October 31, 2019
Hello and welcome to the Smile Syndicate Music Hour – the home of Funtime music and comedy. By the we’re done, you won’t believe a single one of your senses.
I’m excited to hear today’s songs. Let’s go, Jason!
Get sounds: dripping water for cannery. Beeping from answering machine.
First time – c’mere. No, no. You’re getting a hug. Better get used to it. We’re huggers here.
Long time – Can you behave yourself this time? Got a little rowdy last week. I know you like the show, but a mindful enthusiasm is better than whatever it was you were displaying last week.
We’re in the haunted cannery. The site of my wrestling triumph with my life coach Jerry. Also, a center for supernatural activity in Smileton.
Plus, listen to how our voices sound. Spooooky.
But not spooky enough for us to put up with for the full show. Miss Elizabeth, let’s fold up our card table and move our recording equipment to one of the offices overlooking the huge open space where the canning action used to happen.
That’s better. Very dark. Lots of dust.
But that’s okay, we still have a perfect view of the Combatatorium. That’s right, it’s time for that mad bloodsport known as the Smile Syndicate Music Chart. Each week, songs tear and stomp and defile each other, all to move up one spot in the charts. It’s a sickening display, but it’s the only sure way to determine to which song we should be giving ears.
I see the two competitors. Wow, even for competitors, these two are fearsome. Large, clad in armour, moving with confidence. I think we’re about to see a display today, folks. The fist on heart salute, and we’re ready to go.
Slowly they circle. Feeling each other out. These songs are too savvy to go lashing out. They’re plotting their moves. They’re chess grandmasters, 1000 moves ahead of their opponent. The crowd is quieting, they’re leaning forward, chins on hands – this is truly going to be an intellectual skull smushing we’re about to see here.
But what’s this – one competitor is slowly rising off the ground. It’s as though he’s being lifted by an invisible force. He’s helpless! He’s being shaken like a rag doll. Oh, his competitor thinks this is hilarious, but lo and behold, up he goes, too. We’ve got two competitors, gods of the Bloodatorium, reduced to the role of plaything for some unseen supernatural force! They’re jerking randomly, up and down and oh – they’ve conked their heads together. They’re out cold! And down they go. The victor is the unseen force, haunting this cannery.
Coming in at number 3 with a bullet, it’s The Smile Syndicate and GET THEE TO A DISCO! Hit it, kids!
CHART – Get Thee To A Disco
JORG VOICE MAILS – 1
Hi, Miss Elizabeth. This is Jorg. Just calling to remind you that the Halloween episode of Jorg Presents: The Ultimate Death Metal Hour Featuring Jorg Flurnstadt is on Thursday. So, wear something spooky. Alright, gotta go. Ciao.
Hey, guys. It’s Jorg. This message is for Miss Elizabeth. Could you please bring your tamborine to the podcast recording on Friday? I got an idea – I want to try something new. Gotta go. Ciao.
Hey, Miss Elizabeth. Jorg again. I talked to Christoph about the tamborine thing and he pretty much vetoed it. So… leave the tamborine at home. Gotta go. Ciao.
Hey, Miss Elizabeth. Jorg here. Have you seen my juggling balls. I was just in the mood to juggle a little and I can’t find them. Let me know if you left them in your car or anything. Gotta go. Ciao.
DEATH METAL UPDATE (includes Jorg voice mail)
Smileton schools will soon be able to deliver a little bit more wisdom to their eager students. Count Vilifia, world famous guitarist for the Death Metal legends Slime Bride, and Smileton’s newest resident, will be kicking off a Death Metal for Kids program at local Smileton schools. Boys and girls in grades 4-6 will go through a death metal bootcamp in which they’ll learn the basics of death metal guitar playing, drumming, singing and songwriting. The Count himself is excited for the program to begin. “These little grave burglers are in for a treat. We’re going to form bands and learn Slime Bridge classics such as ‘Insane Maggots’ and ‘Love-Struck Corpse’. I hope the children come away from the program with all the tools they need to start their own bands.” I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the children are our future.
With Old Man Winter gently rapping at the door, you might think it’s too early to start planning for summer. But when next summer involves a Death Metal Festival hosted in Smileton, I think it’d be wise to mark your calendars now. Jorg Flurnstadt gave a press conference yesterday in which he announced ambitious plans for Smileton to host the largest Death Metal Festival ever held this side of Hades. Says the local death metal expert and visionary, “I’ve never been so tickled. I’ve never been so engaged on a task. I tell you what, Smileton: this is going to be the most ambitious, amazing thing you’ve ever seen. Top level talent, top level spectacle. Give me two weeks in July and I’ll change this town forever.” Mayor Patty Pepper, who also addressed the press, gave her enthusiastic endorsement. “Smileton is quietly building the reputation for being the best festival town in the world. Death Metal fans around the world are going to learn exactly where Smileton is. I couldn’t be more proud of our town. I may just have to create a citizen of the year award for Mr. Flurnstadt. How does that sound, Jorg?” Sounds like July, 2020 means we’d all better plan on being in Smileton.
Detroit’s best known Death Metal band, Lazy Embomber, had a series of mishaps at a recent concert in Hartford that had some fans chuckling and other fans enraged. The seven-piece ensemble was performing its concept album “Ludwig X” – an epic tale of a guts-crazed man-monster with x-ray vision – when guitarist Intestino fell off the stage. He landed hard on his guitar, breaking it and both his hips. Calls for help went unheard as the band pummelled on. During the next song, another guitarist, Dr. Evan Torso and the bass player Incinarabies, also tumbled off the stage. Drummer Ox Brains came out from behind his kit to check on his fallen comrades and also plunged into the abyss. Singer Lord Epiphio ordered the two remaining guitarists to play on. Mid way through next song, guitarist Barry Sanders fell off the stage while performing a cartwheel. Twin brother and sole remaining guitarist Gary Sanders, seeing the writing on the wall, dove off the stage willingly. As the six injured members writhed on the concrete below, Lord Epiphio stubbornly carried on. Some of the crowd thought this was amusing, but most were enraged and began loudly demanding their money back. Ephiphio launched an angry tirade directed at the audience. He, too, soon tumbled off, leaving the stage empty. The remaining crowd sarcastically began chanting for an encore while ambulance crews arrived to deal with the injuries. The remainder of Lazy Entomber’s tour is currently on hold.
With the popularity of Death Metal exploding like a cannibal witch’s cauldron with its lid stuck on, it’s becoming common for bands to make the switch to Death Metal in an effort to expand their audience. Oshkosh, Wisconsin’s The Nude Folk are the latest band to hop on the bandwagon. This nudist folk combo had generated a modest, but dedicated following with memorable appearances at folk festivals both here and in Europe. But after being told over and over again by promoters that being nudists and performing nude on stage aren’t enough to put asses in the seats, these carefree hippies decided to abandon folk and fully embrace Death Metal. While still performing nude, the band, now rebranded as Nude Lucifer, now appears in neon body paint while screaming new songs about cannibal goats and ravens spying on you and telling your business to Satan himself. “We should have done this years ago!” enthuses vocalist Sheila Sunshine. “More people are coming to our shows and they’re pretty wild! I’m really wrecking my voice singing like Cookie Monster for 3 hours a night, but I’m sure it’s worth it. The other people want me to change my name, but no way. I’ve put too many years into that brand to try to get people to care about Sheila Bloodstorm or whatever dumb name they want me to use.”
If nothing else, YouTube has been instrumental in encouraging teens to come up with unique and exciting ways to entertain us all. Five enterprising Smileton teens have come up with a sure-fire way to “go viral”. “We’re gonna listen to Death Metal for 1000 hours straight and stream the whole thing! This is gonna be great. A couple of us had jobs at fast food places, but we told our bosses to go f themselves. Once we go viral, the ad revenue means we’ll be able to retire pretty much just from this one thing. We’re gonna order pizza in and my buddy has a case of Mountain Dew, so we should be set up for the long haul. This is gonna be great. Check us out on YouTube – look for SmiletonStudz4DM – and subscribe. And sit back – 1000 hours is gonna be a long time!”
A GRAVE RULED BY DEVILS – Surfin’ Jamboree
CORPSE PARTY – O, Ye Surfin’ Waves, Carry Me Home
CANNIBAL CHANT – My Lady Doth Surf
No Blind Item this time. But we do have more from Smileton’s resident Death Metal expert, Jorg Flurnstadt. Take it away, Jorg!
JORG VOICE MAILS – 2
Hey, Miss Elizabeth. This is Jorg. I was just thinking about porcupines. How weird they are. Just little rodents covered in spines. Who came up with that? Gotta go. Ciao.
Hi, Miss Elizabeth. Sometimes you just gotta laugh. I… I don’t know about people sometimes, you know? They’re just kinda funny sometimes. I don’t know – just riffin’ I should save this for the next episode of the podcast. Gotta go. Ciao.
I can honestly say I’ve never had better than Christoph’s macaroni and cheese. None better. Gotta go. Ciao.
ROUND WHEEL OF MYSTERY
One druid has returned. He’s dug a firepit. He’s dropping things into the fire and chanting, waving his arms around. I go out and ask what’s up. He gets annoyed – now I have to start over. He’s trying to hex me. It’s not easy to hex someone. I ignored him – set up a badminton net, invited the Food Court Regulars over. We just played with him in the middle. A couple of times a shuttlecock landed in the fire – he had to start over.
JUKEBOX – Banana Bus
JORG VOICE MAILS – 3
Hi, Miss Elizabeth. I’ve been going to biker bars just looking for trouble lately. If anybody steps up to me, I just hold my ground and say “what’s up?” They back down every time. To a man, they all back down. Gotta go. Ciao. [Miss E – biker bar = bicycle car]
Hey, Miss Elizabeth. Jorg here. I just went to see the Joker move. Really disturbing. Really messed me up. Kind of in a weird space right now. Gotta go. Ciao.
LAST ONE – Pizza order. Side of curly fries. Gotta go. Ciao.
COMMUNITY MESSAGE BOARD
Everyone’s favorite reality show – “They’re a Celebrity, Get ‘Em!” – is coming to Smileton. The top rated show, in which contestants relentlessly hunt down and capture participating celebrities is the hottest thing to hit reality TV since Dance With Your Dad. Tune in to watch everyday folk banding together into teams to track and capture fleeing celebrities through any means necessary. Watch this Thursday, right after Smileton TV News At 6. Don’t miss it! MONICA, MAILBOX 5335
The Spanish Civil War Reenactment Society has really go something special planned for this Saturday. Make sure you come on down to Harvester Square this Saturday at 9 AM because you don’t want to miss the Society’s reenactment of… the Battle of Helms Deep, that decisive defensive victory that helped turned the tide of the war against Sauron and the powers of darkness. All are welcome, but if you’re going to come dressed as an Orc, I would please ask that you try harder than some of the people did last time we did a Tolkien-inspired battle reenactment. We had people showing up wearing only a Frankenstein mask and a diaper. That’s not what Orcs look like. Anyway, lots of fun to be had this Saturday. FOR ROHAN! STAN, MAILBOX 5497
Jason: I hope that Darth Vader guy is there. If he could be at the Siege of Madrid, I have no problem with him being in Rohan.
The Smileton Town Hall will be hosting a kickoff meeting for the Smileton Rubber Band Ball Reconstruction Project this Wednesday at 7:30 PM. If you’re interested in helping restoring the Rubber Band Ball to its full glory, make sure you attend so you can learn how best you can pitch in. This is a huge task we have in front of us. The millions of rubber bands scattered across the town when the ball imploded recently have been causing all kinds of trouble. Our team of engineers have learned from our mistakes. We’re gonna pick up all thse rubber bands and build this Ball of Babel even bigger and mightier than ever. Glory be unto the Ball. HANK, MAILBOX 6038.
The Shanidar Truth Society is holding is inaugural meeting this Thursday night at 7:30 at the Smileton Library. Come join us as we investigate and promote the truth concerning Shanidar – the Neanderthal Among Us. We need to change people’s narrow-minded views and educate the town about our living friend from distant times. We must reach out to our new friend and our new neighbour. Btw, if anyone has a Neanderthal costume, or even an ape costume (something hairy), it would be great if you could wear it. Let’s show Shanidar we’re all family. – BETTY, MAILBOX 5201
To my so-called friends at work. Thanks. I thought the plan was we’d all stand up and start dancing and singing Gangnam Style during our company’s quarterly meeting. I didn’t exactly come off as a team player after I stood up and did it by myself. I’ve gotten a written reprimand and it’s my third this month, so thanks for nothing, “friends”. If you see me in the kitchen nook, I don’t know you and you don’t know me. SHEILA, MAILBOX 5701.
Where did all these overalls come from? Everyone in town seems to be wearing them. Denim, cotton, leather, crushed velvet – they’re everywhere. I consider myself a fashion template and a clothes workhorse, so this has really taken me by surprise. Have I missed the boat or am I imagining things? QUINNOTHY, MAILBOX 3506.
Jason: There are no overalls – he’s trying to get the earliest mention in. I saw that an overalls store opened up downtown [QUINNOTHY’S OVERALLS].
Be it forthwith announced unto the town of Smileton: The Smileton Primal Scream Society has officially disbanded. I regret this announcement, but the fact is we had too many people injuring themselves while purging their subconsciouses of negativity. The rush of screaming simply isn’t worth the shredded vocal cords, collapsed larynxes and the dry mouth. But it is not all doom and gloom – the club has decided to rebrand as The Smileton Community Pickleball Club. Come on down to the newly-constructed Smileton Pickleball Courts and play this crazy ping-pong style of tennis! Work out your issues with your paddle. It’s sunny and quieter days ahead, my friend. — JOAN, MAILBOX 2508.
Ah ha ha ha ha HAAAAA! Freedom! The Hot Air Balloon mafia has failed in their attempts to snuff out the flame of freedom. I have ESCAPED. Shake, ye balloons. Weep at the wrath you hath wrought. The skies shall be cleared! Mark my words! Clean skies, clean souls! TERRANCE Z, MAILBOX 1506
PLUGS – quick. Kreechie Peachy again.
MARQUEE SONG SLOT – Warenerd
That’s it! We hope you enjoyed the show. If you enjoyed the show, please consider joining the Smile Squad and support this podcast on Patreon. Join the podcast-supporting elite and keep us on the Joyful Treadmill producing Funtime content week in, week out.
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So it’s bye bye from Jason.
And bye bye from me. See you next week.
And as always, remember friend, the sun is a jukebox.