Hello and welcome to the Smile Syndicate Music Hour – the home of Funtime music. Check us out on Patreon.com/thesmilesyndicate and join the Smile Squad!
I’m excited to hear today’s songs. Let’s go, Jason!
HELLO
Thanks, Miss Elizabeth. Hello, friend. You honour us by turning your ear this way. Thanks very much for downloading and listening to today’s show. We now have a sacred responsibility to deliver the goods. Miss Elizabeth and I take this responsibility very seriously. Like a heart attack. We have a big job to do, keeping you entertained with Funtime music and Entertainment.
Week in, week out, we’re working overtime at the Smile Syndicate Entertainment Factory to bring you this show, every Monday. We’re chained to the Joyful Treadmill, endlessly producing content for your voracious consumption. Giving you the fuel to face the week, giving you that spark to overcome all challenges. This show is an ace up your sleeve, the skeleton key that unlocks all happiness. And, perhaps, dear listener friend, we may ask something of you in return. Perhaps one day, and this day may never come, we will ask you to do something for us. You may have to set your preconceived notions aside. Perhaps also your better judgement, sense of fair play, and your conscience itself may have to go on mute for a little while you repay our friendship in kind. If the police get involved, we don’t know you, you don’t know us. But this day will probably never come. Probably.
Lots of good stuff lined up for you today, but first, we gotta check in with the Smile Syndicate Music Charts. You’ve never seen a more competitive, more violent, more cutthroat music chart in all your days. Songs lay hands upon each other with ill-intent, pummelling and battering and rending without mercy, without conscience, without end. This week, a competitor everyone counted out has shocked the world and made its brutal return. The doctors told this song to retire from the game, you’ve taken too many shots to the head. One more could be the end. Don’t tell me what to do, doc – I’ve got a chart to conquer. But this competitor, broken bones and all, staggered from its hospital bed, entered the arena once more, brought the pain and now sips from the chalice of victory. All must bow to the cape-clad warrior. Coming in at number 3 with a bullet, this is the Smile Syndicate with NEW PLANETOID.
Hit it, kids!
CHARTS – New Planetoid
SUMMER COMMOTION AFTERMATH
Summer Commotion 2019 is in the books. We closed it off last week with a pretty eventful episode. Smile Syndicate songs performed live on the show for the first time, new comedy segments, and all if it delivered straight from the beaches of your favorite vacation hotspots. We wrapped up Summer Commotion last week from Yellowknife, that sunny oasis tucked away high up in the Canadian North. Lots of sun and fun. The entire Nudes song cycle was performed in its entirety for the first time. We covered the latest news headlines from Smileton, including our highly informative helicopter traffic report, and Jorg and I faced off in a Death Metal Quiz game show segment, ably hosted by Miss Elizabeth.
The quiz was cut short because Jorg was paid a visit by my yoga instructor Angel’s dogs. His yoga dogs came to say hello, gave him a gentle mauling. The score was tied when the dogs showed up, but I definitely had the momentum and my victory was pretty much inevitable. He’s not really hurt. Angel called me up and didn’t say anything – he could barely talk he was laughing so hard. He said that was the greatest segment we’ve ever done on the show. He put cameras on the dogs so he was able to watch it in real time.
Instead of flying home from Yellowknife, we drove and we did it in style in one of those cars that can turn into a boat. The Deh Cho bridge was blocked up – somebody spilled a load of gumballs all over the place and the bridge was packed with people stuffing their mouths full of gum. So we put the car in boat mode, drove across Great Slave Lake which is huge – you can see it from space – but we made it.
Once we got back on the road, our driver, Frederico, kept the thing in boat mode with the rudder sticking out and the sails way up in the air. So we were in boat mode the whole time, driving down the highway. We were constantly getting passed and honked at by enraged drivers. Frederico shouted back at them, swearing in Italian. He really let them have it – his face was beet red, his neck veins were bulging, spittle was flying everywhere. But it was a smooth ride, we drove through some lakes on purpose just because we could.
Miss Elizabeth made new podcasting friends on the trip and is now on another 4 shows. We keep hearing from Miss Elizabeth fans who want to know what other shows she’s on. It would take all day to list all 87 of them, but why don’t you mention the 4 new ones?
MISS ELIZABETH:
Back In The Day – ongoing audio documentary about Hip Hop in the 70s.
Abracadab-do! – a podcast for practicing magicians
The Form Of Function – a podcast discussion of current topics in modern architecture
CRUNCH – a podcast promoting the dance troupe I’m in. We strap garbage cans to our feet and march around. Sometimes we do wave motions with our arms – people love it.
Today’s show:
Let’s talk about this podcast now because we’ve got a fun show planned. We’re going to be bringing the music – we’ll be spinning that cursed Round Wheel of Mystery and obeying its commands. Throughout Summer Commotion, we thought being thousands of miles away from the wheel would lessen its grip on us, but that was not to be – it issued its orders to us through a variety of means – telegram, candy gram, strippergram, imprinting a message on some kid’s shirt.
Now we’re back at Smile Syndicate HQ and it looms over us once again. Don’t cursed objects normally give you some kind of perk, like wishes, or eternal youth or something? It’s gotta appear to be offering something so that you fall into its trap. Not this thing – spin me, obey me, like it. Maybe we could trade this thing for a cursed music box or something.
And, at the end of the show, in the Marquee Song Slot, one of the Smile Syndicate’s greatest hits: “YOUR BIKINI TELLS ME OTHERWISE”.
We are not neglecting the Funtime Entertainment. Later in the show, we’re going to do something we haven’t done in a while. We’re going to give you some practical life tips, life tricks in a segment we call JASON’S LIFE HACKS.
And before that, since it’s the first episode of the month, it’s time for us to make sure this month gets off to a great start for you. We gotta give you some orientation, straight from my inner mind. That’s right, it’s time for the ACCUSCOPE HOROSCOPE – the world’s most accurate horoscope.
ACCUSCOPE HOROSCOPE
Scientifically-based, these messages come straight from my inner mind, my subconscious. They’re like laser blasts from the truth phaser. We’ve been doing this for a few months now and people’s lives are changing because of it. So let’s change your life – whatever your sign, tune your ears in and get a chilling prognostication of a possible future, or maybe hard-hitting assessment of your current situation – it’s like an intervention done in one sentence. And listen to all of them – don’t ignore the advice given to other signs. You gotta be around these other people, so the ACCUSCOPE HOROSCOPE will also help you know what to expect from them this month as well. We got you covered 360 with this thing.
LEO (July 23 to August 22) – You’re always mopping up after your dumb friends after they something foolhardy. So maybe make it a thing where you always have a bunch of mops in your hatchback. The next time your friend complains about getting evicted again or you go to bail them out of jail after they started a scuffle with some other ne’er-do-wells, just hand them a mop and say “do it yourself”. They’ll get the message. (Make sure you get the mop back later or make it clear to your friend you expect them to pay for a mop – you don’t want to bankrupt yourself giving away tons of mops.)
VIRGO (August 23 to September 22) – If you’re going to be a Peeping Tom, fine, but using binoculars when your right up against someone’s window is overkill.
LIBRA (September 23 to October 22) – Your money problems will leave your mind like a bunch of butterflies in a meadow flying up to the sun. Not because they’re solved – they’re not, you’re still hooped – but because a bigger problem will appear: someone else in your kayaking club will frame you for murder.
SCORPIO (October 23 to November 21) – You’re way to susceptible to the whole “secret admirer” thing. So stop being a victim and get proactive. Leave flowers and chocolates from secret admirers to everyone you know. Create a crazy spider web – people thinking they have an admirer while at the same time are thought to be an admirer themselves by at least 3 other people. You’ll sow so much chaos that it’ll give you time to get your act together and not be so gormless all the time.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 to December 21) – Okay, the ending you’ve come up with is ridiculous. Writing mystery novels really isn’t your thing. Go back to writing erotic fiction about sitcom characters.
CAPRICORN (December 22 to January 19) – What is the deal with rummage sales? You put your junk on a table and expect me to wade through it?! Show me a little selectivity and I might buy something! Anything that has rummage in the name tells me I’ve got more work to do and I’m busy enough as it is. No thank you!
AQUARIUS (January 20 to February 18) – Your snickering when you heard that your fortune teller got mugged is going to echo back on you. Someone else will be snickering when a piano or some other heavy instrument gets dropped on you later this month.
PISCES (February 19 to March 20) – The sign of the Fishman. What makes you think you can just walk away from the motorcycle gang you just joined? Do you think the initiation rituals were a joke? This is your life now so you’d better learn to ride.
ARIES (March 21-April 19) – Every time you go to use an extension cord, it’s always 1 foot short. Recognize this powerful metaphor in your life and do something about it. Get longer extension cords. Or get 2. Or maybe get an electrician in to put some more outlets in so you’re not crisscrossing your whole place with these stupid cords. Someone’s going to trip one of these days.
TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) – We’ve been going to this restaurant once a week for the past 8 years and you still haven’t memorized the menu? The next time you take 20 minutes to pick something, I’m gonna scream.
GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) – You’ve been spending the last three years working to get the new dance you created to catch on. But no one has had the heart to tell you the truth, so I will: the Jitterbug is old. Really old. You didn’t invent it. It’s not new. Just stop it. You’re wasting your time. Grab a mirror and take a look at yourself. You wasted 2 years before this claiming you invented hopscotch. Stop inventing old things – learn from your mistakes.
CANCER (June 21 to July 22) – You will feel vindicated this month when all of those people who told you you wasted your time perfecting those bird calls will be eating crow after you save all those school kids by luring away that angry flock of sparrows. This will not be the last time your skill at imitating birds will save lives.
HORPTO (leap years) – One too many bawdy limericks spoken at the pub will land you in the hospital. Keep your rude rhymes for your alone time.
ROUND WHEEL OF MYSTERY
We are back at Smile Syndicate HQ and the Round Wheel of Mystery is before us. It’s time to spin this cursed, ageless, demon-spawned circle of choices and possibilities and see what it commands today.
…
So let’s huddle up and say with one proud voice: “Jukebox, play us a song.”
JUKEBOX – Turns Out It Was A Hoax
THE SUMMER CONTINUES
I gotta say some of our listeners are getting too attached to this show. Got some feedback from people freaking out that Summer Commotion 2019 is over. We experienced something similar when we wrapped up April Insanity earlier this year. My friends, please calm down. The shows will continue. August will have all new shows, we have some surprises for later in the year, everything will be okay. Just turn it down a notch or three.
Stop freaking out so much and just look forward to the future. Just look at today’s show: we’ve got Jason’s Life Hacks coming up right away. You’ll learn lots of stuff right away that will make your life better. And if you have a question or comment about anything, you need help with something else, advice, some tough love, whatever you need, send the question or comment in to mailbag@thesmilesyndicate.com.
Let’s change your life right now.
JASON’S LIFE HACKS
I hate flippancy. I hate when people dispense facile life advice. If you’re going to mess with people’s lives, make sure you know what you’re doing. We’re going to present life hacks that are practical ways to improve your life. And these aren’t just thrown out willy nilly. Each hack has been tested. So we’re going to go through these so you really get the understanding you need to apply it to your own life. Sometimes they don’t work so well for me, but maybe you’ll be able to see where I went wrong and stop yourself from making the same excuses as me.
I don’t claim to be some lifehack guru. I’m getting right down in the muck and hacking life like crazy. What I lack in knowledge or judgement I make up for with tenacity. And the results of all this hacking and wacking are presented here during JASON’S LIFE HACKS without apology, without sugarcoating, without backpedaling. Life can be messy and life hacks even messier. So let’s go.
So this week we kind of have a theme . The hacks this week are about creativity, but specifically writing, though the hacks here can apply to any creative activity.
#1 DREAM JOURNAL
Do: keep a dream journal
I’m trying to relax, really trying to be open minded and free with this exercise
Really letting loose. I’m writing stuff like “I feel like a butterfly. Let the wind lift me higher. I stand agog. Free and agog.”
Keeping this journal has changed what I dream about. Used to be the most boring, prosaic stuff. Writing about dreams of flying, of meadows, of gossamer – it’s like an anime movie of some kid shrinking down and meeting all kids of strange creatures on magical mushrooms.
It’s like being on LSD.
Really letting it all hang out. Holding nothing book. That journal’s got it all
Don’t: write in it on the bus.
Still leery of driving – the Mayor tickets me every chance she gets
I’m on the bus, it’s 3 hours each way, got time. Took out my big fancy pen. It’s a normal Bic pen but I taped a feather to it to look sophisticated (that’s a little Culture Vulture tip for you right there).
I’m sitting a few rows from the back. And there are these bunch of punk kids in the back.
They had a boombox. Crazy music – some woman going “uh-huh, uh-huh” and a deep-voiced guy going “BUH-BUH-LAY, BUH-BUH-LAY”
5 or 6 of them. Crazy hairdos. Some actual punks, couple of goths, couple of kids who look like they don’t know what the hell’s going on. They see this big feather flitting around in front of them and they start calling out to me.
“Nice pen, chicken scratch! Writing a poem?”
I handled it like you should: “Just leave me alone, you kids.”
Made it worse. They got up and came over. They want to see what I’m writing.
They grab it out of my hands. “Not cool, guys! Give me back my book.”
So they’re all standing around me and I’m running to whoever has the book. They throw it to a friend. It’s in the back of a bus, so it’s tough to move around. I start getting tired.
Then they open it and start reading from it. “This guy dreams about flying, guys! Free and agog! HA HA!” Then they all started “A-GOG! A-GOG!”
Suddenly we hear the bus driver yelling “WHAT THE HELL’S GOING ON BACK THERE. GET OFF MY BUS.” He pulled over and we all got off.
I did get my book back, but I’m a little soured on it. Maybe I’ll start dictating my dream journal instead.
PLUGS
Digital music streaming – Spotify, Apple, Google, Amazon, everywhere. New Spotify playlist. 20 Smile Syndicate classic trax. Listen to the playlist while you’re working in the garage, roof or deep underground.
Twitter – @smilesyndicate
Facebook – thefacebook.com/thesmilesynicate
Behbebehbabo – I don’t know much about this one. Terrible name. Can’t seem to spell it right. I’ve never been actually able to get to the site. The buzz around this one is great. You really have to be on there – everyone who’s anyone online is there. No clue what it is. I have the feeling its one of those sites where they have the lineup with the velvet ropes and the guy at the door takes one look at you and goes “I don’t think so, sir.” So check it Behbebehbabo. I can’t, so let me know how it is.
thesmilesyndicate.com
It’s time for the Marquee Song Slot, what this whole show has been building up to. The most coveted spot in all of podcasting.
This week we’re delighted to present a Smile Syndicate classic. So let’s all prepare ourselves. Let’s take off the skipants, the hipwaders or tunic or whatever you’re lounging around in today. Let’s get seated comfortably and clear our minds, stare blankly at a wall with our mouths open while we prepare to receive the music. Listen.
MARQUEE – Your Bikini Tells Me Otherwise
BYE BYE
That’s it! We hope you enjoyed the show. If you did, please consider joining the Smile Squad and support this podcast on Patreon. Join our just cause as we pursue the values of Funtime music, Funtime comedy, and general delightedment.
Go to Patreon.com/thesmilesyndicate and select the level of membership that feels most comfortable to you. Patrons of The Smile Syndicate get early access, exclusive extra stuff, and membership in the most awesome club on the Internet.
Please tell a friend about this podcast and, if you could, give us a review on iTunes. These small gestures could change the world.
So it’s bye bye from Jason.
And bye bye from me. See you next week.
And as always, remember friend, the sun is a jukebox.
