Some divine hand of fate has brought us together today. When a gentle supernatural force guides your hand, you’d best take heed. It’s probably for your own good. And we’re gonna work hard to make you happy you’ve joined us today.
First Time
You are welcome here, my friend. Forget those other podcasts that turned you away. We appreciate who you are, who you’ve been, who you aspire to be. You’re gonna find this show helps you on your journey. We’re not some cinderblock in your knapsack slowing you down. We’re little wings you attach to your ankles and after today’s show, your winged steps will be lighter, swifter, and bolder.
Long Time
My friend, bring it in. We’re at the hugging stage. Good to see you again. What do you think of all the new people around? It’s great, but I do remember the earlier days of the podcast where we’d all go out for pizza after the show was done. Talk some smack, have a few pops, raise a little ruckus in that pizza shop on the corner. But we’ve got too many friends now for us to go out like that anymore, and the cost of pizza after the show for this ever growing audience is crushing us.
And if you’re a returning listener who’s heard the show before but have been away for a while, explain yourself. Or at least show your tardy slip. Did you slip away to the old fishing hole or down to the nickel malt shop? These things may sound like impish fun, but they’re the first steps on a path you don’t want to be on. So show up here every week, ready to listen and ready to enjoy the hell out of yourself.
We’ve got some special segments for you. We haven’t done this for a long time – MISS ELIZABETH PICKS. This is episode number 64 and we have tons of gold buried in previous episodes. We like to go back in time and pull out a couple of fun segments and give newer listeners a chance to catch up and long time listeners a chance to visit with an old friend.
And the music will flow like wine bursting through a compromised hydroelectric dam. The Round Wheel of Mystery will spin and in our dizzy confusion we will play a Smile Syndicate song on the old jukebox. I hope. And at the end of the show, in the Marquee Song Slot, crackerjack Smile Syndicate classic – Boogie Got A Groove Loose.
But before we get to all that, it’s time to turn our keen attention to that most insanely competitive, blood drunk, face mashed, fists pummeling your midriff until you can’t take it anymore music chart. The Smile Syndicate Music Chart.
THE SMILE SYNDICATE MUSIC CHART
Songs compete with each other to win the hearts and minds of listeners not with catchy tunes and hooks and lyrics, but with fist, and dagger and cudgel. This last battlefield on which songs compete to determine who sits where on this music chart of madness is stained with blood, mud and brains. The only goal: to see one crazed competitor, soaked in blood at the center of the ring of death, baying at the sky at the end of a match, surrounded by a field of severed limbs, cracked skulls, and ruined dreams. Those with weak stomachs should leave and do some growing up because this is the real world and we’d better get used to it.
The two competitors are approaching the center of the ring. I’m hoping for a better display than what we got last week. That was truly pathetic. These two look like they’re ready to really bring it. One competitor is wearing this blue armor and is looking pretty cool. The other one is wearing baggy pants and a leather vest. They’re standing face to face – oh! Leather Vest has just kicked dirt on that shiny blue armor. Oh, the blue guy doesn’t like that. He takes a swing at his rude foe and oh! The race is on! Leather Vest is high-tailing it out of there. Blue Armor is in pursuit! This is exciting! Go get him, Blue! Oh, Leather Vest is extending a middle finger back to Blue Armor. He has no honor. He should stop running and meet his fate! Now he’s laughing?! Oh, get him Blue Armor. I hate these songs who thing they’re so great they can disrespect the traditions of the Combatitorium. He’s gaining on him! Yes! Oh, this is exciting! A thrilling chase! Yay! Yay! He’s got Leather Vest by the collar. Oh, and now the skull smushing starts. Blue Armor has defeated his foe. Leather Vest isn’t so big any more.
Coming in at number three with a bullet, this is the Smile Syndicate with “We’re Better Together”. Hit it, kids!
CHART – We’re Better Together
MISS ELIZABETH PICKS – April 1, 2019 – first episode of April Insanity. Debut of The Culture Vulture.
This has become a regular segment – this one covers movies. We’ve been doing ballet and sculpture – we should do another movies one soon.
The Druids are threatening me. They tell me if I don’t grant them an audience with the wheel, they’re going to put a hex on me. I defy them.
THE ROUND WHEEL OF MYSTERY
THE SMILE SYNDICATE JUKEBOX – The Universe is Nude
QUICK LANCE STORY
Lance not happy about Rock Stallion Guitars opening.
Mitch Winchell is doing a great job running it. It’s always packed, apparently.
Mitch has all kinds of gimmicks, including offering free music lessons for school kids
Lance wants me to help him do that, but we gotta make it rock. None of this technique stuff – we gotta sit these kids down in front of a Marshall amp and blow their eardrums apart. They’ll love rock forever after that.
I don’t want to help. Lance is insistent. Starts thinking of other ideas. I say, “you should host an event, like a special show or something.”
“Yeah, yeah. Something to blow people’s minds. How do you think people would react if Led Zepplin were to reform and do a show inside my f’in store. Oh, man. We gotta do this. You dress up as Jimmy Page. I’ll be the bass player. I got a buddy who kinda looks like Robert Plant. We’re so doing this.”
MISS ELIZABETH PICKS (December 10, 2018 – Banana Bus episode) – Jerry the Life Coach update. Early days – his first meeting with representatives of the Third Rhombus. He called Jason from his cell while in the trunk of a car. This story was enough to convince me Jerry had an amazingly bad idea with this Money Velocity Advantage stuff. But let’s go back and have a listen. It’s a good story that we can all learn a lesson from.
PLUGS
Streaming services
Twitter
Facebook
Bewildo – it’s a calendar app, but it keeps you on your toes and questioning everything because it keeps messing around with your entries. Puts new ones in. Arranges meetings between you and random people. It’s like a crazy AI using humans in some bizarre psychology experiment. I didn’t sign up for this one – it signed me up by itself.
Thesmilesyndicate.com
Patreon
MARQUEE SONG SLOT – Boogie Got A Groove Loose
BYE BYE
That’s it! We hope you enjoyed the show. If you enjoyed the show, please consider joining the Smile Squad and support this podcast on Patreon – that’s patreon.com/thesmilesyndicate. Join our just cause as we pursue the values of Funtime music, Funtime comedy, and general delightedment. Get early access, exclusive extra stuff, and membership in the most awesome club on the Internet.
Please tell a friend about this podcast and, if you could, give us a review on iTunes. Spread the word, make a difference.
So it’s bye bye from Jason.
And bye bye from me. See you next week.
And as always, remember friend, the sun is a jukebox.
