Hello and welcome to the Smile Syndicate Music Hour – the home of Funtime music. Check us out on Patreon.com/thesmilesyndicate and join the Smile Squad!
I’m excited to hear today’s songs. Let’s go, Jason!
Thanks, Miss Elizabeth. Hello, friend. Thanks very much for downloading and listening to today’s episode. This small gesture of yours means the world to us so we will not let this opportunity pass us by. We’re going to do our best to keep you entertained through our Funtime songs and Funtime entertainment caperings. This hour you’re about to spend with us is gonna be like eating ice cream on a roller coaster while watching the new Star Wars movie – too much of a good thing that you’ll want to do again as soon as it’s over.
If this is your first time here, welcome. We think you’re going to have the time of your life over the next hour. And if you’re a returning friend, thanks very much as always. If you’re liking the show, please tell people. Get them hooked on the Funtime vibe we’ve got going here. This podcast family of ours is growing by the week and it’s making the show better so let’s keep this going.
As you can probably tell from the background sound, we’re on the plane again. We’re in the thick of Summer Commotion 2019 – that special summertime celebration of Funtime music and entertainment. Earlier this month, we were in Jamaica, last week we were in Hawaii. In both locales we were lounging on the beach, lazily delivering the finest in Funtime comedy content. Throughout those shows, I was liable to pick up a guitar and croon a Smile Syndicate classic song every now and then. In between, we’re on a big ol’ jet airliner. So one more travel day for us – we’re headed to our next summertime destination at suprasonic speed. Once again, Miss Elizabeth is up in first class. I’m stuck at the very back of the plane, sitting on an old crate. Luggage all over me. It’s terrible. But I’m not going to spend the show complaining. I’m going to smile through the pain. And what better way to cheer yourself up than jumping on a funbomb, yelling “bombs away” at the pilot and riding that 5-thousand pound sucker all the way down to the ground. It blows up and everyone in a 20 mile radius is laughin’ and singin’ and dancin’. Don’t try growing anything in this area, anymore, though – the funwaves have irradiated the soil and have made it deader than the moon.
Our new noise cancelling device, which has been working great so far to get rid of the annoying surf and plane noises got some sand it in during our stay in Hawaii. It’s not working right, but we still need to deal with these rumbling jet engines. We can’t have them roaring away through the whole show. On the way onto the plane, I spoke to the captain and asked if, later in the flight, at my signal, if he could turn the engines off for an hour or so and just let us glide for a while, that would really help us record this episode. The pilot readily agreed – he just said “you want to make my job way easier for an hour? Not having to worry about those crummy engines? Just gliding like a bird? No problem!” So, how about I now give the signal….
Hey – excuse me. Yes. Could you please turn the engines off? Yes, turn them off. For an hour or so – the captain said he would. Huh? Yes, that’s right. Thanks very much.
Now let’s see if they do it. If the engines don’t go off, I think I may have to go up there and explain our situation because there’s no way we can – – oh, well, okay. That’s better.
Let’s start the fun by checking in with that ghastly bloodbath of a bruising, battering music chart. The Smile Syndicate Music Chart is the most psychotic, blood-crazed, sociopathic music chart in the business. The songs go at each other like crazed predators from the dinosaur days. Clawing and biting and stomping and hitting with the tail with the spike-things. Those with a weak stomach are advised to close their eyes. But even these cowards have to know who’s coming out on top this week. You won’t be surprised that a newcomer from the boonies has swaggered into town, stolen the girlfriends of all the other songs, and has formally pronounced himself the Big Bad Man. Other songs grit their teeth in frustration, but what can they do – which one is man enough to take a run at the new sherrif in town?
This week, coming in at Number 3 with a bullet, this is the Smile Syndicate with GET THEE TO A DISCO!
Hit it, kids!
THE SMILE SYNDICATE CHART – Get Thee To A Disco
That was Get Thee To A Disco, by the Smile Syndicate, right here on the Smile Syndicate Music Hour. That’s a new one and it’s already burrowed its way into the hearts of Smile Syndicate fans like a friendly worm. We’ve got more music to come, that’s for SURE – we’re gonna spin that cursed Round Wheel of Mystery, and obey its twisted commands. Usually, it’s play a song from the Smile Syndicate Jukebox. Sometimes, it’s a bizarre command that serves no earthly purpose. Sometimes it’s a test of human morality and will – your soul screams NO but the wheel’s will is strong. You must resist but how long can you hold out? Hopefully it doesn’t come to that this time and we just end up playing a song. And the Marquee Song Slot, we’re debuting a BRAND NEW SMILE SYNDICATE SONG. This one is called NEW PLANETOID. You will passionately love this song – guaranteed.
And we’ve got plenty of Funtime entertainment on tap as well. I’ve got another update in the ongoing saga of my life coach Jerry. He’s on the run from an international criminal syndicate and this week something bizarre, unsettling, preposterous happened. The full rundown is later in the show
We’re nearing the end of Summer Commotion 2019. Hawaii was a treat last week. Nice beach, singing songs. Made some friends. Tried that fiery jump rope thing. Burned my Crocs right off my feet.
But we couldn’t stay there all month, so we’ve taken to the skies again. Soaring like a bird in a 767 with its engines off. Just gliding to our next destination. The grand finale of Summer Commotion 2019 will be next week. We’ll be broadcasting from another sunny locale, there’ll be live performances of a bunch of songs, and Jorg and I will face off in the first game show every presented on The Smile Syndicate Music Hour – The Death Metal Quiz. This quiz is gonna make Jeopardy look like Duh, What’s That? It’s gonna be great.
But for now, we’re going to gird ourselves and let the show be contaminated by content from another one of Miss Elizabeth’s 87 other podcasts that she does. She’s going to be bringing you a death metal update. And yes, I do want to talk a little more about the challenge Jorg laid down last week. But for now, Miss Elizabeth, if you please, what’s been going on in the death metal community this week?
DEATH METAL UPDATE
SPINE OF MADNESS BREAKUP?
Orlando, Florida’s death metal ambassadors Spine of Madness may have broken up. This has shocked the death metal community since Spine Of Madness was clearly a band on their way up. They released their sophomore album “Grandfather Cannibal Crusade” last year to five-star reviews from every single death metal fan around the world. This was a band that seemed to be on top of the world. But a YouTube video has surfaced which shows the band having a meeting at an Arby’s somewhere in Wisconsin. As we see from the footage, what should have been a productive, delicious meeting, turned into a distressing picture of a band in turmoil. Singer Otto von Mismark can be seen talking loudly while refering to a hand-drawn picture of the globe. He was likely plotting the next offensive in the band’s campaign to take over the death metal world. While he was distracted, guitarist Freaky Sneef reached over, grabbed the singer’s bacon cheddar melt and defiantly took a bite. von Mismark saw this outrageous act of insubordination and was stunned into silence. Needless to say, the band fractured. Bassist Oggly Barnes sided with Sneef while the band’s three drummers (the Stadler triplets) all sided with von Mismark. It’s not known what prompted Freaky Sneef’s sandwich theft. What is clear is that Spine of Madness’s future is in doubt. Interestingly, the person who shot the YouTube video was able to obtain the bacon cheddar melt after the band left the restaurant without cleaning up after themselves. It is on eBay and the current highest bid is $7,500. The auction closes in 3 days so if you want to own a piece of death metal history, get on eBay and make a bid!
DEATH METAL COMMUNITY OUTREACH
Local Death Metal expert, podcaster and community organizer Jorg Flurnstadt has another charitable trick up his sleeve. Mr.rnstadt has started up a new community outreach program called Turn Up and Turn It Up. Through this program, local death metal bands visit retirement homes to fill its residents ears and minds with life-affirming diabolical visions, sounds and conceptions. Says Flurnstadt, “What we’re talking about here is death metal bands showing up with all their gear, blasting these retirement homes with life-changing music, and they’re doing it all purely out of love for their craft and a desire to share the wondrous gift of death metal.” Residents thrill to the songs and are encouraged to pick up an instrument and join in. When asked about his favorite memory from the program so far, Flurnstad pauses to collect himself, before saying “I recall a recent visit I witnessed. A lovely resident named Violet sat down at a harp and joined in with a local death metal band. She plucked the dickens out of that thing, all the while screaming an improvised vocal about cannibal grave robbers. You’d have to have a heart of stone to not be utterly enchanted with this.”
Jorg Flurnstadt continues to make a difference and Smileton is lucky to have him.
JASON: Last week, Jorg sent an a question to the mailbag in which he challenged me to a Death Metal Quiz. He called me a chicken. Outrageous. I’ve accepted and he’s going to be on this show next week. We’re going to pollute SUMMER COMMOTION 2019 with nonsense. He’s going to show up and we’ll turn this show in to a circus. Miss Elizabeth will be the quiz master and Jorg and I will go head to head in a Death Metal Quiz to the Death. I can’t wait. Once I win, Jorg will be left with literally nothing. He’ll be an empty shell. A hollow spectre, haunting this town, no longer able to interact with the material world. Next week. This is going to be great.
COUNT VILIFIA UPDATE
Good news for fans of Smile Bride guitarist Count Vilifia! Listeners of past editions of this update have heard me describe the epic journey that Count Vilifia undertook after his beloved guitar was stolen. Famed for its appearance on classic Slime Bride albums, along with its ability to shoot smoke, spurt blood and its being twice as loud as a normal guitar, the guitar was almost as legendary as its player. Unfortunately, the guitar was stolen and bounced from owner to owner. ebay, Craigslist, Kijiji – the guitar was liable to pop up anywhere, usually selling for between $240 and $265 dollars. Vilifia chased every ad, running from town to town, the guitar always eluding his grasp. He hopped trains, hitchhiked and walked, crisscrossing North America in pursuit of his beloved. Pranksters made the job difficult, posting fake ads and taking Vilifia thousands of miles off course. But he persevered. This week, this reporter searched eBay, found the guitar with a Buy It Now price of $255 dollars, and purchased it on behalf of the Count.
I was able to reach the Count, who spoke to me from a payphone outside a diner on the outskirts of Phoenix. He dissolved in tears when I told him I had his guitar, it is safe and it is his again. I sent the guitar via courier to Count Vilifia and got confirmation yesterday that the Count has now received the guitar. Both are now resting comfortably at home.
CLUTCHING AT THROATS – The Devil Says Yee-Haw
SLIME BRIDE – Pass Me The Fiddle! – Live from the Grand ol’ Opry
COWBOYS OF OLD – Cannibal Crypt of the Death-Doomed
Which top tier death metal band is fuming behind the scenes after a so-called priest bilked the band for thousands of dollars and made off with all their equipment? Spies tell me that this band, noted for chanting undead hymns of darkness to the moon mistress, was tricked by a shyster who, posing as a priest, convinced the band that the failure of their previous two albums was due to their studio being possesssed by a death metal-hating rouge demon. The conman told the band the only way to be rid of it was for him to come in and perform an exorcism in the studio. He reportedly received a $75,000 fee for the ritual. It was performed early this year and by all accounts it was unsuccessful. The day after the ritual, the band entered the studio to find all its equipment stolen and half the studio burned down due to a pizza pocket being left in a toaster oven overnight. This was enough to convince the band that the priest was incompetent and that their studio was still haunted. Here’s hoping the boys “dig their way out of this one” and that they find that conman and help him “shed his mortal coil with Hades on the boil.”
That was the death metal update. And we aren’t done with the supernatural crazy times yet, because we have to deal with a cursed messenger from the Twisted Beyond. The Round Wheel of Mystery, back at Smile Syndicate HQ, is some possessed object that’s been telling us what to do for months. Usually, it’s play a Smile Syndicate song, but sometimes it’s a command of a grimmer nature. We were told to “buy 12 wheelbarrows” once. Another time it just said “Summon me”. We thought we were safe from it for a while, being away from Smile Syndicate HQ for the whole month doing Summer Commotion, but we were mistaken. It’s sent us a text, it’s sent us a telegram, and today, when we were boarding a plane, some punk kid had a T-shirt that said “The wheel has spun and it wills that you play BANANA BUS.” I asked him where he got the shirt and he looked horrified and said – my shirt didn’t say anything at all when I got on the plane! That’s some powerful wheel that can write messages on T-shirts from 5000 miles away, so we’d better do as it says.
So, let’s get casual, take a sock off, undo one of the straps on your overalls, settle back in the big wicker music listening chair, and saw with one voice – “Jukebox, play us a song.”
THE SMILE SYNDICATE JUKEBOX – Banana Bus
Banana Bus, burning up the digital streaming services. It’s the runaway top Smile Syndicate song on Spotify. We’re playing it here. You heard it at the mall – you can’t get away from that thing!
Speaking of getting away, I’d like to talk about someone who’s definitely trying to “get away” from his problems – my life coach Jerry.
THE JERRY CHRONICLES
Got a weird phone call from Jerry.
He’s started listening to KHAR. KHAR’s calling the shots. He’s been off the radar for weeks now. He’s done such a good job of going underground that he’s starting to get twitchy. He says stuff like “I’m goin’ snake over here, man.” “Feels like I got bugs crawlin’ on me.” KHAR goes off on his own, comes back with groceries. Jerry doesn’t ask where he got them from. They’re like the Bonnie and Clyde of hiding from criminal syndicates.
So, Jerry is avoiding Lefty and Righty – always on the move. I get calls or texts every so often. But it can’t keep going like this. Eventually that car is going to get picked up for shoplifting and then where will Jerry be?
Tammy is worried about Jerry – she’s called me a couple of times. She’s over the house getting destroyed. Just wants him back. She’s kind of a hothead so I hope she doesn’t go after Lefty and Righty herself. She’d take both of them out, no problem. She freaked after the wrecking ball did that damage to their house – she took a sledgehammer and finished the job herself. The whole place was gone. Then, somehow, she got insurance to cover it. It’s being built now and it’ll be better than the old house.
So a few days ago, Jerry texts to meet at Vacant Warehouse – K’Vinnn has reserved a private room for us. He’s also asked Tammy to meet us there.
I get there and the Mayor is on stage, doing her terrible beatnik poetry stuff – “cool kat!” And snapping her fingers. It’s really crowded – her act is really catching on. She’s really getting full of herself.
K’Vinnn – Italian suit, way too small, looks ridiculous. Unlit cigar in his mouth. Big gold rings. He shaves his head, but he wanted to have the slicked back look, so he just oiled his head. The overall effect is baffling.
Blames me for Jerry’s troubles. “You’re supposed to be looking out for him!” He’s my life coach, not my little brother. “You really are a bad influence. You never should have let him hook up with that incompetent boob Johnny Denver.”
I just snapped- “you just watch your mouth. You WATCH that mouth. I won’t have you saying one more word about Johnny Denver!” I don’t know why I came on so strong, but K’Vinnn’s setup was irresistible – it demanded a completely outraged response.
He’s more arrogant than ever. He’s decided to up the flash – he looks ridiculous. He’s barking at his staff. He got crazy thing in his teeth where he smiles and it says “HIGH ROLLER” spelled out in diamonds. It’s really hard to read so you have to get real close to read it. He just stands there with a crazy grin while you squint and get up close.
Jerry hasn’t shown up yet. I’m sick of being here. The mayor’s doing her ‘kool kat’ thing and it doesn’t look like she’ll ever stop.
Then, suddenly it’s over. Everyone in the place goes crazy. They’re demanding an encore. The Mayor says “maybe next time, friends!” And leaves the stage. Then this nerdy looking guy gets on stage. No one knows what to make of it. Then he starts yodelling and it’s the most beautiful sound you ever heard. The place is shocked into silence. No one moves. Just the sound of heavenly yodelling filling room. Then, one by one, people start sobbing. Everyone’s just transfixed.
Suddenly this black pickup crashes through the wall. Like the Kool-Aid man – OH YEAHHHH! I recognize that calling card – Lefty and Righty again.
K’Vinnn’s cool is shattered. What the F?! He was screaming “What in the actual F? My f-ing wall has a f-ing trucked shape f-ing hole in it.
And which of you a-holes yelled “oh, yeahhh” – that isn’t funny. You’re paying for that wall. I don’t care who you work for.”
They hop out of the truck and approach. “Calm down, calm down. WE’re just here to ask some questions.”
Why’d you crash through the wall, then?
“We just want to talk to Jerry. He’s slippery and we can’t catch him. We’re worried about Johnny. He hasn’t called – we’re worried something terrible has happened. If Jerry knows anything, he’d better tell us right now. We gotta help Johnny.” They sound like they just want to find Johnny, but who knows if they can be trusted. They’re henchmen, after all.
So we’re standing there talking with Lefty and Righty when Jerry and Tammy come walking in. Jerry sees Lefty and Righty and screams. Takes off. Hops in KHAR and they go barrelling out of the parking lot.
Lefty and Righty jump in the truck. Tammy goes “you’re not leaving without me” and jumps in the back of the truck. She yells “c’mon!” and I hop right in. They do a couple of doughnuts in the place, knocking over tables, messing up the floor. I’m banging on the roof of the truck yelling “yeah! Yeah! Go go!”
Car chase – Jerry’s obviously not the one driving. KHAR is like a James Bond car -Spraying oil, flames, smoke, clouds of glitter, Tim Hortons cups, half-eaten bags of kettle corn – the last couple might have just been Jerry.
Eventually we’re at the airport. KHAR bursts through the fence, on to the tarmac. They’re heading straight for this hot pink Cesna. Jerry jumps in, starts the plane up and takes off. KHAR takes off. Finally, the police have shown up. And right behind them, news vans, reporters on scooters, some guy parachuted in. It’s a complete circus now.
Jerry starts buzzing the control tower in the plane. Flying erratically. Tammy calls his cell. Jerry apologizes to her for everything.
Not good – he’s going to do something serious. Jerry – “we all just have to get together. It’s too much fighting and chasing. I don’t want to spray oil anymore. We have to unite. We have to unite. It’s all we can do – unite.”
The whole scene is on the news. All the cameras are pointed up at the plane. Jerry starts skywriting. Not very good. He starts with a U. He’s probably gonna write UNITE. The U is pretty clear, but then he starts having trouble. The reporters on TV are saying the letters out loud as he spells them. “U – R, I think? I think it’s an R.”
“What’s he trying to spell? U-R-I” Jerry just makes a mess of the T. Finishes with a lower case E.
“UR…..INE. Urine. Ladies and gentlemen, he’s spelling URINE. Who is that idiot up there?” I step forward proudly and say “that’s my life coach, dammit.” One reporter goes “what?” I had no follow up so I just said “nevermind.”
Tammy’s yelling into the phone, telling Jerry to land. “Jerry, you stole a plane, you wrote URINE in the sky. Everyone’s seeing this live. Just land and we can figure this out. ”
Jerry looks like he’s trying to cross out the URINE and try again. FInally, his skywriting smoke runs out so he just starts flying straight. Tammy’s yelling at him to come back.
He says he can’t – his phone is nearly dead, he has to go. He says he’ll be in touch soon.
Everyone’s in an uproar. The police are trying to figure out whether to chase him with a police plane and have a dogfight.
Lefty and Righty approach. They look like they’re actually worried about Jerry. “That nut better not kill himself before he tells us what he knows.”
I say I don’t think he knows anything – he’s not involved. “Well, with Johnny missing, the big cheese has had to step in to run Western Canada. He’s not as happy-go-lucky as Johnny is. Gotta tell ya, we’re missing our old boss right now.”
I shudder. I know full well who runs the Third Rhombus in Canada. Willie Nelson. NO NOT THE COUNTRY SINGER. I really wish he’d go by a different name because you should be getting the chills when you hear that name, not humming “Georgia On My Mind” or something.
So, after skywriting URINE for the whole world to see, Jerry flies off. Then I see there’s another plane up there – a black bi-plane. It looks like it’s following Jerry.
Now with Willie Nelson involved, mysterious bi-planes, skywriting upsetting a bunch of people – who the hell knows what can happen next?
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Fleffo – the highest stakes social network there is. You blather on there and follow other people who blather on there. The thing is, though, you can only follow one person. The way you get other followers is to steal them from other users. So, you want to have Brad Pitt following you on Fleffo? Or how about Beyonce? Well you’d better get after it. Find out which user they’re following and hunt them down. FIght it out – virtually or for real – make that follower your own. There’s one guy in Australia who has both living Beatles plus Mick Jagger. People are coming at him HARD – he can’t stay in one place for more than an hour. So if you think you can take the heat, join the party. Not sure if you can follow us, I think The Smile Syndicate is being followed by someone in Australia. Go find that user, fight him and see if you can steal us away from him.
MARQUEE SONG SLOT – New Planetoid
This song is about a journey of discovery, it’s about second chances, it’s about a new way of livin’. So, if you’d be so kind, put down the submarine sandwich, put down the bowl of sunflower seeds, stop eating Alfa-ghetti out of the can. Instead, prepare yourself for launch. This trip is going to change you. How much is a ticket? Oh, my friend, it’s no charge. The only thing we ask of you is that you…. Listen….
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So it’s bye bye from Jason.
And bye bye from me. See you next week.
And as always, remember friend, the sun is a jukebox.