Pages in half and my primal scream when I do it is like Big Ben to the fine people here. But city hall has started ticketing me for loitering. I’ve never loitered in my life. Tearing phone books in half is a craft, a passion, a mission. When those busybodies just give me a ticket, I tear it in half as though it were a phone book. I am reaching out to all Smileton podcasts. I call on you to preserve a cherished resident of our town. Rise up. Form a human shield around me. I must continue to tear those books up. The town demands it. No phone book is safe. I must
= = = =
He must have accidentally hit send. But I get where he’s coming from. Everyone here loves Tearin’ Tony. People love walking by him when he’s downtown on his corner, stack of phonebooks at his side. His high-pitched screams and the sounds of tearing phonebooks are part of the fabric of downtown life. He’s friendly, but locals know to keep their distance. It’s pretty funny to see someone visiting on business get too close. Tony just grabs their briefcase or satchel or purse and tears it in half. Man, it’s great. He’s a local legend. He even sells t-shirts – well, half a t-shirt. It’s been ripped in half, you see!
He used to have a call-in show years ago. It was great. He’d be sitting there calmly, then the callers would try to get him riled up. He hates the Leafs and loves Tom Cruise so people would call in and say the Leafs were gonna win the cup this year or they’d start insulting Tom Cruise and you’d just see Tony tense up. You knew the volcano was gonna blow. Finally he’d scream, leap up and tear a phone book in half, then the show would end. Sometimes the show would be hours long, sometimes only a few minutes. They don’t have TV like that anymore.
So we all have fun with Tearin’ Tony tearing things up. So of course our inept, corrupt mayor Patty Pepper has to step in and try to put a stop to it. Keep tearing up those tickets, Tony. Don’t let Her Honour get you down. There’s no law that says you can’t hang out in front of shops being a nuisance.
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Dear Smile Syndicate,
My name is Sandy and I’d like to apply for an intern position at your podcast. I have strong organizational skills, I’m a quick learner and a self-starter. I am nearly completing my post-secondary education and would love to have experience on the Smile Syndicate podcast to help me get a job in today’s competitive job market. I love Miss Elizabeth, love the show.
Hope to hear from you soon,
Sandy.somethingsomething@gmail.com
I don’t think she’s a good fit. Look at all the shots she’s taking at me. “Quick learner” – I’m a quick learner so spare me all your long-winded explanations. “I love Miss Elizabeth, love the show” – anything missing from this laundry list of things she loves?
Anyway, we haven’t had good experiences with interns in the past. We got some to paint a fence one time and it degenerated into a paint fight – and these were retirees who should have known better. Another time, I told this kid to fix my car and he’s all “I don’t know anything about cars” so I just said “you’re a student aren’t you? Crack a book, egghead.”
So, Sandy, if you can fix cars, we might consider it. Otherwise, clean up your act.
———————————————
Dear Miss Elizabeth
Thank you very much for the sound judgement you displayed during the recent Roundtable and Duel results segments you had on your show.
I’m looking forward to being on your show and have come up with a surefire winner of a segment! I hereby challenge Jacob to a Death Metal Quiz. It will be just like the game shows of old. I’m going to dress in my 50s vintage suit and put Brylcream in my hair. Miss Elizabeth can draw up the questions and serve as quiz master. This will be a great opportunity to increase the death metal content of your show. It will also let me show the world what a blockhead Jacob is when I soundly beat him during this contest.
Please let me know when you’d like me to appear on your show. If Jacob complains, remind him that if he says no to this, he is a chicken. And that’s just fine because I eat chicken for dinner.
Yours in death metal,
Jorg Johannes Flurnstadt
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PLUGS
Music streaming platforms – Spotify (you’ll find us both under Artist and Podcast), Apple Music, Google Play, and the rest.
Thesmilesyndicate.com
Twitter @smilesyndicate
Facebook
Kreffza – this one will be fantastic. It hasn’t launched yet, and there’s an under construction page that’s been there for 8 or 9 years. I think this means they’re cooking up something fantastic. You can sign up and they’ll let you know when they launch. After I signed up, I noticed a flood of junk mail hitting my inbox – like about 3 terabytes a day. But that’s just a cooindidence. I trust Kreffza and I heartily endorse their platform, whatever it turns out to be.
Patreon – join the Smile Squad
MARQUEE SONG SLOT
LIVE – (Maniac) From (Beyond Time)
BYE BYE
That’s it! We hope you enjoyed the show. If you did, please consider joining the Smile Squad and support this podcast on Patreon. Join our just cause as we pursue the values of Funtime music, Funtime comedy, and general delightedment.
Go to Patreon.com/thesmilesyndicate and select the level of membership that feels most comfortable to you. Patrons of The Smile Syndicate get early access, exclusive extra stuff, and membership in the most awesome club on the Internet.
Please tell a friend about this podcast and, if you could, give us a review on iTunes. These small gestures could change the world.
So it’s bye bye from Jason.
And bye bye from me. See you next week.
And as always, remember friend, the sun is a jukebox.
