My friend – after the fight we had over the phone last night, I wasn’t sure you were going to be here. But here you are. You always come through in the end.
First time – unlike other podcasts, you’re gonna get a full episode right off the bat. None of this – only five minutes for you, rookie – stuff. You’re recognized as a full-fledged Smile Syndicate Music Hour listener right off the bat, with all the perks and privileges that entails.
Long time – who would have thought we would make it this far. People thought we were polar opposites in the beginning – you like the aparment nice and tidy and I don’t even notice how messy I am because I’m always eating takeout pizza and sitting there hunched over my typewriter because I have a deadline at midnight and I haven’t even started writing my sports column for tomorrow’s paper yet. But here we are, two peas in a pod.
Let’s turn to that most heinous, blood-crazed, viscera-entangled music chart in the whole wide music business – The Smile Syndicate Music Chart. Songs compete with every limb at their disposal to pummel, crunch and smush their opponents, all for the chance of moving one spot up on the chart. When the match begins in the combatitorium, the crowd goes wild and we silently mouth the word “why” to the sky. And the howling void gives us no answer.
I see two competitors are in the center of the ring. They’re both blindfolded this time. I wonder at whose whim this little wrinkle was added. They’re being spun around by two members of the Combatitorium support crew. And off they go. They’re reaching trying to get their bearings, trying to find their opponents and knock their head off like a pumpkin on a picnic table.
They crowd is trying to help – they’re yelling HOT, COLD! I’m not sure if our competitors understand – no COLD, you idiot, Turn around. COLD COLD COLD……..HOT. There you go.
They’re getting closer, one has tripped . HOT HOT HOT he’s right at your feet. Oh no, the competitor just accidentally stumbled into his foe who was trying to get up. Looks like they’re out cold! Take off your blindfold, you’ve won! Pretty unorthodox match this week, but that’s what you get in a Combatitorium blood frenzy – just when you think you have the answers, the Smile Syndicate Music Chart changes the questions.
Coming in this week at number 3 with a bullet, this is the Smile Syndicate with DIRT BIKE! Hit it, kids!
THE SMILE SYNDICATE CHART – Dirt Bike
Plug Hallofun Halloween Specbloodular two weeks from now.
You’ve got questions, we’ve got answers. On any topic under the sun. We’re not just throwing together some half-arsed FAQ, chucking it at you and telling you “get on with it.” We’re here to help. We’re a resource, a tool, a fount – use us. Send in any question you have to firstname.lastname@example.org
It’ll get answered and your life will change.
Hey guys. Since it’s Thanksgiving in Canada pretty soon, what are you thankful for? – Carrie-Ann via the email
I don’t like listing things like this. I say thank you all the time. I’ve got manners. I don’t keep my good behaviour all bottled up to be uncorked once a year.
If I have to list stuff: french fries, socks, olives, the Smileton Mall food court.
I don’t like when the listeners write in to complain about my general behaviour
Why do you play so much Smile Syndicate? I get that you like them and you’re a big fan and everything but could you play something else? Wouldn’t kill ya. I like Robbie Williams, Smashmouth and Zeppelin. How about them? – Julia from Toronto
Anyway, we tried that pirate radio thing, anyway. Had to get on a boat – it was a nightmare. Laptop kept getting wet, I don’t know how to drive a boat, hit a bunch of canoes and catamarans.
Lost the boat when a rival station challenged us to a game of chicken. We plowed straight into each other and the boats are now at the bottom of Lake Smileton
What’s the greatest animated movie of all time? – GET NAME
Easy. I’ve never seen it, but the answer has to be Heavy Metal. Women wearing bikinis made out of some kind of alloy, riding around on tigers with swords. I’ve thought about this movie a lot since it came out. I’ve developed a pretty good picture in my brain. The version of the Smile Syndicate in the 80s was all set up to have a song on the soundtrack, but they got bumped when Warner Brothers managed to get a Devo song on there.
Is taxation theft? – GET NAME
Let me tell you a story, friend.
Our town has a mayor… inept, corrupt, her schemes are funded by tax money. Her family used to be big shots here in Smileton and she’s still riding that wave. She’s becoming more and more brazen with her corruption. Miss Elizabeth in the last newscast told you about council approving a plan to build a huge bridge in the middle of a canola field…. No reason for it. Pepper Construction Co.
Told you about the guitar war -> feud with Mayor. So the latest thing is, I get a letter in the mail and it’s telling me I have a bunch of unpaid parking tickets. Which isn’t true. I start heading down to city hall to straighten it out.
I’m walking because I’m scared to drive (I’ll be ticketed), the bus has been a hellzone times infinity lately, so I’m hoofing it.
I’m walking down the street, and it looked like it was gonna rain so I brought an umbrella. Downpour, super heavy, wrecks my umbrella. So I’m standing under this awning. And these punk kids are there, also taking shelter.
Boom box – hey pretty lady hubba hubba hubba. Horrible.
Went inside the store. It was the umbrella store. The owner had a monocle and a bad attitude. He was giving me the stink eye the whole time. I wander around, waiting for the storm to end, checking umbrellas. The downpour is slowing down, so I start to leave the store.
“Are you gonna pay for that?” “It’s my umbrella.” He yells into a walkie talkie “code red, Barry!”
Some lumbering guy comes out of the back room. Like a bouncer. “You’re gonna have to pay for that.”
Back and forth. Eventually, “keep it. It’s ripped anyway.”
I left, and headed home. Nice walk, cleared my mind. Forgot all about the umbrella store troubles.
Miss E: “You didn’t answer the question – is taxation theft?” Yeah, probably.
Hey. Heard you talking about me and my morning show. How about you come on my show and we have a debate? I run comedy circles around you, you podcasting dweeb. — Signed, Rick “The Stick” Jeffries.
What do you want to debate about?
I’d come on your show, but between your zany honking horns and crazy snare drum hits, I wouldn’t get a word in edgewise
If you want a real contest with me, ya hack, step right up. Got a unicycle in your little zany comedy shed there? Hop on and let’s do this. I’ll duel you any day of the week.
Comedy circles. Have you ever heard his show. He’s still going “DON’T GO THERE!” Our inept, corrupt mayor Patty Pepper was on there and he did nothing but say “TALK TO THE HAND” every time she tried to say something. She was laughing like it was the funniest thing ever. “Stop it, Rick, I’m going to burst!”
He gives entertainment a bad name. I’ll accept any challenge you have: duel, food eating, foot race, an Amazing Race kind of thing.
THE ROUND WHEEL OF MYSTERY
Angel came by for re-con. Checking out how many yoga dogs he might send over. He started talking to them – now he’s wearing a robe!
THE SMILE SYNDICATE JUKEBOX – Breaking The Law
QUICK PLUGS: Twitter, Facebook, Skeeple (post your picture, adds clown makeup, no one wants to be friends over there. You sign up and everybody leaves you alone.) . Spotify, Apple Music, SmileSyndicate.com
I’m Going Back To High School
Singers tell the story about where their song came from. Gonna do that here. You’ll hear the where/what/how/who/why and becauses of how this song came to be.
Had to travel – fly. Smile Syndicate business.
Loads of pretzels. Asked for a bunch of packets. “Okay, here you go.” “A couple more.” “a few more” “here I’ll just help myself” – so my tray his heaping with these little pretzel packets.
Guy across the way noticed – “can I have 6 more than what you gave him?” He looks at me. “I’ll have six more, please.” Attendant not amused – “okay, boys. After pretzel time, it’s nap time, okay?” Like we’re preschoolers.
The guy starts tearing into his – I start tearing into mine. We’re cramming them down.
An older lady was watching. “You should slow down, boys. You’re gonna choke.” I waved her off, the other guy said something profane, I’m sure.
People are noticing. Some guy tries to be helpful – you should have some water with those, guys. I had a Coke and a water, so I poured them on the floor, looking right at the other guy.
Slowly, our mouths start drying out and it’s getting harder to cram them in. We both start struggling, it feels like eating dirt at this point.
He starts coughing – dust coming out of his mouth. I start coughing. My mouth is like a mansion where only a spinster lives there and she hasn’t cleaned in sixty years and she never goes downstairs and she just stares out the window and her fiancee didn’t come back from the Great War which is why she does that.
We just keep coughing – people start grumbling – “shut up” – it’s your own fault, guys. I asked a flight attendant for water and they just said “no”. They saw me spilling my drinks, and the people around me’s drinks all over the floor.
Not sure who won – thinking we’ll exchange numbers once we’re off the flight and set up a rematch. But anyway – lots of flight left, so I put the earbuds in and start listening to stuff.
I have this effect on women.
Bunch of pregnant women on board. Like 8 of them.
I had my earbuds in. Singing along to classic songs “baby baby baby”.
Women start going into labour
I hear some commotion so I take my earbuds out.
Women huffing and puffing and the about-to-be dads are no help at all.
People are staring at each other.
Some nut yells “hey, this guy knows about babies.”
“Help her out, doc. C’mon!”
“I’m not a doctor” – “Oh, whatever, you can daydream about waxing your Rolls Royce late, docr. You gotta help these people.”
Okay, so I’ll help.
Told the flight attendant to boil water, get blankets, make sure the rest of the passengers have lots of cookies and pretzels because they’re about to see a show.
Ran around “Push! Don’t push! You’re close! You’re done!”
I’m going from woman to woman, not sure of what I’m doing, but I’m full of advice. “I know you feel you have a lot on your plate right now, but I want you to be mindful. Let’s close our eyes and focus on our gentle breaths. If we get distracted, let’s acknowledge the distraction and gently pull our focus back on our breathing.”
The old cliché about a woman in labour swearing at you is true. I’m helping a lot here and I’m getting a bunch of f-bombs, s-bombs and q-bombs dropped on me.
I stayed the course, though and the final score board speaks for itself.
4 boys, 4 girls. I got a round of applause for my efforts. Not one of them was named Jason.
2 girls were named Miss Elizabeth
So after all that, I did my business, flew home and realized I had to get a new song out for the podcast. I pulled out some old lyrics I had, strummed a little on the old guitar, next thing I know, the song’s done.
MARQUEE SONG SLOT – I’m Going Back To High School (LIVE)
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So it’s bye bye from Jason.
And bye bye from me. See you next week.
And as always, remember friend, the sun is a jukebox.