November 25, 2019
Hello and welcome to the Smile Syndicate Music Hour – the home of Funtime music and comedy. By the we’re done, you won’t believe a single one of your senses.
I’m excited to hear today’s songs. Let’s go, Jason!
HELLO
Not all heroes wear capes. But you do. Your glorious, flowing golden robe is the talk of the town and I can see why.
First time – welcome, your taking a gamble on us will pay off in more ways than you can expect. Not only will you come away from this hour feeling more relaxed, happy and entertained, a thorny problem that has been tormenting you for the last few years will suddenly resolve itself. Can’t say much more than that – I’m pretty sure you’ll be back with us next week once you see how much this show does for you.
Long time – alright, I’ll suggest it, but I don’t think she’s going to go for it. Miss Elizabeth, our long time listener friend and I were chatting and they were really gung-ho about the idea of there being an officlal show cheer. Something we and the audience could chant to really get the energy up. Something “peanuts, popcorn, sis boom bah! Music Hour, Music Hour, rah rah rah!” What do you think.
Time for the most blood-drenched, guts-soaked, gore spattered music chart in the business. These competitors are soulless, dream-crushing machines, hatched from the mutant eggs of a pan-dimensional she-beast of infinite malevolence. More than one holy man has described the Bloodatorium as “a most foul place, where the savage brutality of the battles bestains the souls of man and beast alike”. What better way to figure out which song you should stream on your phone than by watching these titans of terror, these gladiators of gore smush and crunch and batter their way to glory, to renown, to one spot higher up on the chart.
This week, – I recognize this competitor. Very arrogant. His record speaks for itself, but he should be more respectful. He’s pretending to applaud as his opponent comes out. I don’t recognize him, but the opponent he looks like a young scrapper for sure. Clad in red armour with a red light that circles round and round on his helmet like an old-school Cylon on a bender.
The arrogant competitor is clad only in leather bikeshorts and a muscle shirt – he is so sure his opponent can’t touch him that he has eschewed armour entirely. Red Armour merely looks on as the arrogant Bikeshorts shows no respect at all – he’s acting like he’s very impressed with the armour. Oh, now he’s turned his back to his competitor, putting his arm behind his back as though to put himself at a disadvantage.
Oh, Red Armour has lept forward and yanked that arm right out of the socket. He throws it into the crowd. Oh, little kids are scrambling to get it – how cute. The arrogant Bikeshorts is unphased! He wags a finger at Red Armour warning him not to do it again. Red Armour grabs his leg and out it comes! The crowd is going crazy.
Ah. Now it’s Red Armour’s turn for arrogance. He’s playing that severed leg like it’s a guitar! And he’s doing the Chuck Berry duck walk. Ah ha ha ha- truly hilarious. It’s this kind of joie de vive that makes the Bloodatorium what it is.
Red Armour casually walks up to the still spritied arrogant Bikeshorts and with a swift swing of that severed leg, smushes his competitor’s skull. It’s night night time and its going to be a busy night for the Bloodatorium’s surgical team as they’ll have to sew those limbs back on.
A star is born tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Red Armour is your champion. Coming in at number 3 with a bullet, this is the Smile Syndicate with ELECTRIC WIGGLE. Hit it, kids!
CHART – Electric Wiggle
WINTER SOLSTICE WITH THE MOSTEST FESTIVAL 2019 – hype
Told you last week, a new Smile Syndicate EP will be dropping soon – Winterfunderland. You’ll be able to explore it on all your favorite digital music providers, downloads available for Smile Squad members. Plus, we’ll be playing a song from that EP for each of the 5 episodes in December.
December features prominently in the Smileton calendar – a major town event is going to be happening and we’ll tell you all about it during the Winter Solstice With The Mostest Festival 2019.
SHOW RUNDOWN
Last week’s shows.
More great music coming with the Smile Syndicate Jukebox and Marque Song Slot.
Later in the show, we’ll dip into the mail bag.
But first,
JASON’S LIFE HACKS
Surviving Winter Life Hacks
I’ve made it through my share of winters. You have to be crafty and cagey if you’re gonna survive the 7 or 8 months of winter you’re facing.
Learn to knit. You can knit everything you need.
Was knitting on the bus
Punk kids came up to me, “Hey, Grandma, can you knit me some mitties?”
Bear spray to the face – knitted his coat to the bus seat. He was trapped. His confederates backed off. I was like a serpent ready to strike with those knitting needles.
You can look up how to do it on YouTube – I learned from watching this guy who was missing a bunch of fingers. Lost them fooling around with pipe bombs. Anyway, he’s a wizard. He’s looking at the camera, welcoming you to his Introductory Knitting video.
Meanwhile his hands are a blur – he talks for about a minute. Then he holds up what he was knitting – it’s a huge scarf with the cast of Cheers standing in front of the bar and a big word bubble saying “Knitting Is FUN” above their heads. I was gobsmacked when I saw that.
Wear big boots – ones that completely cover your haunches. Just huge boots. The bigger the better. It’ll be like Tahiti below your waist if you have the right boots. It’ll be that warm. You may be walking a little stiff legged, but you’ll have a huge grin on your face so you won’t put people off too much. People will be saying “that’s the happiest winter Frankenstein-walkin’ guy I’ve ever seen.” Pride can keep you warm, too.
Eat snow. If you see a fresh snowbank, just get to work. As much as you can push down. There’s water and other nutrients in there. I can’t emphasize this enough. I want to see you eating snow 50% of the time you’re awake. Canadians seem to understand this fully, but other places with snow not as much. I went skiing in Switzerland one time and I could easily pickout the Canadians – they were like ostriches.
Wear hockey equipment all the time. You’re gonna fall, for sure. Might as well have armour on so you barely feel it. Again, for our Canadian listeners, I don’t need to tell you this. Also, you might as well have a stick with you – you never know.
Go out of town and experience the Northern Lights. Be careful – you don’t want to get zapped. It makes lightning look like a shock you get from the finger of a rude classmate. Also, if you’re quiet, you can hear them move. It sounds like steel on steel scraping. Like a horror movie. It’s harrowing – but you’ll feel more alive at the end of it.
Cuddle as much as you can. Strangers on the bus, coworkers, those smartass skateboarders in the food court. We have to get over our inhibitions, our mistrust, and just get up and personal with everybody. You can’t let that body heat just float away. Your face 2 inches from theirs – “how ya doin’, doin’ alright?”
Be a heat vampire. People get used to you being in their zone if you say “thank you, thank you” enough.
Druids really got into playing Red Rover, Red Rover outside Smile Syndicate HQ that they’ve moved on to other sports. Last time I went out there, looked like they were setting up for flag football. It’s morphing from a weird, druidic cult, into a casual sports meetup kind of thing. But they’re still chanting, so who knows what they’re up to?
JUKEBOX – Infinity Machine
PAID ADVERTISEMENT
This episode of The Smile Syndicate is proudly brought to you by EYECLOPS, Smileton’s choice for sophisticated eyewear at outrageous prices. I am so glad my dad suggested I get into this business because woo-wee you wouldn’t BELIEVE the margins. Those frames you pay a thousand bucks for? I get them for $10.50. And those special, laser-cut lenses? Don’t make me larf – 25 cents a piece.
But would you put a price on your eyes? I wouldn’t! And I certainly wouldn’t insult you by suggesting that your precious gift of sight is worth anything less than a gobsmacking, indecent margin through which I literally make out like a bandit of old.
I hear you saying, sure you’ve got high prices, but I can get those anywhere! Why should I come to you?
Well, two reasons: one, you won’t find a better selection of outrageous frames. Every crazy color and shape you can imagine. With a pair of our specs sitting on your face, you will blossom like a butterfly who was for too long stuck in the form of some gross beetle.
And second? You don’t need a prescription. I’ll be honest – it’s all a scam. All lenses come one of three types: weak, medium and strong. I’ll let you try all three and you pick the one that works best for you. Let’s not go through the charade of the “eye doctor” blowing air in your face and shining a pocket flashlight at you.
Spend money, look cool, save time – win, win, win and win.
And, heh, heh, no – we don’t carry monocles. We’re called Eyeclops because we’re a merciless giant stomping our competition. It has nothing to do with a one-eyed beast. But if you have one eye, cool – come on down and we’ll take care of you, too.
That’s EYECLOPS – located in the heart of Smileton Mall, just beside the Food Court Washrooms. Open your eyes, come see us and see that seeing us had made you see things you hadn’t seen before. EYECLOPS!
MAILBAG
Hi, Does Jason get mani/pedis? If he doesn’t, he should. It might calm him down a little. – from Jenster5X5
I don’t, but practically every other guy in town does. I don’t know how it started, but it was a few years ago.
Guys just started flashing their hands and feet around. It became a status thing – “nice nails, loser.” “LOL – check out the lack of self-care on Bob.”
It spread like wildfire. It started being like you couldn’t be seen in public with untended nails. It got so bad that heavy duty mechanics would call in sick if they didn’t get their nails tended to in time for work. They put their hands through the wringer in that job, but now they’re facing the societal expectation that their hands look like they do touch-typing all day long. Guys who should have steel-toed boots on have cut out the toe so they can show off their feet.
So here we are – the guys have gone ape over mani pedis and the gals are hating it because they can hardly get any appointments. Either the salons are totally booked, or there just are no spots to book at all because the nail technicians are off on-call working on 12 guys nails in some mancave somewhere.
So yeah, wading into that vortex wouldn’t calm me down. Just the reverse. I’ll keep myself calmn by doing what I’ve always done: whistling and wittling.
Hi Smile Syndicate, Jason: boxers or briefs? – from Juggalo469
This is an untoward question, a little bit on the saucy side, but I will answer and the answer is yes. I wear both. Briefs take care of the detailed work while boxers give you more generalized coverage.
If you ever wondered why I walk around like Superman, this is why.
Feels like I’m wearing a bullet proof body vest.
Miss Elizabeth: so, it’s like a skort?
Gang of punk kids running around: The Kilt Boys. They think they’re so cool – pretty much every other gang of punk kids is gunning for them, so I don’t think the Kilt Boys are gonna be long for this world.
Miss Elizabeth, What do you do when you’re not podcasting? Are you into video games? Do you have a favorite? – from PixieStar1995
Miss E plays too much Warcraft. She heads this guild. There’s like a dozen different guilds here in town. She bands them together to intimidate the other guilds.
These games spill into real life. Rare items in the game exchange hands – well, that’s a polite way to say appropriated, or stolen. This game is turning her into a criminal kingpin and it’s worrisome.
I love your podcast, but you should talk about tech a little more. I love cell phones. Are you guys Apple or Android? Excited about the new Razor phone? – from Matty
Smileton phone network is antiquated. I have to carry a cord around and plug my cell phone into a phone jack in a wall somewhere if I want to make a call. There’s a phone jack every 10 feet in Smileton, so it’s not a big deal. But if I’m out of town, it can be a headache.
I would talk about tech, but I’m interested in other kinds of tech besides phones. But I don’t have my finger on the pulse of tech so I’d need some help looking into these areas:
Garbage compactors – what’s the latest? I’d love something cool where I could put a bunch of crap in it and crush it down to a Rubik’s Cube that weighs 300 pounds. Oh, man, you could do some hilarious stuff with that.
Top hats with robot arms coming out. Glasses that come down. Smoke machine to confuse your enemies. It’s like how did they pack all that stuff into that hat, which is pretty stylish, might I add.
Hover skates.
A little robot vacuum cleaner that just wanders around on its own
Long-time listener. Have you thought about changing up the theme song? My vote would be for “Car Wash” by Rose Royce. Disco lives! – from Mitchell in Mississauga.
Car wash – bikini owner. It’s called Bikini’s Car Wash – that’s her nickname because she’s wearing it all the time. She’s all business, though. The car wash business is competitive and she lives for that stuff. You can see her in there at all hours of the night, working with an adding machine, designing the latest ad for the car wash, mopping up the place.
She’s so good, that she keeps all the competition at bay. It’s the only car wash currently in Smileton. Once in while, a competitor tries to open. But she works even harder and drives them right out of business within a few weeks.
There’s room in town for more than one, that’s for sure. You’ll be in line 8 or 9 hours if you go on the weekend. I usually get up at 3AM on a Wednesday and go then – it’s only a 2 hour wait at that time.
Old-style car wash – big floopy things, flopping down on your car. And weakly wiggling – the machine that moves them is super old. Imagine cleaning your car with the filthiest dishrag you ever saw. And boy, those things scratch your car somethin’ fierce.
And that’s just the beginning – metal arms reaching out and just banging your car – the brushes that are supposed to be attached are long gone. And sometimes, the water jets actually spray paint out. I don’t know if that’s on purpose or just a crossed hose somewhere. But yeah, you may get an unexpected paint job once in a while.
But yeah, that place is usually a rough ride. Cars are comin’ out of there with a door torn off, some come out upside down. It’s a real carnival ride.
Your paint comes out noticably faded after one wash. I heard one guy got a whole punched through his door because the water spray was so powerful. I believe him – when you go through there, you’re convinced Hell is a real place and your right in the belly of it.
The dryers are so hot, it warps your frame. The glass starts drooping – looking through the windshield is like wearing someone else’s glasses – everything’s blurry.
But it does a pretty good job. And there’s no way I’m wasting a day on the weekend using a garden hose and a sponge to clean my car.
PLUGS
Skizzy Ska Ska – it’s like MySpace on steroids. You can customize your homepage with flashing logos, shifting colors, random noises, video, pictures that spin, it’s a sensory onslaught. You can generate a real whirlwind of confusing visual and auditory stimulii.
But people love it because of what happens after you get your page set up. You get your page looking just the way you want, next time you log in – it’s totally different. It looks like someone else’s page because it is! Skizzy Ska Ska rotates the pages around. You’re now looking at someone else’s page, but it belongs to you now.
It lets you step into someone else’s shoes. And as you customize their page, people see a different side of you.
I think eventually, as everybody touches everybody else’s page, it’ll all condense into a homogenous, grey lump so get on there before it happens.
MARQUEE – Lovestorm
BYE BYE
That’s it! We hope you enjoyed the show. If you did, please consider joining the Smile Squad and support this podcast on Patreon. Join the podcast-supporting elite, enjoy exclusive content and access and keep us on the Joyful Treadmill producing Funtime content week in, week out.
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So it’s bye bye from Jason.
And bye bye from me. See you on Thursday.
And as always, remember friend, the sun is a jukebox.
