You are a welcome sight for these sore eyes. You are doing you and that’s great and a good way to do you is to do you with The Smile Syndicate Music Hour as your personal soundtrack. Let our Funtime Music give you the pep and vim to blast your way through this week and let our Funtime Entertainment make you smile and make you more appealing to people. Science people have shown that listening to the Smile Syndicate Music Hour on a regular basis will make you appear 10 years younger to your family, peers and potential romantic partners.
If this is your first episode, welcome. Grab a seat up front. And if you’re a veteran listener, thanks for sticking with us. You’re part of the backbone that makes this lumbering giant able to stand and squash villages.
Time to turn to the Smile Syndicate Music Chart and I hope you like blood and guts because these songs spill ’em like it’s goin’ out of style. Combatants cold as night ready to ruinize their foes all for the chance to move up one slot on the chart. It’s an all-out nuclear war fought with fist and mace and spear.
I see our two competitors are stepping to the centre to the ring. They each salute the other with a clenched fist across the chest – the only rule observed in this crazed bloodatorium.
They separate. The contest is about to begin.
But wait! What’s this? One competitor has taken a seat on the ground and is now lying flat on their back! The other competitor is casually walking up, placing their foot on the other’s chest and is raising their hand in victory?! Oh, the crowd doesn’t like this at all!
What a farce! What a travesty! Does the song on the ground have no dignity? Oh, to sell your soul – what price could possibly be worth the loss? Uh, the competitors are now shaking hands and they both bow to some shadowy figure in the crowd. No doubt, a well-monied big wheel who has bought his favorite a prime spot on the chart.
Disgusting. But what can you do? Coming in with number 3 with a bullet, this is The Smile Syndicate with RUMPUS ROOM. Hit it, kids!
THE SMILE SYNDICATE CHART – Rumpus Room
Last week’s show – Miss Elizabeth: Investigator Of Supernatural Mystery. They did solve the Mystery of the Messed Up Herbie Hancock Album. Got an important clue for the bigger brass statue mystery:
Got some nice feedback about last week’s show. People complained they weren’t featured in the Mailbag. Gotta meet us halfway – rambling 1000-page screeds written a language of your own devising are hard to make use of. People are excited about my upcoming wrestling match with my life coach Jerry and I teaming up against infamous criminal kingpin Willie Nelson and his cowardly cur of a sidekick K’Vinnn. We’ve got a date – Friday, September 13. Go to the usual sources for tickets. The location won’t be revealed until the night before. You’ll get a text. I’m gonna guess it’ll be at the Haunted Cannery.
Had lunch with the Food Court Regulars for the first time since they got out of jail in Jamaica. They were completely blasé – “well, it’s just one of those things!” Jasper Joseph is pretty upset about getting dragged into the bronze statue mystery. He lays the blame squarely at the feed of Bird and I don’t blame him. Anyway, I felt like celebrating so I bought everyone a six pack of tacos from Good Time Taco. It’s worth spending 10 bucks to see your buddies faces light up like it’s Christmas.
We’ve got a great show lined up for you. Since Miss Elizabeth’s birthday is right around the corner, we thought we should celebrate by doing two of Miss Elizabeth’s favorite segments – the Accuscope Horoscope and the Smileton News.
And we’ve still got lots of music to come – Round Wheel of Mystery – hopefully tells us to play a song. Not blindfold yourself drive the Oscar Meyer Weiner car into oblivion.
And in the Marquee song slot – We’re gonna be talkin’ about rock walkin’. We’re going to play “Walk The Rock Walk”
I hear the music. So now it’s time to peer into the eddies and flows of my inner mind and read what messages from the Great Subconscious that twist and turn right there before us. Place your decision making for the upcoming month in my hands as we now explore the
VIRGO (August 23 to September 22) – Your dream of being the most famous reality TV star of them all will come true this month when a video of you showering in the Big Brother house wearing your street clothes, sobbing, and singing 99 Red Balloons goes viral.
LIBRA (September 23 to October 22) – You calling yourself King Of The Jerky and pushing your homemade jerky on all your friends is really turning them off. Get better friends. Who doesn’t love the delicious taste of jerky?
SCORPIO (October 23 to November 21) – Everyone calls you “The Hawk” but I don’t know why. You’re the most inattentive person I’ve ever met. I could spit on your shoes and tell you it’s raining and you wouldn’t know the difference.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 to December 21) – A phone call from a long forgotten friend will lead to an eagerly anticipated reunion, a heartfelt conversation, an offer of help and a drained bank account. Think ahead and just bring the cops with you when you go to meet this chisler.
CAPRICORN (December 22 to January 19) – An opportunity to arm wrestle professionally will present itself this month. Though you may have no interest in it, you should seize this opportunity. If you don’t, I’m really starting to run out of ideas, then. It can’t be me doing everything – you have to start helping yourself at some point, for God’s sake.
AQUARIUS (January 20 to February 18) – You’ve got a copy of the daily paper from each day for the past 30 years in your basement. Ignore friends and family – it isn’t a firetrap. It’s a huge data bank of knowledge, it’s a time machine, it’s a living testament to days gone by. But they might be right that you should actually read the paper first before adding it to the pile downstairs.
PISCES (February 19 to March 20) – The sign of the Fishman. Turns out the grave you burgled really was cursed. Your four grave burgling friends are already dead and the undead mummy is now coming for you. I told you not to do that, so you’re on your own. I don’t know how to handle mummy curses. You’re probably hooped.
ARIES (March 21-April 19) – Planning a bank robbery with your ukelele circle is a bad idea. They’re mostly pretty dumb, it’s gonna be a bad plan and you’re gonna get caught. So don’t do it. What are you thinking, anyway? They can barely play ukelele and you’re counting on them to disable security systems and crack safes? Give your head a shake.
TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) – Everyone’s calling you “Homemade Donuts” behind your back, FYI.
GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) – We’ve all heard the story about how you were conceived at a drive-in theatre, so please stop telling it. Aries over there was conceived at a mini golf centre and you don’t hear them bragging about it.
CANCER (June 21 to July 22) – Someone who shows up drunk to your dog’s birthday party is not a friend. They aren’t sorry so you need to teach them a lesson. Dress up as them and try to seduce their boss.
LEO (July 23 to August 22) – Going through that box of treasured mementos has really dredged up a lot of memories. That’s a whole lot of new names to be added to your People To Get Revenge On list. Commit to making a dent in that list this month.
HORPTO (leap years) – If you put a hornets nest and a bee hive together, you get a harmonious system of spontaneous order so intricate it makes an anthill look like a pile of crap.
Cult – got them to mow the grass. Do some stump grinding. Hilarious. They’ll do anything.
Let’s cluster around the jukebox like a bunch of minnows waiting for some tasty morsels to drop from a gardener’s glove, and with one voice let us say – “Jukebox, play us a song.”
THE SMILE SYNDICATE JUKEBOX – Rasputin
A QUICK SOLID FOR LANCE
Before we get on to the news, I just want to do a quick thing for my buddy Lance. We had a powerful windstorm blow through town and the trampoline Lance keeps on the roof of the store blew away. Keep an eye out for it, everyone.
A town like Smileton deserves to be better-served by its news outlets. All our local news teams – on radio and TV both – are incompetent to a surreal degree. It’s like none of them have ever heard or seen a professional broadcast before.
JASON: The Smileton News….. with Miss Elizabeth
Good evening, Smileton. Let’s talk about some news.
Authorities report a missing local celebrity has been found and is recuperating in hospital. Local Smileton shock jock Rick “The Stick” Jeffries was up to his old zany tricks. The foul-mouthed star of the morning airwaves had decided to perform a stunt for charity. Between his radio show, his hilarious “stripping weatherman” routine on the evening news, it’s quite amazing that he still has time to delight us all with his patented comedy stunts. And you won’t believe what he came up with this time. Two days ago, a crowd of 300 people gathered to watch Jeffries tie 10 large helium balloons to a lawn chair. He sat down, cut the chair free of its moorings and floated gracefully up to the sky. “You look like ants down there, you losers!” called out the funny man as he drifted up and out of town. Merriment turned to concern as Jeffries failed to turn up to work at his radio show the next morning. This reporter is relieved to report that Jeffries experienced difficulty with his balloons and made an unplanned landing right in the middle of the Smileton Tar Pits. A nude and sobbing Jeffries was pulled from the muck, all the while hurling abuse on his rescuers. Say what you will about his judgement, the man knows what’s funny. Get well soon, Rick “The Stick”.
Smileton’s fire chief Felix Flamand has some tough questions for Mayor Patty Pepper and Smileton City Council. Last month, the mayor announced a plan to paint Smileton’s fire hydrants to feature a more organic, nature-friendly look. A private company was paid 1 million dollars to paint the hydrants a relaxing combination of grass green and sky blue. While definitely more relaxing to look at, they soon proved difficult for fire fighters to find. Three local business perished in flames last month as fire fighting crews scrambled helplessly to find a hydrant. “There’s a reason we paint them red or yellow,” Chief Flamand quipped drily.
The skies above Smileton saw more than their fair share of action this past Saturday as a local resident declared his own personal war against hot air balloons. Smileton, per capita, has more hot air balloons than anywhere else on earth. On weekends, it’s not unusual for the sun itself to be obscured by the hundreds of balloons jostling for space above our heads. A local man, known as Terrance Z, has been arrested for erratically piloting a pirate ship-shaped balloon and for firing a pellet gun at 8 balloons. There were no injuries or damages reported. Six police hot air balloons were quickly dispatched and a slow hot air balloon chase ensued. Police eventually shot holes in the pirate ship which then landed in a field outside of town. Police swarmed the man and halled him to the hoosegow. The skies above Smileton are safe once again, so up you go, my ballooning friends!
Mayor Patty held a news conference yesterday afternoon to angrily denounce a local vandal. Some unknown fiend has vandalized the statue of Angus Pepper, a beloved town founder and the current mayor’s grandfather. Featured prominently in Harvester Square, the statue has been a benevolent overseer and symbol to this bustling town of ours. A bronze beany, with working propeller, has been placed on the head of Bronze Angus Pepper. Expertise in working with bronze was obviously required to pull off this prank, as the perfectly rendered hat fits old Angus to a T. “Neither myself nor the citizens of Smileton will stand for this heinous prankateering. Not since some criminal put a “Who Let The Dogs Out?” T-shirt on my grandfather has this town been so disrespected. I call on the Smileton Police to track down this person or person(s) unknown and bring them to justice harshly. Let us all continue to remember my grandfather as a bare-pated sage, and not some beany-wearing roustabout.” Police are continuing their investigation.
Police warning – kids doing the Bulgarian Mountain Duel. Police spokesman: “our town’s podcaster are irresponsible.”
And now turning to the world of sports,
The provincial street golf championships are being held in Smileton this weekend. This rapidly growing sport has found a loyal fanbase here in town and I’m sure there’ll be hundreds of people lining the streets to watch these titans of the green wacking and slashing at golfballs, in this beautiful speed chess version of golf. Local shopkeepers are grousing because of the large number of broken shop windows that results whenever a town hosts this kind of event. But the amount of revenue this sport generates for Smileton must surely outweigh a few broken windows. So, if you’re walking around downtown on Saturday, make sure you wear protective goggles and a hard hat. If someone nearby yells “FORE!” hit the ground and cover up. Other than that, enjoy the game!
The Winter Blues Dance Marathon 2018 has entered its 7th month. Three couples remain and they are definitely looking the worse for wear. The competitors have been non-responsive for a couple weeks now, but they continue to sway gently, determined as ever to win the Dance Marathon Crown. The 2017 Dance Marathon lasted 8 months and it sure looks like one or more of the remaining couples will be setting a record this year. Boy, you really have to love music to want to dance for 7 months straight! When you’re feeling up to it, do a jitterbug for me, guys!
Let’s run down the scores for the Smileton Northside Community Street Hocket League:
The Harembes defeated the Stranger Elevens 15-8
The Kardashians held their foes the Your Moms to a nil-nil tie
The Garbage People annihilated the Invisible Weiners 28-0
The Monkey Spankers fell to the Golden Gates Bible College 3-2
Before we sign off, just a reminder to set your clocks back 33 minutes before you go to bed. Then wake up at 2:18 and move your clocks 42 minutes ahead. This from the Town of Smileton’s Time Officer, Brady Benchley, who says, “I saw something from NASA where they had to adjust some computer clocks or something. I ran my own numbers and have figured out this is the best way for us to stay on the cutting edge of time. I want our clocks to be as accurate as possible.” Spring forward, fall back, and otherwise, just check with Brady.
That’s it for this edition of the Smileton news. I’m Miss Elizabeth. Good night, outta sight.
PLUGS – Streaming and Social Media
Digital music services
Toggler – it’s a dating service meets Snapchat. It takes your image, splits it in half, throws away half your face and just mirrors the remaining half. So everybody on their becomes complete symmetrical and really good looking. People are hooking up like rabbits on that thing. It’s a complete madhouse over there. If you’re up to it, check out Toggler. But look out ’cause you’ll get so much action from hit you won’t know what to do with yourself.
TELL A FRIEND!
It’s time we let the roar of the world fade away and we turn attention to one thing. One song. Let the music in, face it with a grin, cheaters never win, let the song begin. Listen.
MARQUEE SONG SLOT – Walk The Rock Walk
That’s it! We hope you enjoyed the show. If you did, please consider joining the Smile Squad and support this podcast on Patreon – that’s patreon.com/thesmilesyndicate. Join our just cause as we pursue the values of Funtime music, Funtime comedy, and general delightedment. Get early access, exclusive extra stuff, and membership in the most awesome club on the Internet.
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So it’s bye bye from Jason.
And bye bye from me. See you next week.
And as always, remember friend, the sun is a jukebox.