November 4, 2019
Hello and welcome to the Smile Syndicate Music Hour – the home of Funtime music and comedy. By the we’re done, you won’t believe a single one of your senses.
I’m excited to hear today’s songs. Let’s go, Jason!
You don’t even see how important a cog you are. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. This machine will just lurch and cough along if you’re not there.
First time – Don’t be nervous. You’re gonna like the show. We’re friendly. Other people report their first time listens as being a little stressful. You may feel a bit light-headed. Just sit and breathe.
Long time – I’m glad you’re back. We said some things to each other over the phone yesterday that we didn’t mean.
Once again, it’s time to time to turn to the Smile Syndicate Chart – the most wide-eyed, frothing-mouthed crazily competitive music chart in the business. Money don’t make this merry-go-round go round. Nope – to get a spot here, you definitely still pay, but the currency is blood and broken bones and smushed skulls.
A fan is jawing at one. Making flapping motions with his arms. Doing a gesture indicating glasses. Unclear from this vantage point whether the combatant does in fact wear glasses. He’s really tearing a strip off the competitor. It’s his right – he bought a ticket, he can say whatever he wants to the talent. Oh, now he’s bent over, showing him his derriere – oh, the competitor strikes like a serpent. Oh, down goes the fan. His skull has been smushed.
Coming in at number 3 with a bullet, this is the Smile Syndicate with a recent live performance of I’m Going Back To High School! Hit it, kids!
CHART – I’m Going Back To High School (LIVE)
Halloween rundown. Jorg voice mails. He’s back from Winnipeg.
Party not over – we’ll be announcing the next event next week.
This show is great. Music galore, we’re going to spin that accursed Round Wheel of Mystery – it hasn’t given us a bizarre command lately. It’s only the druids that have been a problem. I’ll tell you about that later.
Marquee song slot – Walk The Rock Walk.
And, since it’s the first show of the month, we’re going to present the Accuscope Horoscope.
That’s too much fun for one or two shows even, but we’re not done. First up, we’re going to rub that crystal ball, its strange lights will fill the room and change the scene. We will soon find ourselves in the strange dark alleys and spooky corners that positively ooze with supernatural transpirings. It’s time for our intrepid guide to tell us the latest of her fighting the good fight to protect Smileton from supernatural miscreants.
It’s time for…
MISS ELIZABETH – INVESTIGATOR OF SUPERNATURAL MYSTERIES
Halloween might be done for the year, but the Supernatural Mysteries in Smileton never sleep. So my Mystery Solving Team never sleeps either. We’ve been busier than ever this past week.
The powers of darkness do their best to put up roadblocks, but we just have to knock them down and keep going. And the latest Friend of Darkness to finally unmask himself is another unhelpful local printer. We’ve been trying to get our business cards re-printed. The first printer messed it up – printed it on black with gold printing. A bikini and a cigar were on it – looked like a card for a gentleman’s club. We can’t use those – no one will take us seriously. We’ve got tons of them – we should throw them out.
Let’s give them to our Patreon supporters.
So, the local printers have this shadowy cabal, conspiring against us. They don’t want us uncovering anything.
And that’s not the only problems we’ve been having this week. Some team dynamics issues that need addressing. So, Hunter and Duncan have really not been pulling their weight. They mostly play XBox in the back room of Connie’s Kettle while the rest of us are chasing down a lead or interrogating someone in the food court.
Hunter’s really been getting into BMX. He wants to set up ramps in the parking lot of the mall and do shows. He’s terrible at riding a bike though. He wants you to do some music for him. He wants something like The Final Countdown, but with lyrics about how cool he is.
Duncan, on the other hand, is leading some kind of double life. He has about 8 cell phones. He answers one of them in what sounds like Russian. We were booking a flight to a Supernatural Mystery Investigating Team conference next year and needed passport info. Duncan showed me 6 different UK passports and said “pick one.” I think he’s basically living in the back room of the Kettle – he just gets kids to go get food from the food court for him. They got sick of his demands and complaints, so they brought him a downmarket easybake oven.
Wow! Connies power bills must be through the roof!
He’s cooking by light bulb, so it’s pretty cost effective actually. He started with the packets, but now he can create his own recipes.
Jorg helped decrypt an important clue last time. He’s offered his team to help us. We’re still figuring out what that’s going to look like. He was on his bus tour all this week.
There were some positive developments this week, though. Connie had to go on a trip because her mom’s getting married. She couldn’t take Bird on the flight, but the problem was that she has 3 different babysitters for Bird, but they were all busy. I volunteered to look after Bird while he’s away. So he’s been staying with us at Smile Syndicate HQ for the past few days.
He’s been very helpful. He loves making sandwiches. He made a bunch the other day and I handed them out to everyone.
Jason: “that sandwich you made. He had his mouth all over it?!”
Developments in our main mystery – the bronze statues appearing in the Smileton Mall’s food court. With Jorg’s help, we understand that there’s a curse involved. I’ve been keeping tabs on the statues. There haven’t been any new ones for a while. I set up a few high-speed cameras around the food court – I’m going to catch this fiend in the act the next time he wants to add to his collection. I’ve reviewed the footage – nothing to report, except that some of Smileton’s residents are displaying a distinct lack of manners in the food court.
We’ve definitely been monitoring Jake Waits, the owner of the supplement store across from Connie’s Kettle. He’s noticed us watching him and he’s getting annoyed. But that hasn’t stopped him from acting like Prime Suspect #1.
When he’s not screaming when he’s bench pressing or yelling at customers, he looks like he’s whispering on the phone.
MORE STUFF ABOUT JAKE.
He has this other guy come by. Lots of discussion. It started getting heated. It ended with Jake banging on the counter – “No. No, that is unacceptable. We had a plan and you’re going to stick to it.” And stuff like “Call the cops – they won’t believe you.” Then he was yelling at the guy to behave because they both know the power Jake has over him. So my spidey senses were definitely tingling. To this Supernatural Investigator, that sure sounded like a full confession.
The other guy leaves and Jake is just pacing his store, like a caged tiger. Talking to himself, punching his palm. He really looks agitated about something. He closes the store early and goes storming out of the mall.
The next day, we’re just settling in for the morning’s first cup of tea. We look across the way to Jake’s store and, the gate is still down, but the lights are on. What do see right in the middle of his store? A life-sized bronze statue of Jake. Both fists raised above his head. Like he’s celebrating. HIs mouth is wide open, looks like there’s spittle coming out of it.
We were in total shock. Our whole world just turned upside down. I had the cameras in the food court, but the statue appeared here. Jake wasn’t Prime Suspect #1 after all – he’s just the latest victim!
Then, you can imagine my surprise when Jake walked up, opened up his store, and waltzed right in! How could both Jake and the bronze form of Jake be at the same coordinates of space-time?
We ran over there – I yelled at him “don’t touch it! God knows what might happen.” I was sure we were face-to-face with a universe-twisting paradox. He just got annoyed. “I’ll touch my statue if I want. Get the hell out of my store.” We walked out
Turns out, he’d had a statue of himself made. The guy he was yelling at was a sculptor. I think the power he has over the guy is that he’s blackmailing him. Connie says he’s blackmailing all kinds of people.
The druid named Roy has disappeared. No druids again this week. He left a message in chalk on the sidewalk: “ENJOY THE HEX – Love, The Scumbag Druids” – so they listen to the show. I’m not afraid.
JUKEBOX – Dirt Bike
You are steering the car of your life down that highway. Let us pause and let me and the twisted workings of my subsconscious take the wheel for a while as we present the ACCUSCOPE HOROSCOPE – the most scientifically accurate horoscope in the world as verified by science lab workers the world over.
I don’t look to the stars or the tides or at the moon for my prognostications. I focus on the Quiet Zone. I calm the insane chittering of my conscious mind and let the seething torrents of my subconscious burst up like red-hot globules of knowledge magma. Listen to me and know what to do this month. November was looking iffy for you, but not anymore. Not of you heed what is about to be shared.
SCORPIO (October 23 to November 21) – Your goal of everybody calling you a Wunderkind isn’t going to happen by itself. You gotta get out there and show them you’re still a kid and that you’ve got Wunder comin’ out the ying yang. Clock’s tickin’, sport.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 to December 21) – You pretending to have a little cough to punctuate things you say isn’t having the desired effect. Not everyone gets that you’re trying to make what you just said more poignant by signaling you have TB. This isn’t a Victorian novel we’re living in, you weirdo. If you’re sick, go get treated. If not, knock it off.
CAPRICORN (December 22 to January 19) – There can be no debate. Every day not spend rocking a body stocking is a day wasted. Get your form in everybody’s faces. The world will open up to you.
AQUARIUS (January 20 to February 18) – No one likes the new habit. And calling them cigarellos changes nothing. You’re bumming everyone out, smokestack.
PISCES (February 19 to March 20) – The sign of the Fishman. I’ve heard of a Life Partner, but a Life Rival? Who ever heard of that? Well, get used to the idea, pal – starting this month, you’ve got one and they’re already way ahead of you. Get your arse in gear because I think I’m already starting to like them better.
ARIES (March 21-April 19) – Stop calling it a jalopy. It’s a rusted out hunk of junk and you endanger everybody taking that pile of crap out on the road. There’s no fixing that wreck, Jughead. Start saving for a better vehicle.
TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) – People are starting to suspect that your accent is fake. Stop talking altogether this month and let this blow over.
GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) – The world’s your oyster?! Gee, thanks. How about the world’s your pile of gold, or cash? Jeepers, you’re drowning here – what are you supposed to do with an oyster? Pay your cell phone bill. Please.
CANCER (June 21 to July 22) – So everything you learned, you learned in Kindergarten, huh? What about responsibility, what about prioritizing, what about your word being your bond? You could barely add in Kindergarten. What are you talking about?
LEO (July 23 to August 22) – Until I can find a positive word that rhymes with “bloom”, I’m afraid it’s gonna still have to be “doom and gloom” for you this month.
VIRGO (August 23 to September 22) – Just because you can juggle doesn’t give you the right to grab people’s stuff and throw it up in the air. When I come from, we call that being a thief.
LIBRA (September 23 to October 22) – Make sure you have a variety of anti-venoms at your disposal this month. I can’t say much more, but snakes aren’t the only things with fangs.
HORPTO (leap years) – Enough with the devil worship. Do you expect to earn a reward from Satan? You figure you put in the work, you’ll get rewarded? The devil scoffs at justice, dude. You’ll bust your hump all your life doing dark deeds and you’ll end up in the fire along with all the rest of the chumps. Get with the cool kids and worship the sun. It’s better for you.
PAID ADVERTISEMENT – Sunshine Hippie Goods (Jane)
The times they are a-changin’. Everywhere, that is, except Sunshine Hippie Goods, Smileton’s premiere shop for those who want to tune on, turn on and drop out. It’s still the Age of Aquarius in my heart and in my store. My name is Jane Sunshine and I want to formally invite you, podcast listener, to make sure you visit my store the next time you’re in Smileton.
When it’s time to get back to the garden, make sure you go fully equipped with tie-dyed t-shirts, headbands, beads, and maybe a little “sweet leaf”, shall we say?
The next time you’re protesting that crazy war we’re involved in and you want to make your sign stand out, make sure you buy your poster board from me. It’ll be sourced from hemp, soak up ink like a sponge and give you that feeling of authenticity as you shout abuse at Spiro Agnew, or his modern equivalent. Don’t get it wet, though – it’ll be a pile of porridge if it gets wet.
And body paint? Yum yum! We now stock Love Garden-brand body paint and I can confirm that it is fully edible. Unlike the last brand we stocked. I would like to iterate my apologies about the body paint we used to sell. If you still have some, please throw it out. Do not get it on your skin or in your eyes.
Make love, not war, but before you do that, make your way down to Sunshine Hippie Goods. Our address is 4 Succotash St and the calendar behind the counter still says July, 1968. We’re far out and close by. See you soon for trippy vibes! Peace. Smile on your brother. Smile on your sister. We’ve got to get ourselves back to the gaaa-aaa-aaah-rden……
GRUFFO – the bad mood social media platform. As you type your posting, it keeps interrupting you. “No one needs to hear that.” “Oh, that’s original.” “Wow, you know, you really are part of the problem.” Really makes you question whether what you’re posting is worthwhile. If you can complete the obstacle course and finally hit send, you can be sure the message is good and is contributing something to the general well-being.
MARQUEE SONG SLOT – Walk The Rock Walk
Thanks – see you this Thursday for The Smile Syndicate After Dark.
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So it’s bye bye from Jason.
And bye bye from me. See you next week.
And as always, remember friend, the sun is a jukebox.