Hello and welcome to the Smile Syndicate Music Hour – the home of Funtime music. Check us out on Patreon.com/thesmilesyndicate and earn great benefits when you join the Smile Squad!
I’m excited to hear today’s songs. Let’s go, Jason!
HELLO
Thanks, Miss Elizabeth. And hello, friend. Thanks very much for downloading and listening today’s episode. Your time is precious and we appreciate you devoting some of it to our feisty little show here. The family is growing week by week, our fans are getting more enthusiastic, we’re making some long-term plans for the show. Lots of exciting ideas. 2019 won’t be big enough to contain them all. Glad you’re hear with us now.
Well, we survived it – April Insanity – you and I. It’s a different world, being on the other side.
We’re into May, and that doesn’t mean we start slacking now. April Insanity made us pick up our game and we’re going to carry this momentum straight into the summer. I have a feeling this will be the best summer ever, so let’s go. Tell your friends. We still have lots of room on this bus, so the more friends the better.
In our last episode, we completed counting down your top 5 favorite songs of all time. Goldfinger was the last cover song of April Insanity. We’ll probably be doing April Insanity next year.
But let’s get to today’s exciting offerings. We’re going to be checking in on the Smile Syndicate charts. Let’s get an update on that endless war – song against song, who will be champion, who will be chumpion. The Smile Syndicate Jukebox will also be belching fire and song.
It’s the first episode of the month, so that means it’s time to update the Accuscope Horoscope. We’re going to let you know exactly what’s coming your way. 100% accuracy is guaranteed. We’ve already heard from listeners who were really able to turn their lives around after hearing the Horoscope, which we only just debuted during April Insanity. Who knows – this time it could be you.
Plus, we’re introducing yet another brand new feature: Miss Elizabeth’s Picks. We’re steaming towards our 50th episode. There is lots of stuff in past episodes that we think more recent listeners would enjoy and long-time listeners won’t mind hearing again. So we’ll be going back into the archive and pulling out some favorite segments which we can hear with fresh ears, having learned a lot since the first time they aired. It’ll be like catching up with an old friend. Miss Elizabeth, what will we be hearing today:
MISS ELIZABETH:
The Too True True Crime segment about model railroading, bingo, and someone who has become a friend of mine. We’re going to hear all about Mr. Cherries, the algebra-solving horse and the crime he got mixed up in.
Before we get to all that funtime goodness, let’s check in with The Smile Syndicate Chart. Another explosive week. Dreams fulfilled, hopes dashed, suffering, pain, hope, redemption. It’s probably no surprise that a song that debuted during April Insanity is making an impact on the charts. This week, coming in at Number 3 with a bullet, it’s The Smile Syndicate and TOO! LEGIT! TO! QUIT!
THE SMILE SYNDICATE CHARTS – Too Legit To Quit
This is the song that kicked off April Insanity. You’re probably dancing like crazy still, so settle down, have a seat, we still have lots of show left.
I guess we should give you an update on something else that happened during the last episode.
QUICK JORG UPDATE
Jorg, the host of Jorg Presents: The Ultimate Death Metal Hour podcast, which Miss Elizabeth also co-hosts, have been feuding for months. It escalated, we pranked each other, it led to Jorg threatening to sue me. Miss Elizabeth stepped in, set up a roundtable, and we had Jorg on the show last week.
Miss Elizabeth tried her best, she even suggested we join forces to create a new podcasting network, but we couldn’t reach an agreement. Jorg was completely out of line. I was reasonable. It ended as things usually do – with a challenge to a duel and firm acceptance. We’re going to be having a Bulgarian Mountain Duel – two men, two unicycles, one joust – one winner.
I’ve started looking at getting a unicycle. I went to a Ben’s Bikes – told him what I needed. I wanted him to go through the joust-specific features of his unicycles. He was kinda confused. I told him – no no I don’t want light. I want heavy. It’s gotta be like a tank. And stable, because I’m gonna be charging full steam at a guy, I’m going to be holding this lance. Victory is the only option. I was kinda raising my voice by that point, describing this to him. He told me he’d look into it.
I’ll keep you posted. It’s going to happen soon. I’m trying to set a date with Jorg. We’re doing it over text. We just keep texting insults back and forth. I’ll happen before the summer. I’ve gotta hustle and get my lance made and get some armor going.
Well, let’s turn to something positive. Something that will change your life. The most accurate horoscope on the Internet, on the radio, in the press.
It’s the
ACCUSCOPE HOROSCOPE
<START MUSIC>
We’re going to outer space and inner mind. Let’s tune our minds and get ready to receive messages that are going to change you in ways you can’t expect.
You want a horoscope to be accurate and be actionable. You have to be able to do something with the information, otherwise what’s the point. This is the only science-based horoscope. We tap into the power of the subconscious. We tune into those specific frequencies that untap the quanta, that let us receive and interpret messages from the future. Listen close and if you do what the Accuscope Horoscope says, everything will change.
TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) – People are starting to notice your solitary rowboat trips to the middle of the lake.
GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) – A man wearing a carnation will whisper something to you that could change your life. But it’ll be in a language you don’t currently understand. Hit the books now, or you’ll regret it forever.
CANCER (June 21 to July 22) – Starting this fall, you’re going to be glad you held on to all those leather ties you had in the 80s.
LEO (July 23 to August 22) – You’re a no-good rageaholic. Sorry if this makes you mad, but this whole hot-tempered thing isn’t cute anymore.
VIRGO (August 23 to September 22) – Buy the most luxurious, stunning gown you can find. Your life is about to become Dancing With The Stars. Vive la Dance!
LIBRA (September 23 to October 22) – You may be waist-deep in a rain barrel right now… I’m glad it’s not me.
SCORPIO (October 23 to November 21) – That touque is pretty much your calling card. You’ll have to wear it year-round now otherwise people will be disappointed.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 to December 21) – Money is not a worry for a successful bank robber.
CAPRICORN (December 22 to January 19) – Get really good at walking backwards. Trust me.
AQUARIUS (January 20 to February 18) – A smiling man from Spain will approach you and ask you to grapple. Don’t do it.
PISCES (February 19 to March 20) – The sign of the Fishman. You have many secrets. But you’re very good at keeping them. So, carry on.
ARIES (March 21-April 19) – You’ll awake from a nightmare in the middle of a cross-ocean flight. You’ll grab the nearest flight attendant and shout, “What year is it?! WHAT YEAR IS IT?!” Upon finding out, you will begin to calm down. But a person 3 rows back has made a note of this incident.
HORPTO (leap years) – Even though you and your friends can barely play, your neighbours are loving your garage band. Don’t bother tuning up, just crank those amps and let the good times roll!
We’ve given you a lot of powerful information. A lot to digest. So as your brain begins working, let’s give it something to really help this process along. Some music.
So, Miss Elizabeth, wheel the Round Wheel of Mystery on over here. We will do what it commands. Hopefully, it’s just to play a Smile Syndicate song, but who knows.
Miss Elizabeth, spin that thing.
THE SMILE SYNDICATE JUKEBOX – I Won’t Waffle
Featured back in 2015. The title track from the 2nd Smile Syndicate album. A shout of defiance, straight out of the breakfast nook. Listen to this one and get energized.
Let us now put aside our animosities, put our hands on each other’s shoulders, look each other in the eye, then we both suddenly turn our heads towards the Smile Syndicate Jukebox and say in unison: “Jukebox, play us a song.”
PAID ANNOUNCEMENT
(JASON)
Today’s episode of The Smile Syndicate Music Hour is brought to you by Elite Home Cleaners, Smileton’s premiere cleaning service. Our 12 years of experience has taught us one thing, most of Smileton’s residents were raised in barns. Nothing else could explain the state of so many of your homes. It wouldn’t kill you to pick up a mop or vacuum once in a while. But because you’d rather live in a shameful hovel instead of a clean home, we’ll be able to stay in business pretty much forever. Our certified professionals are equipped to deal with the most appalling messes. They can tackle baked-in filth, dust, cobwebs, dead animals, and decades of refuse. You don’t even have to leave your home – though you should because it smells terrible and you could use some fresh air and sunlight once in a while. Once we’re finished with your place, it will be merely mediocre instead of being fit for demolition. Call us today, and get us over there. Elite Home Cleaners. We clean because you won’t.
MISS ELIZABETH’S SECOND PICK
This segment comes from The Streaking episode, which was first heard on January 21, 2019. It’s a gripping tale of true crime and it’s got everything – model trains, bingo and the introduction of the beloved horse Mr. Cherries, who, as we recently told you, is now a resident of Smileton. Pop some popcorn and enjoy this epic tale.
TOO TRUE TRUE CRIME – Big Hat, Montana – MR. CHERRIES ( from The Streakening)
PLUGS
Twitter, Facebook, Nexaphoid. Crowd-source prescriptions. You post your ailment in a message board. If you get 10 replies and they pretty much agree what pill you need, you’ll get your pills sent to you via courier. These are knock-off pills, but they work. We’re on there. I’ve been prescribing up a storm. The threads that I’m on, the people are reporting the feel much better. When we all get together to solve a problem, good things can happen.
Patreon, YouTube, visit the.smilesyndicate.com.
MARQUEE SONG SLOT – Shall We Rock?
BYE BYE
That’s it! We hope you enjoyed the show. If you did, you are going to LOVE the benefits of membership in The Smile Squad! Join our just cause as we pursue the values of independent music, side-splitting comedy, fantastic histories, true mysteries, and smiles in general.
Go to Patreon.com/thesmilesyndicate and select the level of membership that feels most comfortable to you, remembering that sometimes it pays to push beyond your comfort zone. Patrons of The Smile Syndicate get extra stuff, including SHOW NOTES and the secret (but shareable) knowledge that you are supporting true independent art directly out of Smileton, Planet Earth.
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As always, remember friend, the sun is a jukebox.
