Hello and welcome to the Smile Syndicate Music Hour – the home of Funtime music. Check us out on Patreon.com/thesmilesyndicate and join the Smile Squad!
I’m excited to hear today’s songs. Let’s go, Jason!
Thanks, Miss Elizabeth, and hello, friend. Thank you very much for downloading and listening to today’s episode. If this is your first time listening, welcome! You’ve picked a great episode to start your journey with. This is the kick-off to Summer Commotion 2019, that sunny, summertime celebration of Funtime Music and Entertainment.
You might notice there’s some stuff going on in the background. Well, that’s because we’re not behind the re-enforced walls of Smile Syndicate HQ. Nope – we’re in beautiful Jamaica. When we were planning Summer Commotion, we got a lot of feedback from our fans in Jamaica saying if we didn’t make coming to Jamaica part of the celebrations, it would be an outrage. A disgrace. Deeply shameful. So we listened and we made Jamaica our first stop! FIRST stop?! Oh, yes, my friends, all this month, Summer Commotion is going to see us either enjoying the sun and waves in some lush location, or it will feature us grimly making the long journey to our next port of call. Either way, plenty of Funtime Music and Funtime fun headed your way.
We’re really enjoying Jamaica. We’ve made a bunch of new friends down here already. Everything’s been good so far. People heard about the duel, so I’m getting lots of playful challenges. I just smile and say I can only joust on a unicycle once every six months. It’s just to physically demanding.
Miss Elizabeth, definitely has her dance card full. Other podcasts she’s on caught wind of what we were up to for Summer Commotion and decided to tag along. So while my plan for today is to soak up the sun and record a fun podcast episode, Miss Elizabeth has abut 8 other shows to do today.
Talkin’ Classic Cars
C’est impossible! – the French improv comedy show
Fun and Feathers – an exotic bird fancier podcast
Along with a couple of microphones and a big reel-to-reel tape recorder, we’ve also brought another piece of equipment – a state-of-the-art noise canceler. Sure, the sound of the surf and the music is good and all, but at some point, you go, enough. So, let’s turn that thing on and see how it works.
Wow – much better.
We’re gonna tell you all about what to expect on today’s show, but let’s first get to one of the main features of Summer Commotion. I’m gonna get up from this microphone, walk but a few feet away, pick up a guitar and do a Smile Syndicate right now. We’re gonna leave the bloodshed and violence of the Smile Syndicate Chart behind today. No more weirdness with the Round Wheel of Mystery telling us which songs to play. We’re just here to party and make enjoying Funtime Music and Funtime Fun easy like Sunday morning.
Let’s do it!
SONG NO. 1 – Zip It
That, of course, was Zip It. A sassy little number to get Summer Commotion off on the right foot.
We’re off to a good start, but what’s next on the beach blanket bingo card?
More music, that’s for sure. I’ll be doing a couple more songs. So talking for half an hour before I do the next one is a good idea. So lots of music. What about the Funtime Entertainment?
You’re gonna get hit full force on that front, too. It’s the first episode of the month, so that means it’s time for Accuscope Horoscope.
And we’re got a BRAND NEW segment for you – The Smileton Community Message Board
We’ve also got a great paid advertisement for you. Normally, we don’t highlight that as a feature, because who gets excited by an ad, but in this case, the sponsor has been great. They didn’t realize what they were signing up for when they sponsored this episode – flying the show to Jamaica, basically. When the Food Court regulars heard about the Jamaica Plan, they wanted in. I said sure – told our sponsor. They squawked – I reminded them of their promise. They paid. And now, my buddies are here – Jasper Joseph, Patricia, Cranky Neil and Sidewinder. I made a pre-condition of their coming along that they give up hacky sack forever.
Miss Elizabeth also brought along a Smileton pal. Not anyone from Jorg Presents: The Ultimate Death Metal Podcast. Who’d you bring?
Tiffany, from Tiffany’s Forge.
Key member of the Miss Elizabeth: Investigator of Supernatural Mysteries mystery-solving team.
I’m a little disappoined in the Food Court Regulars. We all flew down here together. I thought it might be fun to have them on the show, chiming in once in a while. But as soon as we got off the plane, voom, they were gone. Kind of annoyed. I’ll teach them a lesson and cancel their return tickets.
Before I call the airline, let’s get on to something more positive. We may be sitting on the beach, but the stars are still above us. And the depths of the Inner Mind are no less busy, churning and burning and sending up messages that can help orient us, educate us, guide us. Prepare yourself for the Accuscope Horoscope.
CANCER (June 21 to July 22) – If you’re wondering why no one’s invited you to go on a picnic lately, it’s because of that bloody lute you insist on bringing along. Let me eat my egg salad sandwich in peace without your infernal plinkering.
LEO (July 23 to August 22) – If everybody knows about it, you really can’t keep calling it a “secret cabin.”
VIRGO (August 23 to September 22) – The problem with finding the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow is having to deal with the bare-chested leprechaun with a knife between his teeth. Better to go buy gold like normal people do.
LIBRA (September 23 to October 22) – Stealing cadavers so that you could literally have skeletons in the closet is a great gag on paper, but actually doing it is another matter.
SCORPIO (October 23 to November 21) – Next time you’re stuck in traffic, put on some calming music. Breathe deeply. Count to 10. Then get out, go to the trunk, get out the sledgehammer and Get. To. Work. on the car in front of you.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 to December 21) – I hate the term “fits me like a glove”. I’ve never found a comfortable glove. Too tight, fingers too short, my hands get too hot. Something fitting like a glove is something you DON’T want. Jeepers.
CAPRICORN (December 22 to January 19) – If you’ve got a bad feeling about something where you’re uneasy and something smells fishy, first make sure you’re not at a fish monger’s.
AQUARIUS (January 20 to February 18) – Jupiter is wobbling on its axis after a rogue planet smashed into it last week. Other signs will be unaffected, but, you, Aquarius, are in for a world of hurt. Some bad stuff coming your way. Not normal bad, but the “WHAT IS THIS?” -kind of bad. Keep your hardhat on. You’ll be fine. You’ll just forgive the rest of us for keeping our distance for a little while.
PISCES (February 19 to March 20) – The sign of the Fishman. The universe likes playing jokes sometimes and for all of this month, you can do whatever you want without repercussions. Anything you want, you’ll get away with it scot-free. Bear in mind, however, that, depending on what you get up to, you may not be asked back into future Accuscope Horoscopes.
ARIES (March 21-April 19) – The number 5 is gonna figure very large in the next month. I don’t have a good feeling about it at all, so just avoid it for the month.
TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) – People are sick of you correcting them. “It’s marmalade, not jam!” You called your business Jenny’s Jams, so you’re to blame for the mistake, not them.
GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) – A relationship that was damaged because of your thoughtlessness can still be repaired. Reach out, make amends. You may be surprised at the outcome. In your case, it’ll be that the person you thought was your friend turns out to have been an android replicant all along. So what are you apologizing for? Machines don’t have feelings!
HORPTO (leap years) – People look at you funny for always carrying that shoebox full of earth around, but the joke’s on them. Sticking your hand in that cool dirt really makes you feel grounded and calm. Keep doing it. Maybe switch to a big freezer bag instead for increased portability.
WHOOP – just got a text. The Round Wheel Of Mystery is texting me! I don’t like this. It’s tell me to play “The Sun Is A Jukebox 2000”. I was going to do somethng else, but I don’t want to risk upsetting the wheel. Even at this great distance we’re all still in its grasp.
SONG NO.2 – The Sun Is A Jukebox 2000
I tell you what, folks, if you’re gonna record a podast, I highly recommend travelling to Jamaica to do it. It’s pretty much the perfect place for it – lots of sun, sand, and the acoustics are great, no matter where you go.
After we wrap up recording today’s show, we’re going to head out for a bite to eat. I talked to one of the life guards here, Jonathan. He asked what we were planning for fun while here in Jamaica. I told him, well, how about eating like a king, for starters? Then I go, could you please tell me which of the McDonald’s locations you have in your fair land is the best? He just laughed, patted me on the shoulder and said “good luck to you, my friend. Good luck.” He wandered off to go save somebody or something.
But yeah, the welcome has been warm here. And it’s time to say thank you to the sponsor who made this possible. I’m going to read the ad copy he provided. He coughed up a lot of money to send the whole show down here, so we should probably do him the favor of giving his fine business our undivided attention.
Today’s episode of the Smile Syndicate Music Hour is brought to you by Razorback Chopping Blocks. When you’ve got something nasty that needs to be in smaller pieces for easier disposal, it’s gotta be a Razorback.
I don’t care what you use to do your cutting – hacksaw, sledgehammer, hammer, maybe you stab on in there with a screwdriver and start tearing – whatever you use, our blocks are up to the challenge. You aren’t chipping a piece off, you aren’t wearing it out, you damn sure ain’t dropping it on the ground and breaking it. If it comes down to making a bet between a shmuck like you and my chopping board, my money’s on the board.
Some of you customers might be asking where do I source the material for my chop boards. I’m gonna tell you to mind your own damn business. You got something crazy, big, dangerous to chop up, use one of my boards. I don’t know what else to tell ya.
For all you good Smileton people, I’m gonna give you a special deal. It’s free shipping for all orders this month. To order, just text 13-9-0h-niner, say how many boards you want, and I’ll have one of my boys drive over to you. You buy it right out of our van. No fuss, no muss, nobody gets hurt. And nobody else needs to know about our transaction. Got it?
That’s Razorback Chopping Blocks. When you gotta chop, for god’s sake, use my block.
There’s no doubt The Smile Syndicate Music Hour is the most community podcast around. Our town of Smileton already features quite heavily in the show. Telling you all about our trials and tribulations, all the crazy things that happen here is definitely an important part of the show. So we figured if some is good, more is better. So we wanted to come up with a way to have even more community involvement in the show. “Oh, good, you’re going to have more people from the town be on the show.” Whoa – okay, let’s not get nuts here. That would be fine, but I think there’s a better idea. What if we put up a message board, like a proper radio show, and have our town place ads in it. They get the word out, they find new friends, find someone to buy their old golf ball washer, track down a long-lost classmate and get revenge on them. So the people of Smileton have been sending us loads of items and we’d like to cover some of them here.
If you have a posting for the Community Message Board, just send it in to firstname.lastname@example.org and put Community Message Board in the title.
Miss Elizabeth, what’s our first message?
MISS ELIZABETH: WANTED: front half of horse costume. Lost mine horsing around at the lake. I don’t want to buy a whole other horse costume so if anyone else out there has an extra front half sitting around, I’ll pay a good price. Please – I’m feeling naked right now. HERBERT H, MAILBOX NO. 3522
JASON: Are you interested in stealing groceries? Big upside, big risk – DON’T BE STUPID. Learn from a pro and do it the right way. I’ve got 20 years’ experience stealing milk, wieners and crackers. I’ve distilled my knowledge into a pamphlet. Send me a message and I’ll tell you how you can get YOUR copy TODAY. MIKE J, MAILBOX 5550
MISS ELIZABETH: WANTED: Vocalist, guitarist, bass player, drummer, keyboard player to form band. Get together and let me know how it goes! STEPHAN K, MAILBOX 6153
JASON: ATTENTION JACKASS IN THE BLACK TRUCK: Good thinking filling the back of your crummy truck with popcorn and driving around with no cover on it. I was driving behind you for 10 minutes and my car got coated in butter and salt. I’m gonna have to sell it now. THANKS FOR NOTHING, JERK. AMANDA K, MAILBOX 1214
MISS ELIZABETH: MISSED CONNECTION: To the guy with hazel eyes and chestnut brown hair in the muscle shirt who was busking with the tuba – I was the girl who asked you if you could play “Bohemian Rhapsody” and you got upset and told me “NO!” And started crying and started waving your tuba around yelling “NO REQUESTS!” You’re cute – call me! JENNIFER B, MAILBOX 0765
JASON: This town has too many scrapbookers in it. Knock it off, already. You never go back and read those things. It’s a big waste of time! Don’t they know what a joke they look like to everybody? Just knowing they’re out there makes my skin crawl. STOP SCRAPBOOKING. SHELLEY J, MAILBOX 7432
MISS ELIZABETH: FOR SALE: custom riding mower fitted with jet engine and wings. Created for a YouTube video shoot that went bad. That thing ruined my life and I don’t want to see it any more. 50 bucks and it’s yours. It’s not worth risking your life for YouTube views. – LAWRENCE P, MAILBOX 2503
JASON: To the guy eating onions on the Number 3 bus, nobody’s interested in your analysis of international oil markets. Stop trying to impress us by yapping into that fake cell phone. I swear to God, just try me. Try yapping some more next time you’re on the bus. I’ll turn your lights out for good. The rest of the bus will just look the other way. Trust me, we’ve discussed this. – LAURA H, MAILBOX 0926
MISS ELIZABETH: Hey-yo. Sunshine Jane here. Just a heads-up that the edible body paint I’ve been selling at the Sunshine Hippie Goods store turns out NOT to be edible at all. Please, please, just throw it away. Right now. Don’t get it in your mouth, on your skin, don’t smell it. I’m not selling it anymore. I’m sorry. Just get it out of your house. I can’t sleep at night. Just – just get rid of it. Thank you. JANE, MAILBOX 3060
JASON: FOUND: soiled front half of horse costume. Found it spear-fishing in the lake. Got it cleaned up a bit, but there’s probably no fixin’ that smell. My gracious, this thing is foul. Anyway, if this thing is yours, I found it. I’ve left it on my porch so come pick it up – the birds are starting to peck at it. GEORGE, MAILBOX 1421
MISS ELIZABETH: Mr. Cherries, The Algebra-Solving Horse, is Smileton’s favorite resident. Celebrate our beloved equine problem solver with a brand new T-shirt. Custom-designed by local death metal podcaster Miss Elizabeth, this T-shirt is sure to brighten the world around you. Come down to the forge to buy yours today! – TIFFANY, MAILBOX 6602
JASON: We gotta do something about all the hot air balloons above Smileton. The sky is choked with them. I can barely see the sun some days. Good people of Smileton, find another hobby. This balloon problem cost us getting an airport and it will continue to cost us until somebody decides to do something about this menace. TERRANCE Z, MAILBOX 1506
Zop Top – a hat-focused social media platform. The profile is for the hat, not you.
SONG NO. 3 – Banana Bus
That’s it! We hope you enjoyed the show. If you did, please consider joining the Smile Squad and support this podcast on Patreon. Join our just cause as we pursue the values of Funtime music, Funtime comedy, and general delightedment.
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So it’s bye bye from Jason.
And bye bye from me. See you next week.
And as always, remember friend, the sun is a jukebox.