Hello and welcome to the Smile Syndicate Music Hour. Get ready for some Funtime music and Funtime comedy. By the time we’re done with you, you won’t believe a single one of your senses.
Let’s go, Jason!
You’re here, just as you promised. You haven’t let us down. Now the onus is on us to deliver a tip top top notch show for you. Your time is a precious commodity and you could be spending it at another stall in this crazy marketplace of 21st century entertainment, but you chose to stop here and give us a listen.
First time – welcome. Judging from the stats there have been quite a few new listeners joining up lately. We’re onboarding so many new friends it’s hard to keep up. I used to know everyone by name, but now there are many, many smiling faces I haven’t put a name to. So please, wear a name tag while you listen to the show
Long time – good to see you again. This relationship we have is really starting to get somewhere. We’ve started finishing each other’s sentences, the silences are no longer awkward, and we had our first fight earlier this week.
We’ve got music to delight and excite – something new for the podcast: Shout (remix).
Plus we’ll spin that foul Round Wheel Of Mystery.
We’re gonna be doing the latest installment of Culture Vulture
And, I had my wrestling match this past Friday – teaming up with my life coach Jerry to take on the Sinister crime warlord Willie Nelson and his halfwitted dupe of a henchman K’Vinnn.
But before we ge to all that delightfulness, it’s time to take our weekly look at The Smile Syndicate Chart – that most barbaric, animalistic, blood frenzy of a music chart. Songs compete with each other to win the hearts and minds of listeners not with catchy tunes and hooks and lyrics, but with fist, and dagger and cudgel. The mad competitor, soaked in blood at the center of the ring of death, baying at the sky at the end of a match, surrounded by a field of severed limbs, cracked skulls, and ruined dreams is the only way to determine which song should be tops this week. Those with weak stomachs should leave and do some growing up because this is the real world and we’d better get used to it.
I see the two competitors entering the ring now. Well, they’ve obviously been enjoying their past successes in the ring, as they’re looking a little slower, a little heavier, a little more, dare I say, relaxed. They’re waving at the crowd, each confident of victory. And what’s this, they’re shaking hands in the center of the ring? Unusual – usually by this point the songs have fallen on each other like rabid caribou. Okay, well, they’ve separated. Each has brought a large, crushing hammer as their weapon of choice. Taller than they are, these weapons have smushed the noggins of many a foe.
And we’ve begun. The competitors appear to be struggling with the hammers. A few wild swings. Not much discipline on display here. One competitor swings wildly and falls, his swinging hammer throwing him off balance. The other has sunk to one knee, clearly winded. He’s giving his competitor a “just gimme a minute” sign. Oh, this is becoming appalling. Neither is in any condition to fight. Too comfortable with past success, too drunk with all the free drinks, finger sandwiches and grapes, that come with being a past champion. This is not what the ring of death is for, folks. One competitor has risen to his feet, gesturing as though he’s won. His opponent is not contesting – he’s laying on the ground, fanning himself. This is a travesty, a farce. There were no winners today, folks. Especially us.
Coming in a number 3 with a bullet, this is The Smile Syndicate with Walk The Rock Walk. Hit it, kids!
THE SMILE SYNDICATE CHART – Walk The Rock Walk
LAST WEEK’S SHOW
Played some Smile Syndicate hits, and also the Smileton Community Message Board –
Gave you an update about me and Jerry preparing for our wrestling match –> today’s show: hype the wrestling segment.
The world’s culture is vast. So much variety in so many forms. How are you as one person expected to deal with all this? Too many poems, too many movies, too many paintings, too many string quartets – how can you be cultured and convince those snobby know-nothings at the dinner party that you’re a fount of knowledge and sophistication? How can you achieve this level of knowing about culture without breaking your brain or spirit trying to comprehend it all? You can’t – you have to take the easier path. I proved in the first episode that you can in fact judge a book by its cover. The surface level conceals the depths, but it is not separate from them. They are one in the same. Let us gaze at the surface and become knowing of the limitless fathoms below.
THE CULTURE VULTURE – SCULPTURE
This is THE CULTURE VULTURE – your practical guide to the world’s vast culture. Give us 10 or 20 minutes, and you’ll transform from a chattering ignoramus into a wise, cultured sage. Name another podcast that can do that for you!
Today, we are going to explore the world of SCULPTURE.
To present yourself as an expert, you need to appear to have the whole range of the history of sculpture in your head.
They can come in any size – one guy carved a sculpture out of a single grain of rice. And they found a Mayan sculpture underground that’s like half the size of Mexico. So there’s a pretty big range.
A lot of sculptures are scratch and sniff. Most people don’t know that. Next time you’re at a museum, get your schnozz right in there.
If the sculpture is of something with eyes, just know that those eyes are gonna follow you around. It’s really creepy. Good sculptures – their whole heads seem to turn to follow you when you walk. So if you get scared by this, people around you will know you aren’t a veteran cow poke at the old sculpture rodeo.
Famous sculptors you may not have heard of:
Amelia Earhart sculpted while flying her planes which is amazing
Gandhi scuplted – mostly trees with arms and legs and huge angry faces
Marie Curie did a series of radioactive sculptures. They’re sealed in lead boxes so we don’ t know what they look like.
Often features nudes so make sure you know that.
You’re gonna see wieners- like, everywhere. On every sculpture. So get your snickering out of the way. I don’t have a problem – wieners have their place, but crimeny
You need to appear well versed across time, across continents. You won’t go far wrong talking about human/animal hybrids. Ancient sculptors were like mad scientists
Have a favourite sculpture – mine is one I did. Helen of Troy, putting the boots to some randy satyrs who were getting fresh. Based on : goofs running around Smileton – diapers and wings. Frolicking, too fresh – everyone man woman child from all backgrounds and ethnicities all came together to pound on these creeps.
Sometimes it’s just a pile of garbage or a pile of garbage on top of mannequin legs– I think that when those get hauled away it’s part of the performance. So that stuff is more conceptual, and not really true sculpture
If you do have to talk about that stuff, talk about what isn’t there. “It’s significant that the Thinker isn’t wearing a hat. Or he isn’t holding a gun or isn’t petting a rabbit.
You can’t appreciate fully without climbing all over it. You want to dance with the sculpture
Good sculptures are heavy. Make sure you’re heard asking “How much does that thing weigh?” Or “You know, I used to really like Venus de Milo, but then I found out it only weighs, like, 3 pounds.”
Brag about being able to lift – I visited the Louvre and I’m 80% sure I could lift everything there
Dressing up as a sculpture – experience the art from the artwork’s perspective. Everything’s a dialogue….
If you’re going to be a model, here’s a few tips:
I tried it. Everyone else got naked. Can I do one art class type thing without everyone taking their clothes off. Pottery class turned into a fiasco. I even tried a Home Wiring For Dummies – total nude show.
Sculptors like a challenge, so bring a bunch of bric-a-brac. Wear a a chef’s hat, stand in front of a hibachi, have a coiled garden hose and a big nest of tangled extension cords behind you
Sing or hum gently while you’re posing. Artists work better in a creative environment.
If they as you to stop humming, just go “ummm mmmmmm uhuh-mmmm….”
Feel free to comment on the ongoing work. “That doesn’t look like me.” “Make that part bigger, make that part smaller, make me look more like a badass”
THE ROUND WHEEL OF MYSTERY
A cursed trillion year-old object is haunting Smile Syndicate HQ. Spin the wheel and one of a thousand different commands is issued. They change all the time. Mostly, it’s play a Smile Syndicate song, but sometimes it’s something else – a baffling task that moves an unseen, unknowable agenda forward. We are but pawns in this Devil’s tool made by the Devil’s schemes. Yet we must obey.
I’ve decided to wait the Wheel worshippers out – not working. There’s more of them, now. 30 people are milling around in brown, hooded cloaks. Chanting. I’ve been putting them to use, but I’m running out of chores for them. Set up like a bikini carwash. They were hopeless. Everyone’s honking, angry – where are the bikinis? Who are these idiots in the cloaks. They were getting stressed and just changed louder.
Look to your left, now look to your right – one of you hasn’t heard this song before. Let’s fix that right now. Let us now assume the yoga position, hover gently above the ground, and say humbly with our inner voice: “Jukebox, play us a song.”
THE SMILE SYNDICATE JUKEBOX – …And The Gods Made Disco
THE JERRY CHRONICLE – Finale. Wrestling match
Miss Elizabeth missed it – had to record her Early 20th Century Land Use Policy in South America podcast
Hype – crowd gathers – at the cannery. Full WWE production – Willie must have done it
Souvenirs – my name spelled wrong
Insanely loud dance music – huge bass – dropping bass note – all of a sudden the crowd groans – half start leaving. Headed to the bathroom – brown note?
Wet t shirt contest – crowd excited they come back – hauled a bunch of random audience members into the ring. Put on Dead Or Alive “You Spin Me ‘Round” – people trying to dance. Then they’re Hit with a firehouse. Flew around like rag dolls. Everyone happy – am I wrong about what a wet t shirt contest is?
opening act (juggling comedians – 3 at a time – crowd is going out of their minds with rage)
Angel’s there – no sign of the yoga dogs.
Lefty and Righty – thought they might help, but they’re 8 rows back, in these floral Hawaiian shirts. Taking the night off.
Maude is there. Saw Lilian, the retired school teacher who beats me up all the time. Reminds me to try to use her razor chop move.
We had an undercard – first up, little people. Not thrilled – they put on a clinic. Amazing match. Amateur style. The crowd lost it. How are we gonna follow? The follow up to that was a couple amateurs from Smileton High. The crowd tore them apart. They both left in tears, consoling each other. We’re really gonna have to deliver if we’re gonna get the crowd back on our side.
Nearly time to go out. Jerry’s been eating watermelon since we got here. He’s gonna eat himself sick before we even get out there. I’ve been fasting for 3 days – opposite strategy. Not feeling great. A guy with a headset comes by – we need you backstage. Jerry jumps up, yells “For Johnny!” Then punches the door on his way out. And he starts yelping. We’re not going to get to the ring in one piece.
We’re behind the curtain. The lights go down. Then the theme for Friends starts playing. The crowd goes nuts. Why are they playing that – worst entrance theme. The crowd is gonna be angry when I walk out and I’m not Ross or Rachel.
So I get announced, “first up, challenging for the Third Rhombus Intercontinental Tag Team Champion, hailing from Podunk, weighing in at 98 pounds, here’s the Prancing Kip – JASON!”
Smileton is usually pretty revved up, but they were not happy to see me. Pelted with all kinds of stuff. I’m soaked in pop by the time I get to the ring.
Jerry gets announced – the crowd is used to the idea that it isn’t gonna be Chandler or Joey coming out next, so he gets a decent reception.
Then all this pyro goes off, a laser light show starts. Then a convertible Caddy starts driving up to the ring. K’Vinnn is dressed up like nWo Hulk Hogan – black beard, blond moustache, do rag. He’s flexing, with this really fancy belt over his shoulder. Willie is dressed up in a body suit that looks like a tux. He also has a belt – he must have got those made. I didn’t lknow this was going to be a title match.
Jerry has the KHAR face around his neck. Feeding him telemetry – your pulse, your heart rate. “Good luck, fellows. And try not to damage me.”
The match begins
Start with a bang – we’re all in the ring for a schmoz. Flailing, kicking randomly, eyes closed, swinging wildly
All four of us – we all have powder. Huge cloud – we’re all clutching our eyes and stumbling around blindly.
The ref separates. Me and K’Vinnn. He’s acting tough, then running away. The crowd is losing it – they’re really turning against K’Vinnn. I can’t catch him. I pretend to get winded, then he comes near, then I start chasing him again. This goes on for about 20 minutes. Finally, I catch him. In the struggle, he fishes into his trunks, pulls out knuckle dusters
Punched in side – me: “Owww-uch! Really?!” He rears up, about to knock me in the head, when the crowd starts going crazy – they’re parting, there’s a run-in in progress. It’s Tammy, Jerry’s partner, she leaps into the ring
FIRST RUN-IN –
Tammy disarms K’Vinnn – low blow
More match stuff
I tag Jerry in and he starts shuffling like Muhammad Ali. Wille gets tagged in and he keeps beating his chest and gesturing “come on!” Jerry keeps shuffling. Willie keeps going “come on!” Again, this goes for another 7 minutes or so.
Finally, Jerry gets too close. Willie grabs him and starts to work. Kick to the midsection, Jerry bends over, clutching his midriff, and Willie sets him up for the pile driver. Whammo. And another. And another. Like 8 of them. Jerry is completely dazed after the 3rd one. The crowd is cheering Jerry on, but he’s on Strange Street. I start yelling at the ref because isn’t the pile driver illegal or something. I don’t know but I have to cause a distraction. Maybe Jerry can do something while the ref’s back is turned – but no. There’s no way out for Jerry. His future is pretty much just piledriver after piledriver. It’s really just a matter of time before Willie gets tired and decides to pin Jerry and end it. Finally, Willie motions towards K’Vinnn – he’s feeling big-hearted and will give K’Vinnn pin. K’Vinnn gets Jerry ready for another pile driver. Then he fishes into his trunks again
Pulls out a full, steel glove. Like from a suit of armour. He’s gonna clobber Jerry with that thing. I start to get in the ring, the ref runs over to stop me. The crowd starts going nuts again. It’s another run in. Someone else is charging through the crowd to get to the ring.
SECOND RUN-IN –
It’s Johnny. He grabs the glove away from K’Vinnn, clocks him with it. K’Vinnn is out cold. Johnny pulls the barely conscious Jerry on top of him and bails out of the ring. The ref turns around, jumps down and counts 1-2-3. And it’s over!
Punch bowl and Yahtzee at Jerry’s place. Sobbing and dropped phone. Nice house – Tammy did a good job. They’re going to city hall tomorrow to get married
Twitter, Facebook, Snuffla – sometimes people aren’t good at communicating. This thing does sentiment analysis and presents a JPG that represents the mood or spirit behind your posting.
MARQUEE SONG SLOT – Shout If You Want To Get Louder (remix)
That’s it! We hope you enjoyed the show. The Smile Syndicate Music Hour podcast will return next week with…. TO DO…..
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So it’s bye bye from Jason.
And bye bye from me. See you next week.
And as always, remember friend, the sun is a jukebox.