Hello and welcome to the Smile Syndicate Music Hour – the home of Funtime music. Check us out on Patreon.com/thesmilesyndicate and join the Smile Squad!
I’m excited to hear today’s songs. Let’s go, Jason!
Thanks, Miss Elizabeth.
Your listening to us right now means a lot to us.
If you’re a new listener, welcome. Unlike some other podcasts, we actively welcome new listeners. We aren’t some snobby club that looks down on outsiders. This is a huge circus tent with room for everybody. And we don’t make animals perform in this circus – it’s just me and Miss Elizabeth keeping the plates spinning, hurling pies at each other, and performing death-defying feats high above the centre ring, balanced on cable no wider than a baby’s arm.
If you’re a veteran listener, I think it’s time we took this to a new level. We’ve been together for a while. We’ve seen each other at our best and our worst. I don’t think we have any secrets anymore. We both know the way forward. It’s time for you to introduce this podcast to your parents and just get everything out in the open.
Let’s check in with the Smile Syndicate Chart. This is the most competitive, cutthroat, violent chart in the business. The songs are soulless combatants whose only purpose is to destroy the competition, claim the crown, and then fall victim to a younger, hungrier competitor next week. “Why? What is this for?” you may scream at an empty sky. No answers come, but at least you can dance to some of the songs. This week, coming in at number 3 with a bullet is THE SMILE SYNDICATE with a recent live performance of THE STREAKENING! Hit it, kids!
THE SMILE SYNDICATE CHART – The Streakening (LIVE)
We’ve got quite an extravaganza planned for you today. Your hat’s gonna fly straight off your head when you hear what’s on the way.
We’ve got more music headed coming up. We’ll spin the cursed, demonic Round Wheel Of Mystery and hope it commands us to play a Smile Syndicate song. I think it’s been plotting something. It’s been quiet this week, but I’m pretty sure I heard some really quiet, evil laughing coming from it. Probably nothing. And in the Marquee Song Slot, we’re proud to play you the lead off track from the Smile Syndicate’s latest album. That’s right – Granny’s Gone a-Skinny Dippin’ will be making us dance and prance as its infectious rock groove gets us on the move.
We’ve also got some great Funtime Entertainment content. Later in the show, we’ll be checking in with the Smileton Community Message Board. The good people of our fair town have been flooding the message board with all kinds of stuff and we’re just barely able to keep up with it. So we’ll let you know what people are posting there.
And now, we’re going to do a fan-favorite feature – THE CULTURE VULTURE.
THE CULTURE VULTURE
First, some feedback. We got an email about our last Culture Vulture. In the previous installment, we talked about ballet and we gave you lots of tips and tricks about how to pass yourself as a ballet expert at your next dinner party or weird masked ball.
Well, we got an email from an actual ballet dancer who had some advice for us.
“Hello, Smile Syndicate Podcast,
My name is Dimitri and I am a professional ballet dancer. I’m from Russia but have danced on every continent. I enjoyed your ballet discussion very much. I chuckled a lot at it, believe me. But I feel I must write in and warn you about some of your reckless advice. One of your tips was to actually start dancing ballet to convince others that you are in fact a ballet dancer. If you stop a moment to consider it, the advice to “dance ballet to prove you can dance ballet” is on the one hand facile and on the other, dangerous. It takes years of intense training to enable your body to properly dance ballet. I can tell you I have had many friends who tried to dance ballet and ended up in a cardboard box stored in a shelf somewhere. If you do not prepare yourself physically, mentally and spiritually, and attempt to dance the great dance, you are basically a drunkard walking unknowlingly into a hungry volcano. Here’s a safer, insider trick you can use to pretend to be a ballet dancer – finish each of your sentences with a thumbs-up. “I dance ballet” – thumbs up. “I’m a ballet expert, my friend!” – thumbs up. I believe this to be more fun and safer.
Yours in dance,
Today we’re going to get a little bit practical with The Culture Vulture. It’s a music topic, but it’s actually more about building a music library.
We’re going to talk about a great source of stuff for your vinyl collection – the record show. Now, before you go stampeding off like a randy bull, calm yourself and listen to a few tips. Etiquette is important at record shows and you’ll get the best results if you follow the rules and behave yourself.
You want to come off as a connoisseur at these things, so showing up in flip flops, with an empty shopping bag yelling “gimme!” Isn’t gonna cut it.
Tip 1 – Wash your hands before you go. You’ll look like a total amateur showing up and expecting to be able to paw through valuable vinyl with jam and chicken grease all over your mitts. Clean up, then go pawing everything. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve found some gem and upon picking it up, realized this thing is covered in jam and chicken grease and pasta sauce and I have to tell the guy – “sorry man, I can’t buy your records. It’s like a diner is dumping its garbage in your bins.” You’ll look like a true record show vet if you show your hands to the vendor – front and back – before you start browsing.
Tip 2 – Physical preparation is key. It can be a long day prowling through a record show and you should make it look effortless. You’ll need stamina. And if you actually are looking for something, rather than just standing around looking like a record show bigshot, you’ll eventually find yourself needing to push, shove and jostle to get what you want. There are no friends at a record show. Some people focus on the upper body, but I go low. You don’t need to incapacitate your foe to get the prize – sometimes you can just knock them off their stride a little, trip them up – the feet can be a weakness. Exploit it and get your hands on that special album that you already own 8 copies of already.
Tip 3 – Recognize that the record show is a different world. The rules are different in here. Money doesn’t quite mean the same thing. This is the attitude you should have: “This guy is charging $500 for this Grand Funk Railroad picture disc? Well, I’m not really a fan of Grand Funk… How many did they make? Only 100? SOLD!” Talking like this really communicates to people that you are serious about collecting. Logic works differently in a record show.
Tip 4 – Project the right image. Here are some phrases you should be using constantly:
“I have this already”
“The American pressing of this is terrible – the German/Japanese/Italian pressing is way better”
“Stereo is for people with no attention spans”
They can also be fun. Put these on a t-shirt and see how popular you are:
Vinyl collectors do it at 33 1/3 RPM
Vinyl collectors do it with headphones on
Vinyl collectors do it on turntables
Tip 5 – When you’re pawing through the racks, you can really set yourself apart by making it look like you really know what you’re looking for.
Magnifying glass – no brainer. Really examine those album covers.
Take a record out of its sleeve and hold it up to your ear. Nod or shake your head decisively.
Hold the vinyl up to your nose and breathe in deeply. Nod knowlingly at someone nearby and say “smells terrible, plays terrible.”
Tip 6 – You need plastic sleeves for everything. You already know to sleeve your disc. But your album cover should also have a sleeve. And that sleeve should be sleeved. And wear sleeves on your hands while you’re at the record show. No one wants your gunk and oil all over their stuff. Sleeve your shoes. If it moves, sleeve it.
So there you are – 6 tips and now you’re ready to conduct yourself properly.
Miss Elizabeth, spin that thing.
“You fools do not understand the power you are trifiling with.”
THE SMILE SYNDICATE JUKEBOX – Oh, Bermuda!
PAID ADVERTISEMENT – Spittoons
Today’s episode of the Smile Syndicate Music Hour is brought to you by Park Place Spittoons. A gentleman needs a proper place to deposit his spitterings. Whether you’re chawing on tobacco, hemp or too much bubble gum, polite society dictates you gracefully spit the contents of your mouth into a container that displays your elegance, wit and dignity.
Come down to Park Place Spittoons and see our full range made from brass, platinum and our patented hybrid alloy FUTURIUM. Any shape you can imagine – if we don’t have it, we’ll make it. Imagine spitting into the space shuttle, a cowboy boot, or the mighty monster truck BIGFOOT!
We’re celebrating our 10th anniversary this year. Come on down and try out the latest models. You won’t believe the selection. You won’t be able to resist spitting into our merchandise, but we kindly suggest you buy first.
With marijuana now being legal, it’s never been a better time to start chewing on stuff and spitting it out. And ladies, we haven’t forgotten you. Discreetly spit into a spittoon from our Elegance line – your guests won’t even recognize that what you’re spitting into is a spittoon.
So come on down to Park Place Spittoons.
SMILETON COMMUNITY MESSAGE BOARD
Smileton is a vibrant community full of bustle and hustle and muscle. We started offering a community message board as a way for the people of this fine town to communicate with each other, sell each other things, state their views, to make a difference.
So we’ve got a fresh batch to go through right here. And, in a first for community message boards anywhere, we invite non-Smileton fans to also participate. If you have something you’d like posted to the community message board, drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org
MISS ELIZABETH (1):
Come on down for the semi-annual Smileton Community Cleanup. This time we’re going to focus on rubber bands! They’re everywhere and no one knows why. Millions of them. They’re gumming up car motors, tangling up kids and getting into food. It’s almost like we’ve been cursed. So meet this Saturday, 10AM, at Harvester Square and help us take back our town from the rubber menace! Contact JUDY at MAILBOX 0165 if you have any questions!
This week’s meeting of the Smileton Fight Club has been cancelled as last week’s put the club in the hospital. The doctor says we’ll all be getting out in another few days or so. We will live to fight another day, probably early next week. So if you were going to come down this week and check us out, we won’t be there. Fight amongst yourselves until we get back. JAKE, MAILBOX 5756.
MISS ELIZABETH (2):
Zebra stripes! Everybody’s wearing them! Where did these crazy clothes come from? From my shop, that’s where! Zeke’s Zebra Duds – your one stop-shop for zebra striped clothes and accessories. New this week: zebra striped teapots, zebra striped purses, zebra striped tophats. That’s right, gents – were a haberdashery, too. We’re downtown, across from Maude’s Massage. ZEKE’S ZEBRA DUDS, MAILBOX 4503.
FOR SALE: Dead animal heads. Downsizing retired couple no longer has room for these treasures. It’s a great collection – you name the animal, we’ve got its head. Snakes, horses, anteater, kangaroo – we’ve got at least one of each! $10 per pound, firm. All you need to do is clean them out, dry them up, mount ’em on a wood plaque, and they’ll be ready to hang on the wall! ALBERT AND GLADYS, MAILBOX 0004.
MISS ELIZABETH (3):
The first monthly Death Metal Tea will be held at the Smileton Spaghetti Buffet and Bingo Hall this Sunday at 1:00. All are welcome to join us as we sample the finest teas from around the world, enjoy some baked delicacies and death metal music that will fill your eardrums with the crushing sounds of ancient cannibal curses coming to life and evil witches mocking the world as their unholy brood runs riot. Bring a friend and your appetite! Seniors will enjoy a 30% discount, as will anyone who comes out dressed as their favorite death metal performer. It will be a delightful afternoon of hot tea, sweet treats, and death metal classics. Contact JORG at MAILBOX 6650 for more information.
I am disappointed that my concerns about all the hot air balloons clogging up the sky above Smileton have gone un-dealt with. These colorful monstrosities are ruining the skies for some of us and I feel I have to take matters into my own hands. TERRANCE Z, MAILBOX 1506
MISS ELIZABETH (4):
Flash mobs! They’re still a thing! Let’s do one! I’m thinking maybe getting 1000 people do do the Locomotion or maybe 500 of us cramming into one of the 47 local craft breweries to do the Pogo. I don’t know – could be fun. Anyway, message me if you’re interested! It would be so cool to be part of a flash mob doing something crazy and inconveniencing others. MOLLY J, MAILBOX 4040.
Found. One rowboat containing four mannequins dressed up as the Beatles in their Sgt Pepper outfits. Not sure what you’re up to there, fella, but this probably cost you a decent amount of money. Anyways, I loaded it up into my truck and it’s in my front yard right now. Come on down and pick it up ASAP – people are coming into my yard and getting their picture taken sitting in the boat. GEORGE, MAILBOX 1421
MISS ELIZABETH (5):
To whoever spray painted the word TURD on our family music bus, give your head a shake. The canvas for your perverted art is actually a bus that has been safely taking the Proud Peacock Family Band from gig to gig for more than 20 years. That colorful bus is part of our image. We’re getting it cleaned off right now so you’ll have to try harder if you’re trying to stop our music. As we sing in our sing “Little White Feather”, “When the clouds appear over your bus / Try to keep on smiling and ignore all the fuss”. Something to think about! PROUD PEACOCK FAMILY BAND, MAILBOX 5440.
Don’t go to Rock Stallion Guitars. I stepped on a nail there and my foot swole up like an f’in pufferfish. Those guitars suck and they don’t stay in tune plus they’re way too quiet which is stupid if you’re gonna rock. Don’t go there. There are better guitar stores in town. SIGNED, THE GUITAR MAN, MAILBOX 2345
MISS ELIZABETH (6):
MISSED CONNECTION – to the blond girl eating that lemon while skateboarding and free-style rapping through Harvester Square last Sunday afternoon. I was the guy doing squat thrusts wearing a body stocking and a goose head. I really felt a connection between us. You really were charming when you yelled “get some pants on, weirdo” at me. Allow me to meet you at a café of your choosing. Arrivederci, mon amour. ANDREW, MAILBOX 9545.
To the magician who kept sneezing all over everybody at the farmers market last weekend. You owe me $8.50. I was really looking forward to those Saskatoon berries. Plus, you made my cousin disappear and she said the inside of that box really stunk. Try cleaning it. Anyways, over and out. SHELLEY J, MAILBOX 7432
Crackadap – Fairly poor messaging site. Only one big room. 8 million people post in it. It’s a mess. But the good thing is every time you post, everyone else hears a cracking whip. Your statements really make an impact.
MARQUEE SONG SLOT – Granny’s Gone A-Skinny Dippin’
That’s it! We hope you enjoyed the show. If you did, please consider joining the Smile Squad and support this podcast on Patreon. Join our just cause as we pursue the values of Funtime music, Funtime comedy, and general delightedment.
Go to Patreon.com/thesmilesyndicate and select the level of membership that feels most comfortable to you. Patrons of The Smile Syndicate get early access, exclusive extra stuff, and membership in the most awesome club on the Internet.
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So it’s bye bye from Jason.
And bye bye from me. See you next week.
And as always, remember friend, the sun is a jukebox.